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Feelings... Whoa, Whoa, Whoa

‘Feelings... Whoa, Whoa, Whoa’

Season 11, Episode 9 -  Aired December 3, 1992

Carla resumes her love-hate relationship with John Allen Hill. Meanwhile, Cliff sinks to a new low as he claims that Adolf Hitler has moved into his apartment building.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Big news, everybody. Put down your beer mugs and hold on to your barstools. Me and Ma just got a new neighbor, moved into our apartment building little guy, about a hundred years old, up from South America, thick German accent, little mustache right about here. Likes to paint. I think you know where I'm going with this.
Frasier: Sweet Lord, I'll bet I do.
Cliff: Yep, Adolf Hitler is living in my apartment building.
Norm: Cliff, I don't even know why I have to tell you this, but Hitler is dead. He died at the end of World War ll in that bunker.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, really? Were you at the bunker?
Norm: Yeah, as a matter of fact...
Frasier: Cliff, throughout the years, we've become accustomed to your... Oh, how shall I delicately put this? Uh... madness. Now, for my own peace of mind, please assure me that you're not going to march up to this man and accuse him of being der Fuhrer.
Cliff: No, my accusations won't come until after I complete my investigation. The case will be rock solid, and it'd better be. l- I've been wrong twice before, you know.

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Quote from John Allen Hill

John: Sa-am.
Sam: Wha-at?
John: I haven't been down here since the fire. By the way, when are you going to rebuild?
Sam: We have.
John: Oh, well, and it looks very... The reason I'm down here is, last night our refrigerator went on the fritz, leaving us with a hundred pounds of mackerel, which may or may not have gone bad. Now, not wanting to take a chance with my customers, I'm prepared to offer a special to your patrons. All-you-can-eat for two dollars.

Quote from John Allen Hill

Carla: Oh, good, my package from Amityville has arrived.
John: Ah, Miss Tortelli. Tell me, is that a new hairdo or did someone toss a toaster in your bathtub? [chuckling] What am I saying? What would you be doing in a bathtub?
Carla: Cleaning you out of the drain.
John: Yeasty oil slick.
Carla: Bladder polyp.
John: Manwich.
Carla: Perverted goat boy.
John: Sluttish mole.
Carla: 7:00 tonight?
John: Make it 6:30.
Carla: That man is the foulest, most disgusting, hideous creature to ever walk the face of this earth, and he's all mine.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Well, all right, everybody. Drop what you're doing, stop the presses. Nobody's going to be making fun of Cliff Clavin anymore. That's for sure. Look, what I found in the trash of Mr. A. Hitler. Behold, exhibit "A."
Paul: What's this, a check stub here?
Cliff: It's a Social Security check stub, and it sickens me. To think that we Americans worked our fingers to the bone so Mr. Hitler could have creamed corn.
Paul: A cereal box?
Cliff: That's right, Paul, it's a cereal box. I guess we can determine that Trix are for kids and for der Fuhrer.
Rebecca: Cliff, what is that thing?
Cliff: This is the most sophisticated and high-tech listening device that money can buy. Gentlemen, say hello to Mr. Ear.
Frasier: Mr. Ear.
Cliff: That's right, you see, if I'm going to stop the Fourth Reich from happening, I have to know every move that Hitler makes. With this baby, I can hear a pin drop at 500 feet away. See those two chicks up there? I'll tell you exactly what they're talking about. They're talking about some stupid-looking yutz holding a... never mind. All right. Look, wish me luck, everybody. If I'm not back in two hours, call the Defense Department. Tell them Hitler's alive and living in my apartment building. They know the address.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: This is for you.
Rebecca: For me? What is it? [gasps] Oh, Kelly, this is beautiful. Why me?
Kelly: Because I like you and you've always shown me friendship.
Rebecca: Well, that's sweet, Kelly. Thank you.
Kelly: And I want you to keep your hands off my man. Do we understand each other?
Rebecca: Not really.
Kelly: [laughs] Don't play dumb with me, Miss Howe. I invented it. You know, Woody tells me how you look at him.
Rebecca: Kelly, I don't look at him.
Kelly: I know you do, Miss Howe, and I'm prepared to buy you one of these every month if you keep away from my Woody.
Rebecca: Well, you know, Kelly, he is awfully cute.
Kelly: All right, one a week. Do we have a deal?
Rebecca: Deal.
Kelly: Do you know where Carla is?

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: A Scotch, please, Sam. And how about a beer for my friend Norm there?
Norm: Thank you, Fras. You're certainly in a chipper mood today.
Frasier: And why not? It's a beautiful day.
Sam: Yeah, good for you. You know, it's amazing how fast you've gotten over your separation.
Frasier: Well, a healthy mental attitude, that's my secret. Without that, you're nothing.
Sam: Ah, that's great, that's great. You're completely over Lilith.
Frasier: I'm sorry, who?
Sam: Lilith, your wife.
Frasier: Never heard of the slut.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: All right. Who wants to know what Hitler watches on TV?
Norm: Cliff, I'm not gonna play this stupid game anymore. Hitler does not live in your apartment building.
Cliff: All right, from 1500 hours to 1530 hours, he watched The Flintstones.
Norm: Instead of Gilligan's Island? Well, he is a mad man.
Cliff: From 1530 hours to 1600 he watched People's Court. How ironic. At 1630 hours, he clapped off the TV and went to bed. [a man of Indian heritage enters the bar] Oh, my God, Norm! It's him. Hide me.
Norm: This is the guy you thought was Hitler?
Cliff: No, no, worse! It's my landlord, Mr. Cranston.

Quote from John Allen Hill

John: Carla, could you please do me a small favor?
Carla: Yes, John.
John: Could you work yourself behind this machinery and unplug my life-support system so that I can leave this life and this agonizing conversation behind?
Carla: Oh, like it was fun for me, zit face!
John: Sasquatch.
Carla: Road kill.
John: Catcher's mitt.
Carla: Pond scum.
John: Phlegm face.
Carla: See you in eight weeks?
John: Make it four.
Carla: Make it two.
John: Pull the curtain.

Quote from Woody

Frasier: You know, Cliff's pulled some pretty crazy stunts through the years, but this is really starting to get me worried.
Tim: Yeah, maybe Cliff is really going over the edge here.
Woody: Gentlemen, if I may be the voice of reason, what if it is Hitler? [door opens]
Cliff: [enters] Woody, I heard every word you said. Thanks for being in my corner, pal. [exits]
Woody: I knew he was listening. Now, when he snaps, maybe he'll spare me.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: I was talking about John Hill.
Sam: What hospital is he in?
Norm: Arlington.
Rebecca: Should we visit him at the hospital? Who wants to go? [the guys are silent] Come on, you guys, he's our neighbor. We know him, we should see him in the hospital.
Norm: Rebecca, it's not like he's our best friend or anything.
Rebecca: Norm, that's not the point. The point is, you have to pretend to be nice to people. That's what makes you a good person.

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