‘Homicidal Ham’
Season 2, Episode 4 - Aired October 27, 1983
Diane ignores Sam's advice when she tries to help her former homicidal blind date, Andy, get into acting.
Quote from Diane
Diane: I know a book store that specializes in theatrical books. Let's go and pick up some plays. Sam, may I have half an hour off?
Sam: No.
Diane: Oh, you're right. I need an hour.
Quote from Diane
Sam: A minute ago you thought this guy was Jack the Ripper. Now you're going to go out browsing with him?
Diane: Now I know him. Sam, look at him. Does he look like a dangerous person?
Sam: The guy has done time.
Diane: He made one small mistake.
Sam: No, he made a big one. He's a murderer, Diane.
Diane: One murder does not a murderer make. OK, what I mean is, he's not a murderer at heart. Anyone who loves the theatre loves mankind.
Sam: Diane, I just don't think somebody should go out with a crazy person.
Diane: I can take care of myself.
Sam: No, I was talking about me.
Quote from Sam
Andy: Sam, I sense you are uneasy about one of your employees being in danger with me. Sam, my crime occurred a long time ago. I was a different person then. I had one terrible moment of temporary insanity. I'm much better now. I'm much healthier. I can't remember the last time I heard those voices.
Sam: Well, I'm glad. What voices?
Andy: Those shrill voices that used to sound like my... [sobs]... my... mummy.
Sam: Oh. Well, I'm glad you got it licked.
Quote from Norm
Diane: All right, boys, off, off. Andy and I can't hear ourselves rehearsing back there. Professor DeWitt will be here any minute. [turns the TV off]
Norm: [to Sam] I hope she's showing you one hell of a good time.
Quote from Diane
Professor DeWitt: Diane, it's certainly nice to see you again. I could never picture you as a waitress.
Diane: Professor, you forget I played a waitress in your production of Bus Stop.
Professor DeWitt: Yes, I know.
Quote from Diane
Diane: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to talent night at Cheers. [applause] This evening we are going to begin with a scene from William Shakespeare's Othello. I know that I don't have to explain the play to Professor DeWitt. [laughs] But it might be helpful to some of you if I explain what you are about to see.
Cliff: [goofy voice] Well, I wonder who she's talking about, Norm.
Diane: In this play, Andrew Schroeder, my discovery, will enact the role of Othello. This is the story of a man, driven by insane jealousy, to murder the woman he loves because he believes she loves another man. [Andy has a stern look on his face] The scene we are about to do is the scene in which Othello actually kills said woman, who will be portrayed by myself. [Diane looks nervously at Andy] Did I mention that I'm playing Desdemona? OK, so without further ado, the strang- [voice cracks] the strangulation scene. [walks towards Andy] But before we do, let's have a little background on the 16th Century. [audience groans]
Quote from Diane
Diane: All right. On with the play. In this scene, Desdemona is in bed, when Othello comes in, thinking, very mistakenly, I can assure you. He's completely off-base on this one. He'll be sick about it in the morning. Thinking that she has been unfaithful to him. Which, of course, she hasn't.
Andy: It is the cause. It is the cause, my soul. Let me not name it to you, you chaste stars. It is the cause. Yet I'll not shed her blood, nor scar that whiter skin of hers than snow.
Diane: There. Good. Well, it's agreed. No blood, no scarring, and that's the gist of our scene.
Cliff: Oh, come on, Diane! [audience groans]
Quote from Diane
Diane: Who's there? Othello?
Andy: Aye, Desdemona.
Diane: Will you come to bed, my lord? [Norm claps]
Andy: Have you prayed tonight, Desdemona? I would not kill thy unprepared spirit.
Diane: Talk- Talk you of killing?
Andy: Aye. I do.
Professor DeWitt: He's convincing. There's a real murderous intensity about him.
Diane: Then heaven have mercy on me.
Andy: Think on thy sins.
Quote from Sam
Coach: Sam, are you sure she's OK?
Sam: Yeah, sure. She's just acting, Coach.
Coach: Shouldn't you make sure?
Sam: Can you imagine what she'd say if I butted in on her Shakespeare scene?