Carla: He's not back yet?
Diane: No.
Carla: Why don't you make a run for it?
Diane: You're a bitter little person, aren't you?
Carla: Yeah. Well, I have a right to be. My husband left me with four kids.
Diane: Four kids?
Carla: That's right. And after I paid his way through school hustling drinks.
Diane: What school did your husband go to?
Carla: The Colletti Academy. TV repair. So the minute he graduated, he left me. Said I wouldn't fit in with the other repairmen's wives. Big shot!
Diane: He sounds like a cur.
Carla: Yeah. Well, he's not all bad. He still fixes my set and only bills me for parts.

Diane: Well, you must get real tired of hearing people cry in their beer, huh? I wonder why people tell bartenders their problems. It's kind of sad, isn't it?
Sam: Yeah.
Diane: These poor wretches with no one in the world to turn to but some stranger who mixes drinks. I met Sumner two years ago. I was so flattered when he actually went out of his way to pick me as his teaching assistant. I'm still kind of in awe of him, you know. He's the most brilliant man I've ever known. For the last two years, he's been the most important thing in my life, and now I may be losing him. [sobs]
Sam: Oh, hey, come on. Look, you are a very attractive young lady.
Diane: Thank you.

Sam: Look, you're gonna find someone a lot better for yourself than that goofy professor.
Diane: Goofy? Are you talking about Sumner?
Sam: I'm talking about Sumner.
Diane: You don't like Sumner.
Sam: I don't like Sumner.
Diane: You know why you don't like Sumner?
Sam: Because he's goofy.
Diane: No. Because he's everything you're not. He's well bred, highly educated, he's distinguished, he's urbane...
Sam: You left out "goofy".
Diane: I did not leave out "goofy"!
Sam: You were coming to it?
Diane: I should have expected this. That goof will be on the cover of Saturday Review someday.
Sam: That goof is probably gonna be on a beach on Barbados tomorrow, rubbing suntan oil on his ex-wife.

Diane: I forgot to change the reservations again.
Sam: Use this one.
Diane: Thank you. [on the phone] Uh, yes, I'd like to change the reservations for Mr and Mrs Sumner Sloane, flight 481 to Barbados. They did? Are you sure? No, thank you. [Dianne hangs up and heads for the door]
Sam: I'm sorry.
Diane: How did you know?
Sam: Bartenders' intuition.
Diane: What a shame such an astute observer of human nature is stuck behind a bar.
Sam: That's what I think.

Sumner: Listen, I must dash. I'll be back in ten minutes. Excuse me, what's your name?
Sam: Sam.
Sumner: Listen, Sam, old man, I have an errand to run. Now, Diane is going to stay here. I'd appreciate it if you would keep an eye on her.
Sam: For you, Sumner, old man, I'll keep both my eyes on her.
Diane: Sumner, am I stupid to let you go see a woman you were once in love with?
Sumner: Oh, my, darling, I'm leaving you alone in a bar. Which one of us is the stupider?
Sam: Too close to call.

Coach: [enters] You call that a football team?
Sam: What's wrong, Coach?
Coach: What's wrong? The Patriots did it again. This has got to be the worst draft yet. They got a first-round pick, right, Sam? Did they get a jackrabbit for the backfield? No. A gunslinger at quarterback? No. A linebacker they get, Sam. A linebacker.
Sam: I don't know, Coach. I've seen a good linebacker turn a whole team around.
Coach: Yeah, me, too.

Norm: Coach, what do you think of the Patriots' draft, huh?
Coach: Forget it, Norm. They need linebackers like I need antlers.
Norm: Yeah? I say that new linebacker is going to put 'em in the Super Bowl.
Coach: You know, he'll probably do that. Gee, I got an awful headache all of a sudden.

Diane: Well, if you were so good, why aren't you still playing?
Sam: I developed an elbow problem. [holds up a bottle of wine] I bent it too much.
Diane: You were a drunk?
Coach: Are you kidding? He was a great drunk. Anything that kid did, it was great.
Sam: I was not a great drunk. I was a good drunk.
Diane: Are you drunk now?
Sam: No, I haven't had a drink in three years.
Norm: I, for one, am proud you licked it, Sammy. Must've been hell. [sips beer]
Diane: Why do you own a bar?
Sam: I bought it when I was a drunk. And I, uh, I held on to it for sentimental reasons.

Norm: Yo, miss. What you reading? A book?
Diane: Excuse me. Where is your bathroom?
Coach: Uh, next to my bedroom.
Sam: Down the hall.

Norm: [phone rings] If it's my missus, I'm on my way.