Diane: Oh, Frasier, we left Carla's present in the car.
Frasier: Oh, I'll get it. I hope I remember where I parked the thing. I'm so inebriated with joy over this situation. Or else the sake made me crocky. [laughs]
Cliff: Hey, hey, nobody told me he was funny.
Norm: Now you know why.

Diane: Afternoon, everyone. Golly, isn't it a beautiful day?
Sam: How are the new living arrangements going?
Diane: Oh, like a charm. [hums] I don't know why we didn't do it from the start.
Sam: Is that right?
Diane: Yeah. I couldn't be happier. Absolutely. [hums]
Sam: Say, Diane-
Diane: Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm sorry. You'll have to excuse that. I have some... ah. Some kind of an itch, sort of in the back of my throat, but not exactly. Have you ever had one of those? Boy, it's almost as if it's inside my ear, but not there either. You know?
Carla: Gee, that must be maddening. Let me get you the ice pick.

Cliff: [whispering] I did it. I did it. I went out. I got her a great birthday present.
Coach: You mean it's Carla's birthday already again? I tell you, the older you get, the time goes...

Sam: Well, I wish you all the luck in the world.
Diane: Because we'll need it?
Sam: No. Gosh, no. I think you two are a pair made in heaven. I don't care what the skeptics say, I say the two of you will last... Let's see, what time is it now?
Diane: Sam, you're hurting now, aren't you? Admit it. It's not in the least surprising that you're bitter because I never took this step with you, but what Frasier and I have together is more substantial. What you and I had was exciting, tempestuous at times, but there was no future in it.
Sam: Yeah, you've got to be careful about that excitement stuff. I mean, too much of that and soon you're starting to expect life to be enjoyable. Then one day you wake up and all those years of pleasure have gone by and what have you got to show for it? Happiness.
Diane: How true.

Carla: OK, cut the crap. Today's my birthday. You all know that. So if you're planning a party for me, and you damn well better be, let's get the show on the road here, huh?
Sam: Boy, if that's not a cue for merriment, I don't know what is?
Cliff: Just a small token of my appreciation.
Carla: A very small token.
Cliff: Well, you know what they say, good things come in small packages.
Carla: No, little things come in small packages. Oh. Perfume.
Cliff: No, toilet water. [laughs]
Carla: Gag gift. Gag gift, I went for it. OK.
Norm: [carrying a large, heavy box] All right, Carla. Maybe this will make it up to you.
Carla: Now, this is more like it. All right. [opens the box and peers inside] A jelly bean. Thank you, Norm. Another gag gift. Oh, you guys are too much. [gasps] And garlic flavored. Nice touch, Norm.

Sam: All right, you guys. Come on, stop. I tried to stop them, Carla, but you know how these clowns have to get their gags in. Anyway, we saved the best for last. This is from me and from Coach.
Carla: [gasps] Silverware.
[Carla removes a mask]
Cliff: Uh, the Lone Ranger?
Sam: Yeah, you wear it to ride on Silver. [laughs]
Coach: Don't you get it, Carla? You wear it to ride on Silver.
Sam: Silverware.
Carla: Hilarious. Thanks a bunch, guys.
Norm: Hey, don't thank us, it's the thought.

Diane: Sam, Frasier and I came to an important decision tonight after dinner.
Frasier: Sam, brace yourself. Diane and I are going to cohabitate.
Sam: Is that... right here in the bar? Well, I guess it's cheaper than a piano player.
Diane: This is predictable. Making jokes to mask the pain.
Sam: No, I don't understand what you two are talking about.
Diane: Sam, I'm going to move into Frasier's fashionable townhouse.
Sam: And where's Frasier going to move to?
Frasier: Sam, I believe you're being deliberately opaque in a situation where-
Diane: Frasier, he's making a joke.
Frasier: Oh, shoot.
Sam: So you two will be shacked up together?
Frasier: Yes, I decided it was time. The only thing that spoiled an evening with Diane was having to say good night to her.
Sam: Really? That was one of my highlights.

Sam: I had a puppy once. My ex-wife took her. Little bitch. About this high.

Sam: Carla, Frasier and Diane here have a gift for you.
Carla: Be still, my heart.
Frasier: Many happy returns, Carla.
Coach: Beautiful wrapping.
Carla: Oh, yes, Coach, exquisite wrapping. Now, let's get to the joke. [gasps] Oh, Diane, these are beautiful.
Diane: Frasier picked them out.
Carla: Thank you, Frasier.
Frasier: Don't mention it. Sam, how about a little vino to break them in?
Carla: Yeah, yeah, I want to make a toast. I want to toast the two people who had enough class to get me a real gift. To Diane and Frasier.
[Everyone laughs as Carla sips her drink and the red wine dribbles down her white shirt]
Frasier: No matter how many times I give fine-dribble crystal, I never tire of it.

Cliff: So how's it going, Carla?
Carla: Fine, thank you. But, say, don't think I don't appreciate busy guys like you caring enough to ask.
Coach: I think she's still sore about the gag gifts.
Cliff: She's more than sore. She's hurt, offended and resentful.
Norm: Yeah. If she were wearing dirty bunny slippers, she could be Vera.