Sam: Hey, everybody. Guess who I brought back with me?
Woody: Sam, how'd you do it? The doorman at the Ritz Carlton.
Cliff: Good Lord, that's Admiral William J. Crowe, Jr. Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, himself.
Woody: Now wait a minute. The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff is a doorman at the Ritz Carlton? No wonder they charge you so much over there.
Sam: Woody, this really is the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. He was at the same dinner I was.
Admiral William J. Crowe Jr.: The Navy can't afford to pay the salary of a doorman, Woody. You know that.

Frasier: Oh, well, well, well. What do we have here?
Norm: The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Frasier: Mm-hmm. Hello there, sir. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
Admiral William J. Crowe Jr.: Hello, Doctor.
Frasier: This is my number. I have treated Napoleon, Teddy Roosevelt, and I know I could help you.
Admiral William J. Crowe Jr.: Doctor, I really am the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Frasier: Aye, aye, Admiral.
Admiral William J. Crowe Jr.: But I'll keep your card. I know a lot of people in the Pentagon that could use your services.

Norm: Well, now that we're through being interrupted, let's get down to real serious matters. Carla, you can't make blue sparks come out of your mouth with a Lifesaver.
Carla: Well, not just any Lifesaver. A magic Wint-o-green Lifesaver.
Frasier: Oh, now, Carla, don't prey on their gullibility. There's nothing magical about it. It's just a simple chemical reaction. When you crunch down on a Lifesaver, electrons strike nitrogen molecules, which causes the latter to emit an invisible ultraviolet radiation which, when absorbed by the methyl salicilate in the Wintergreen flavoring, produces a flash of blue light.
Woody: Makes sense. [to the guys] I find that when you say that to Dr. Crane, he stops talking.

Rebecca: Sam, wait. I want to ask you something. And I want an answer to this. Why do you care? Why do you want me? I- l have never given you any reason. I've never come on to you. Why do you keep hitting on me?
Sam: Uh... I don't know. I- I guess that I when I meet women, I put them into one of three categories. Oh, who am I kidding? I put them into one category.

Norm: Big date, Rebecca, huh? Who's the lucky fella?
Rebecca: Somebody I met at a party. A rich doctor, cardiologist. Leader in his field. You guys couldn't wipe his nose.
Norm: That shoots my plans for the evening.

Rebecca: [to Carla] Can you help me with these, please?
Norm: Wow, nice earrings.
Rebecca: Thank you.
Norm: No, I meant Carla's. They look like real little bananas.
Carla: Oh, thanks.
Norm: Although, yours are actually pretty nice, too.
Rebecca: Thank you.
Norm: Are they real?
Rebecca: Yes, they're genuine diamonds.
Norm: No, I mean are they real little bananas.

Sam: Evening, folks. [Woody wolf whistles] Thank you, Woody.
Woody: Yeah, Carla just taught me that. You were right, Carla. All I needed was a little more slobber on my fingers.

Norm: Sammy, all decked out, huh?
Sam: Yeah, my date's gonna pick me up in a couple of minutes. We're going to go over to that shindig they're throwing at the USS Constitution.
Cliff: Oh, Sammy, how'd you wrangle a ticket to that sea-going soiree?
Sam: Well, you know the event's going to be televised. So they wanted to fill the audience with, a lot of, you know, big, local celebrities.
Norm: Yeah, one of them has to go to the bathroom, you rush down and fill in the seat.
Sam: Yeah.
Rebecca: You know, I happen to be going to that exact same event. Perhaps when I get up to go to the powder room, you can grab my seat.
Sam: Heck, turn around. I'll do it right now.

Norm: Come on, Rebecca. Fess up. We know you're just a seat filler.
Rebecca: I am not! I told you I was going with a cardiologist. A very good-looking cardiologist.
Cliff: Oh, yeah? As good-looking as Sammy here?
Rebecca: Please, he's better-looking.
Sam: Oh, yeah? Well, my date's so good-looking that when the two of us walk down the street, people actually look at her.
Rebecca: Oh, yeah? Well, my date has saved many, many lives, and has two homes.
Sam: Yeah? Well, my date's a high-fashion model and she's known on two continents.
Cliff: Oh, yeah? Which two, Sam?
Sam: America and Brazil.

Rebecca: [answers phone] Hello, Cheers. Oh, hi, Jeff. Oh, gee, that's disappointing. No, it's no bother, I don't mind. Okay, bye.
Sam: Oh, dear. Sounds like some heart specialist decided to stay home and wash his hair tonight.
Rebecca: He did not. He has an emergency bypass.
Sam: Yeah, he had to bypass you. [guys laugh]
Rebecca: I'm telling you the truth.
Sam: Boy, you know, it's so pathetic when you're all dolled up and no place to go, isn't it?
Woody: Oh, Sam, that reminds me. Jacqueline called. She can't make it tonight.
Rebecca: You're right, Sam. That is pathetic. But I'm sure your date didn't have any lousy excuse like heart surgery.
Sam: As a matter of fact, she's very sick.
Rebecca: Sick of you. [Carla and Rebecca scream]