Diane: What do you want to talk about?
Sam: It doesn't matter. Anything. How about the weather?
Diane: Okay.
Sam: Nice weather.
Diane: A little nippy.
Sam: Well, that's because we're in Boston. Now, if we were in, say, Tahiti.
Diane: We'd be lying in the sun.
Sam: Getting a tan.
Diane: Maybe even a sunburn.
Sam: Well, not if we rubbed oil all over each other.
Diane: What are we trying to prove again?
Sam: Uh... Something about that I can carry on a normal conversation without it being sexual.
Diane: Well, so much for the weather.

Sam: Yeah.
Diane: How about music?
Sam: No, we don't like the same music.
Diane: Well, we can talk about that.
Sam: All right. I like rock 'n' roll.
Diane: I like classical.
Sam: Harmonies.
Diane: Grandeur.
Sam: The hot guitar licks.
Diane: The strings washing over you in a darkened concert hall.
Sam: The driving beat.
Diane: The low moan of the cello.
Sam: The drums, pounding, pounding, pounding.
Diane: But if we don't agree, we don't agree.
Sam: Yeah, right.

Carla: Would you please see if you can light a fire under the stick? She's been goofing off for an hour.
Sam: Oh, yeah?
Carla: Yeah. She's gotta write some paper about sex and she can't think of anything to write about.
Sam: You're kidding me. She studied for a whole year at Sammy State.

Diane: Sam, before we start, I want to warn you. This will be frank and candid. We may be touching on some highly sensitive areas.
Sam: Ooh, I like the sound of it already. Go ahead. Go ahead.
Diane: Okay, why don't we start with your parents. Would you describe them as physically demonstrative?
Sam: I'm here, aren't l? They must have been. But why are you asking me about my parents?
Diane: I'm asking about your parents to lay a psychological foundation for your later behavior.
Sam: Boy, this isn't as much fun as I thought it was gonna be. When are we gonna get to me?

Sam: "Trevor, a Case Study." Who's Trevor?
Diane: That's you.
Sam: You're not gonna use my name?
Diane: Of course not.
Sam: So I do all the work and this Trevor guy gets the credit?
Diane: Sam, this is not your resume. In a psychological treatise, real names are never used.
Sam: Yeah, but at least I should be able to choose my own name. How about "Duke"?
Diane: This is my paper, and I like Trevor.

Cliff: So, Woody, ready to take on Carla in the sports trivia contest?
Woody: Yeah, well, now, I've been studying all week long, so go ahead. Test me.
Norm: All right. In what game did Ted Williams break his elbow.
Woody: Ted who?
Norm: I'd take another quick peek in the book, Woods.

Diane: Dr Greenspon, what on earth are you doing here?
Dr. Greenspon: I just wanted to come by and tell you in person, I've read your paper, and I think it is absolutely extraordinary. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if The New England Journal of Psychology wanted to publish it.
Diane: Forgive me for losing my academic demeanor for a few moments. Oh, yippee! Oh! I'm sorry. Sorry.
Dr. Greenspon: That's quite all right.
Diane: Would you like a drink?
Dr. Greenspon: I'd love a beer, please.
Diane: Wonderful. Coming right up.
Dr. Greenspon: Of course I do have a couple of reservations.
Diane: Oh?
Dr. Greenspon: Well, the most significant concerns your psychological subject, Trevor. Since you seem to have found such a near perfect example of Don Juanism, there are bound to be those who are going to doubt this paper's authenticity.
Diane: Doctor, I assure you, every word is true, although I understand your doubt. It is hard to believe that such a man exists.

Diane: Would you mind if I revealed your identity to my psychology professor, Dr. Greenspon?
Sam: Mind? Yo, doc, Trevor here. Alias: Sam Malone.
Dr. Greenspon: Lowell Greenspon. That's an amazing case history you have.
Sam: Yeah, isn't it? Knock on wood.
Dr. Greenspon: So you'd say that the paper is accurate?
Sam: Well, now, we had to change a few of the names to protect the satisfied.

Dr. Greenspon: What a find you have there, Diane.
Diane: So you really think it's publishable?
Dr. Greenspon: Well, that brings me to my other reservation.
Diane: What?
Dr. Greenspon: In Trevor, you've shown us the cause, yes? What the paper lacks is the effect. Now, if you could possibly find one of these conquests to learn why she's so gullible. What gives her such low self-esteem so that she could possibly fall for this blatant manipulation.
Diane: I don't know.
Dr. Greenspon: Well, if you did, I don't see how the Journal could fail to publish it.

Diane: So you liked my rewrite?
Dr. Greenspon: Oh, yes. I just can't get over it. I mean, who would have thought that this "Colette" that you described as "rapturously beautiful, intelligent, indeed brilliant with an ethereal quality" could be so easily manipulated by Trevor.
Diane: Trevor is not without his charms, crude as they may be.
Dr. Greenspon: Well, but they're so transparent. The woman would have to be addled. She'd have to be totally lacking-
Diane: Thank you, doctor. I think your point is made.