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‘Fear Is My Co-Pilot’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Fear Is My Co-Pilot

421. Fear Is My Co-Pilot

Aired March 13, 1986

An adventurous ex-boyfriend of Diane's visits Cheers and takes her and Sam on a wild ride on his plane.

Quote from Frasier

Woody: Oh, no. It's almost 5:00.
Norm: What's the problem with 5:00, Woody?
Woody: Well, every day at 5, this guy comes in and blabbers and blabbers and talks my ear off. I don't know what to do.
Carla: Why don't you do what I do. Tell him to shut his fat, ugly mouth.
Woody: Oh, no, it's not Mr. Clavin.
Frasier: Woody, Woody. Calm yourself. There's no need for concern. I'm sure he's just a lonely man who wandered in here one day and found a sympathetic ear. Unfortunately, indulging him will only aggravate the problem. You see, people in this situation have a tendency to prattle on endlessly, totally unaware of how others are receiving this unwanted, innocuous information. Now, the next time a neurotic personality such as this gets off on one of these jags, just turn your back and walk away. Because, you see, the important thing is, well... [Everyone walks away from Frasier] Well, just a second, I was... Oh, you merry band.

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Quote from Frasier

Diane: Well, there's not much to say. He's a man I dated a bit in Europe.
Woody: Was that before or after you dumped Dr. Crane and sent him into an alcoholic tailspin?
Diane: After.
Frasier: How long after?
Diane: Days. I met Jack at the running of the bulls in Pamplona.
Frasier: Isn't that just like a woman? While I wept bitterly into the Adriatic, she was busy dodging bovines in sunny Spain.
Diane: Frasier, I was upset. I would have done anything. I wasn't running to Jack, I was running away from you.
Frasier: Well, I feel better now.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Jack is really something, isn't he?
Sam: Are you kidding me? I mean... I could do all that macho stuff if I wanted to, but it wouldn't make me any more of a man.
Diane: Do I detect a hint of raised consciousness?
Sam: Yeah. I mean, a real guy doesn't have to jump on sharks and dodge poison darts just to prove he's a guy.
Diane: I'm astonished.
Sam: A real guy just has to score heavy with the babes, that's all.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Hey, Sam, I want you to know, if I'm ever in a life-or-death situation and things look hopeless, like there's no way of getting out alive, I want you there with me.
Sam: Thanks, buddy.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Diane here yet?
Carla: No, no. Miss Tardy-Slip is late again. She probably stopped somewhere to think up another lame-o excuse for being late in the first place.
Diane: [enters] I'm sorry I'm late. I was taking a nap, and I forgot to set my alarm. And my down comforter felt so toasty. Well, you know me. I'm something of a slumber cat.

Quote from Diane

Diane: As fortune would have it, Jack came into my life at that point, and his love of danger intoxicated me. If he said, "Let's try the luge run at St. Moritz," I said, "Why not." I guess for a brief while, I was danger's mistress.
Frasier: Is there anyone whose mistress you weren't?
Diane: Put a cork in it, Frasier. Jack is from a period in my life that I would rather put behind me. I'm more mature now. More centered. Sam, I'm going to hide in the back. When Jack comes, just tell him I'm dead.

Quote from Diane

Diane: We're going to crash. We're going to die. They're going to check out our dental records to identify our remains. And I haven't been to Dr. Oberding for as much as a polish in over six months.

Quote from Sam

Sam: All right. All right, I saw this movie once where this perfectly ordinary lady had to land this airliner. So all we gotta do now is make radio contact with some guy on the ground, and he'll talk us down onto the runway.
Diane: What do you remember? Wait, what do you remember?
Sam: I remember thinking that, "These people are in a lot of trouble."

Quote from Diane

Sam: Oh, it would have been us one of these days, wouldn't it? You and me married? Hmm. Yeah, yeah.
Diane: Little Sams and Dianes running...
Sam: Oh, yeah. Oh, God. Why didn't I ask you when I had the chance?
Diane: Why did I go to Europe?
Sam: Oh, it's okay.
Diane: At least we're going together.
Sam: Yeah.
Jack Dalton: I love it. [both scream]
Diane: Jack, what the hell are you doing alive?
Sam: Dalton, fly the damn plane.
Jack Dalton: It was a little trick I learned in Tibet. I slowed my metabolism down to a heartbeat a minute.

Quote from Sam

Sam: That was the rottenest, stupidest, sleaziest thing anyone's ever done.
Jack Dalton: Chambers, I saw comfortable and safe and domestic written all over your face tonight and couldn't stand it. You needed this. You too, Malone. You needed a step to the brink. You needed to look into the gaping maw of death and live to tell about it.
Sam: I'm gonna stick my fist in your gaping maw.
Jack Dalton: Oh, no, you won't. You'll live to thank me. From this day forward, you're reborn. Everything in your life's gonna be better.
Sam: You're crazy.
Jack Dalton: Food is gonna taste better.
Sam: I don't care.
Jack Dalton: Flowers are gonna smell better.
Sam: Hey, you're nuts.
Jack Dalton: Sex is gonna feel better. [Sam is silent]

Quote from Sam

Diane: Look, Sam some things were said between us that have never been said before. And they were said because we were facing death. And now that the crisis is over, I think we should set aside some of those things for when we can better deal with them. What I'm trying to say is that I think we should, for the time being, forget what was said on that plane.
Sam: Hey, what plane, huh?
Diane: The plane where you said your deepest desire was to marry me. [exits]
Sam: Oh, yeah, that plane.

Quote from Norm

Jack Dalton: [lifting Diane] Still light as a bird, huh?
Diane: Oh, Jack. Listen, I want you to meet everybody. This is Carla Tortelli.
Jack Dalton: [lifts Carla] Tortelli!
Carla: Easy, Hercules. I just had chilli.
Woody: I'm Woody Boyd.
Jack Dalton: [lifts Woody] Boyd!
Cliff: I'm Cliff Clavin.
Jack Dalton: [lifts Cliff] Clavin!
[Norm stands up and holds his arms out]
Norm: Norm Peterson.
Jack Dalton: Norm. [shakes Norm's hand]

Quote from Woody

Jack Dalton: I got a whistle to wet. Hey, barkeep, how'd you like to arm-wrestle me for a beer?
Norm: Hey, all right!
Woody: All righty, but I have to warn you, I was arm-wrestling champion of Posey County.
Jack Dalton: Fair enough. All right. One, two, three...
Woody: Ladies and gents, the new champ of Posey County.

Quote from Sam

Jack Dalton: You look like you could give me a run for my money.
Sam: I think I'll take a rain check.
Jack Dalton: Come on, man, just for the sport of it.
Diane: Jack, I'll buy you the beer. You don't have to beat everybody in the bar.
Sam: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think I'm gonna lose? Sam Malone here. I'm the owner of the bar, and I've yet to lose a beer in it.
Jack Dalton: Well, there's a first time for everything. One, two, three...
[As they arm-wrestle, neither makes any headway against the other]
Sam: [pained] So how long you in town for?
Jack Dalton: [pained] Just for the day. I'm on my way to the Air Races in Reno.
Sam: Reno? Yeah, that's lovely this time of year.
Jack Dalton: Beautiful... [Jack defeats Sam]
Sam: Well, I guess I owe you a beer here.

Quote from Sam

Jack Dalton: Diane, how the hell are you?
Diane: I'm fine. I'm fine.
Jack Dalton: My God, you look pale. You folks should've seen her frolicking in the surf at Mykonos. Her little bottom was as brown as a berry.
Carla: The stick running around buck-naked?
Diane: It was a semiprivate beach.
Sam: Used to be a semiprivate bottom.

Quote from Norm

Diane: So, Jack, what's been happening with you lately?
Jack Dalton: Oh, nothing much. I spent most of last year in Tibet centring my consciousness with secrets from the Book of the Dead. Fun place, Tibet. I studied under this Buddhist monk who had such a pixyish sense of humour. I remember this one particular morning. We were clad in goatskin. The sun was just coming over the Himalayas. At that moment I took my first trip out of my body to nirvana.
Norm: You know, a trip like that could well be deductible. See, well, I'm a CPA. Unemployed CPA. Kind of a funny, unemployed CPA.

Quote from Cliff

Woody: Mr. Dalton, you've had so many bizarre and terrifying experiences.
Jack Dalton: Some people say that I have a death wish. Far from it. I have a life wish.
Cliff: Yeah, so does Normie.
Norm: What, what, what?
Cliff: He wishes he had one. [laughs]

Quote from Diane

Jack Dalton: Hey, Chambers! Come on, tell us all about you. Now, the last time I saw you, you turned down my offer to travel around the world because you had a secret love back in Boston. Baseball player, wasn't it?
Diane: Yes, Mickey Mantle. It didn't work out.
Jack Dalton: I always say the best remedy for unrequited love is a trip around the world on a raft. Sound tempting?
Diane: Jack, I feel kind of settled now. I'll admit that when you knew me in Europe, it was important for me to test myself that way. And I was rather fearless. But that was the nadir of my existence. My life now is complete and happy, and I'm scared of my own shadow. Ooh!

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Hey, what kind of aircraft you got up there, Dalton? Messerschmitt? Fokker?
Jack Dalton: No, it's a Bobcat with a couple of Pratt & Whitney JT1 5D-1A engines. Twenty-two hundred pounds of thrust apiece.
Cliff: Hey, good little birdy.

Quote from Sam

Diane: I'd really rather not go flying tonight.
Sam: What?
Diane: Sam, please. Tell him I have to work tonight, and I couldn't possibly accompany him.
Sam: I have a better idea. Why don't you do it. You were his berry-bottomed baby.

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