Frasier: No, now, just a second. I mean, I don't think we're really being fair. Now, let's say if an ugly woman were interested in Cliff, would any of us be suspicious?
Carla: If a living woman were interested in Cliff, I'd be suspicious.
Woody: You know, I got to go along with Dr. Crane on this one. I can't believe that someone would actually lie just to save a lot of money.
Frasier: Woody, don't help me, okay?

Sam: Listen, somebody's got to tell Cliff the truth.
Norm: I guarantee that he'll never talk to the person who does.
Carla: Okay, you talked me into it. Hey, Hopalong! Come here. I want to talk to you. [clears throat] I don't know how to tell you this. Wait a minute. Yes, I do. You're an idiot! Everybody in the bar thinks that babe is playing you for a fool and the second you drop your lawsuit, you're history. You are a sap.
Cliff: I know but I'm having the time of my life. You know, uh, how often am I a sap with a beautiful woman? I mean, I usually am a sap with the bowsers, but, uh... When Madeline and I walk into a restaurant, all the guys' heads, they turn. And they're not saying, "Hey there's a beautiful woman over there with a sap."
Carla: Yes, they are.
Cliff: Look, all I know is that as long as we're together, there's a good chance she may grant me the, uh, ultimate favor.
Carla: Yeah, right, Clavin. You're threatening to sue her, not kill her.

Madeline Keith: When this first began, I thought I could get you to drop the lawsuit, if I was nice to you. But then, the funniest thing happened. I grew to like you... a lot. But I'll understand if you hate me for what I was going to do. I was playing with your emotions when you've been so honest with me.
Cliff: Uh, well, I- I forgive you, Madeline, uh...
Madeline Keith: No, you're a decent guy, Cliff. Maybe I just better go.
Cliff: No, uh, Madeline, wait. Uh, look, l- l- l Anything you did, it doesn't make a difference to me.
Madeline Keith: You're not just saying that to make me feel better?
Cliff: No, I swear it. Scout's honor.
Madeline Keith: Oh, Cliff, oh! [they hug] Oh! Doesn't it feel good to clear the air?
Cliff: Oh, yeah, it does.
Madeline Keith: Look, why don't we forget about the dinner and rent a room somewhere and just celebrate our socks off?
Cliff: Really? Well, uh well, the, uh, Ritz is just around the corner.
Madeline Keith: Why, Cliff, I think that's a wonderful idea.
Cliff: Carla, would, uh, you be a dear and, uh, cancel dinner reservations for the, uh, Sap party? We're, uh we're going to have, uh, Ritz service at the room. [chuckles] l, uh, I meant Ritz service at the room. Can you believe I said "Ritz service at the room"? What I meant was, uh, Ritz service at the room.

Sam: Don't work too hard there, Diane.
Diane: I don't mind. Our wedding day draws ever nearer, and all this conditioning is simply preparation for that special moment. When you and I exchange rings, my hands must be pristine, because everyone's eyes will be on my fingers.
Carla: And everyone's fingers'll be down their throats.
Diane: Oh, Carla. Sweet, pathetic Carla. Can't you see that I am in far too good a mood to let your petty asides bother me? I'm afraid you'll just have to find some other way of bugging me.
Carla: If you insist.
[Carla pushes Diane's still wet nails into the pile of cotton balls]

Sam: Wait a minute here. This isn't one of those weird cults where they-they mess with your head and you end up handing out flowers at the airport. You will be coming back, won't you?
Diane: No, I won't be coming back, but I will. [laughs] I guess I just made up a little Zen koan, didn't l?
Frasier: Let me explain. A koan is a paradox upon which one meditates in order to become more enlightened. Uh, well, for example, what was your face before your parents were born?
Sam: Easy. A ten. This is kind of fun. You got any more?

Carla: Hey, hey, hey, is Diane taking the day off again?
Sam: No.
Carla: Good.
Sam: She's taking two weeks off.
Carla: [gasps] No, Sammy, that's not fair! Come on, she's always takin' off for one stupid reason or another. Can't we just kill her?
Sam: Sh- She's my fiance, Carla.
Carla: Is that a yes?
Sam: No, it's not.

Cliff: Eh, buono sera, mi amigos.
Sam: Hey, Cliffie, how's your leg?
Cliff: Oh, stiffening up there, Sammy. Uh, the muscle's all cramped, and I think the, uh, wound's getting a little infected. And the mental anguish that goes along with this... You know, you just you just can't put a price on this.
Norm: Well, let me guess here. You've seen an attorney.
Cliff: Yep. Yeah, yeah, the guy said that, uh, you know, 97% of all these canine attack cases, decided in favor of the postman.
Sam: Well, good for you, Cliff. You deserve to get a little satisfaction out of this.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, about, uh, two hundred thousand clams' worth?
Sam: Two hundred thousand?!
Norm: Two hundred thousand dollars? Dinner is on Cliff, all right? Huh, what do you say, buddy? I'll go upstairs, snag us a table, check out the specials. I'll be right back.

Steve: Hey, Cliff? Have you ever thought that you might be suing some poor, sweet, little old lady?
Cliff: Hey, listen, uh, sharpie, who she is is irrelevant. It's the letter of the law that's been violated here, and I just can't wait to get her into court and tear her to pieces with my verbal gymnastics. [chuckles]
Madeline Keith: [enters] Um, I'm looking for a Mr. Cliff Clavin.
Cliff: Yep.
Madeline Keith: You left this note in my mailbox. I'm afraid it was my dog that bit you.
Cliff: Uh... Uh...
Sam: Excuse me. Cliffie, wh- What are you trying to say?
Cliff: [speaking gibberish]
Sam: Yes, sh- She is very attractive.
Madeline Keith: Mr. Clavin, I'm terribly sorry about what happened. Uh, how is your leg?
Cliff: [speaking gibberish]
Norm: Cliffie, we're in luck. The special is filet of... [sees Madeline] filet... filet... filet...
Carla: Great. Stereo.

Norm: Cliffie, who died?
Cliff: The old Cliff Clavin, that's who, Normie.
Sam: Nice threads.
Cliff: Ah, thank you, Sammy. Can I have a little drink there, uh, Woody? We have, uh, enough time before Madeline and I go out to dinner this evening.
Norm: Wait a minute, are you still seeing each other?
Cliff: Every day this week, buddy.
Sam: Oh, things are getting pretty hot, huh?
Cliff: Sammy, our relationship is not based merely on the physical, huh?
Norm: He isn't getting any.

Sam: Uh, Cliff, I hate to bring up an ugly subject, but, uh...
Carla: Oh, that's okay, Sam. We're already in the area.