‘Don Juan Is Hell’
Season 4, Episode 11 - Aired December 12, 1985
Diane uses Sam as a case study for her Human Sexuality class. Meanwhile, Woody challenges Carla to a sports trivia contest.
Quote from Diane
Sam: Oh, hi, doc. Oh, my, is that the paper there?
Dr. Greenspon: This is it.
Sam: You know, I still haven't had a chance to read that. You mind if I take a look?
Diane: Oh, you wouldn't enjoy it, Sam.
Dr. Greenspon: Oh, don't be modest, Diane. I'm looking forward to your presentation of it in class tonight.
Diane: Thank you, doctor.
Sam: Tonight? Hey, you know, wait a second, I'm the headline act of that thing. You mind if I sit in on class?
Diane: Oh, Sam. You wouldn't enjoy the class, either. It's very dry and boring. No reflection on you, professor. I mean to someone of Sam's limited intelligence. No reflection on you, Sam. What I mean is, don't you have to cover for Woody tonight?
Quote from Sam
Sam: Wait a second, I've got an idea. Why don't you bring them all over here. Kind of a field trip. See Trevor in action.
Dr. Greenspon: Well, we could hardly do that. But I don't think some of the members would mind coming by for a drink after. It would give them a chance to meet the clinical case in the flesh.
Sam: Oh, I'm not going to promise that. We'll just see how the evening goes.
Dr. Greenspon: He's remarkable.
Quote from Sam
Norm: Professor Malone, I think you've got a little class in session there.
Sam: Hi, doc. Over here. Welcome, everybody. Why don't you come over and take a seat anywhere over here.
Dr. Greenspon: Oh, there's no need to be so formal, but if you have something prepared.
Sam: Oh, just a few things off the top of my head. [to a woman] Did you bring an apple for the teacher?
Quote from Sam
Sam: Welcome, everybody. Now, I realize you came here to meet me and find out what makes a guy like me tick. So I asked myself: "What makes you so different from everybody else when it comes to scoring big with women?" And I think it's-- I think it's this: I love ladies. I love the way they smell, the way they sound, the way they feel. [to a female student] And by the way, that shade of lipstick really compliments that rosy glow on your cheeks.
Dr. Greenspon: Unbelievable.
Sam: Now, see, I'm not the only one who thinks that.
Quote from Sam
Sam: What's your name, son?
Barry: Barry.
Sam: Barry. All right, Barry. Why don't you tell me what you do when you meet a girl for the first time.
Barry: Well, I talk to her and I let her know that I respect her as a human being. I ask her out without putting any pressure on her, and I let the relationship grow naturally.
Sam: [laughs] Well, we all have some pretty crazy ideas when we're young. Okay, can anyone tell me where Barry went off the beam? [Diane stands up] Miss Chambers has a thought here. [Diane points to Sam's office] All right. Well, all right, I guess so. We can take five here. Smoke them if you got them.
Quote from Diane
Diane: Oh, don't be hurt. I hate it when you're hurt. This is not a true picture of you. I exaggerated in order to corroborate my thesis.
Sam: Boy, I don't know. Maybe I am gonna end up this way.
Diane: You're not listening to me. This is a paper. Theory and conjecture. I was going for a grade. I told the professor what I thought he wanted to hear.
Sam: You're just saying that to make me feel better. I mean, everything in here is true, including the part about I've never had a nonsexual relationship.
Diane: Now, there, that's a good example of exaggeration. You and I have a nonsexual relationship.
Sam: How can you say that?
Diane: Well, I think that the fact that we don't have sex is a major hint.
Quote from Sam
Sam: What's that leave us?
Diane: Religion.
Sam: Religion. All right, the Bible.
Diane: Adam.
Sam: Eve.
Diane: Fig leaves.
Sam: Sin. All right. Okay.
Diane: Well, I think we've proved our point. Clearly we have a nonsexual relationship. And you are a fine human being.
Sam: Well, thank you, Diane.
Diane: So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go out there and tell them my paper is completely invalid.
Sam: There you go.
Diane: [the doorknob comes off in Diane's hand] Your knob.
Sam: Yes, I believe so.