‘Fools and Their Money’
Season 4, Episode 12 - Aired December 19, 1985
Sam tries to protect Woody by not placing a long-shot bet with his bookie, only for Woody to win the bet.
Quote from Paul
Sam: Here you go. Seventy-five big ones. Paul, second place. Twenty-five.
Paul: You did good, kid, but I still think I got a more reliable system.
Norm: Yeah? I could really use one. What's yours?
Paul: I just bet opposite whatever you pick.
Quote from Woody
Woody: Hey, Sam, that guy still didn't show up with the money. He is gonna give it to me, isn't he?
Carla: Of course he will. No bookie would welsh on a bet. He'd be the lowest spitwad on earth.
Sam: Actually, murderers are lower.
Woody: You know, back home we'd take welshers, rub them with bacon fat and throw them in the sty with Romeo, the friendly hog.
Quote from Sam
Sam: How'd it go?
Diane: Not well. Sam, I feel utterly defeated. Here you came to me as a friend asking for my advice, and I let you down.
Sam: I know.
Diane: Is there anything I can do to help you in this time of crisis?
Sam: Not dressed.
Quote from Sam
Sam: Sit down, Woody. I've been trying to think of an easy way of saying this, but I don't think there is any. I never placed your bet with my bookie. Here's your thousand dollars back.
Woody: You never placed the bet?
Sam: No, I was trying to take care of you the way Coach used to take care of me. And it worked out about as well, too, which scares the hell out of me.
Quote from Sam
Sam: Hey, hey! Would you two cut it out. You're drowning out a perfectly good tire commercial.
Quote from Frasier
Frasier: Hi, everybody. Diane, listen. I'm here to tell you that I've just spent the most painful week of my entire life. I was ice-fishing in subzero-degree temperatures in Nova Scotia. I don't think I could have stood it for another minute, but, you know, it was worth it. Because every iota of pettiness in me was left back on that frozen tundra. So I'm here just to ask you to please forgive me.
Diane: Apology accepted.
Frasier: Incomplete sentence. Oh, my God. I hope they're still biting.
Quote from Diane
Sam: I never placed Woody's bet.
Diane: Oh, my God. Sam, for the first time in your life you had the right intentions, and it still blew up in your face.
Sam: It was such a stupid bet. I was just trying to protect him. What am I gonna do? I mean, I don't have $10,000.
Diane: Oh, dear. Well, we know that Woody actually did pick the winning teams.
Sam: Yeah? So?
Diane: So why don't you go to the bookie-
Sam: Bookie.
Diane: ...and tell him that you honestly intended to wager on the winning teams and see if he won't give you the money.
Sam: That's a good idea. While I'm at it, why don't I just tell him that I meant to bet on all the winning teams since 1975?
Diane: Can you do that?
Sam: Please!
Quote from Sam
Diane: Well, Sam. Why don't I just sound Woody out for you? There's always the possibility that the money isn't important to him.
Sam: Yeah. Maybe not. Oh, that's a good idea. Oh, thank you.
Diane: Sam, by the way, thank you for coming to me for advice. I'm touched.
Sam: Well, if this works out, you will be.
Quote from Sam
Sam: Woody, come on. Woody, friends yell at each other. It's okay. Coach and I used to fight all the time, but we were good friends.
Woody: Really?
Sam: Yeah. Yeah, as a matter of fact, it made us closer sometimes.
Woody: Oh, sure.
Sam: No, I'm serious. Come here. Come here. Listen. Coach was a great peacemaker. He had this little trick. He'd... You know, after a big fight, he'd make us put our arms around each other and sing "Home, Home on the Range." I know. It sounds pretty silly, huh?
Woody: Yeah.
Sam: Well, do it for me anyway. Come on, Woody. Come on. Yeah, there you go. Uh, Coach used to start me out on the first few notes.
Woody: [sings] Oh, give me a home [Sam joins in] Where the buffalo roam And the deer and the antelope play
Woody: How long we gotta sing this?
Sam: Half an hour. Coach said that if you could sing "Home on the Range" with a man for half an hour, you couldn't possibly hold a grudge.
Both: [sing] Where seldom is heard A discouraging word And the skies are not cloudy all day
Sam: You feeling better?
Woody: I still want your car.
Sam: [sings] Home, home on the range [Woody joins in] Where the deer and the antelope play
Carla: Coach's old trick.
Diane: Oh, good. Everything's okay.
All: [sing] A discouraging word And the skies are not cloudy all day Home, home on the range
Quote from Sam
Woody: Wow. You know, if I bet with a bookie, I'd have something to tell my grandchildren.
Diane: Sam, I don't think you should encourage Woody to pursue illegal activities.
Sam: Oh, lighten up, will you, Diane. It's a part of a guy's passage into maturity. You know, like going to a cathouse or whizzing off a balcony or mooning out of the back of a car.
Cliff: Or on a really good night, all three.
Norm: Ah, yes, the triple.