Frasier: How could you betray my confidence, Sam?
Sam: You didn't say no telling.
Frasier: Oh, I see. I see. Obviously I made the mistake of treating you as an adult.
Diane: Why would you tell him anything to begin with?
Frasier: I was hoping for some insight.
Diane: Insight! From a man whose idea of intellectual stimulation is to count along with Big Bird?

Diane: What was the test about, Sam?
Sam: I don't know. I forget.
Diane: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You got an A on this test and you don't even know what it covered?
Sam: After a quiz, I like to empty out my head.
Diane: How? By blowing your nose?
Sam: I got an A, didn't l?

Sam: Hey, Woody, some champagne here. I mean, this is quite an occasion. I mean, I know I'm responsible for that, but I didn't even see that coming. The thought never even crossed my mind.
Diane: Thoughts can't cross your mind, Sam. The bridge is out.

Frasier: Diane, now listen, uh, listen, I think the joke's gone far enough, don't you? You haven't eaten a decent meal in a week. You're living off of cigarettes and coffee. I mean, for God's sake, this little literary magazine's circulation must be what, 600.
Diane: That's just the beginning. You see, the original 600 readers drop their copies on buses, in taxicabs and doctors' offices. And another 600 people pick them up and take them to the airport, where they go all over the country. And then they get taken on international flights. Tierra del Fuego, Sierra Leone; all the remotest parts of the world. And soon, I defy you to find me a house, a hut, an igloo or a wickiup that doesn't have a copy on the coffee table.
Frasier: Diane?
Diane: And then, then, then... [voice breaking] everyone in the world, every living thing will be laughing at me! Because he got published, and I did not!

Diane: Nick, will you give up on me? You and I are an impossibility. The only thing you instill in me is the desire to flee. And then to be de-flea'd.

Diane: Carla, I wasn't going to tell you this, but maybe you should hear it. The screenplay for which I was so extravagantly honored was based on your life. You were my inspiration.
Carla: Really?
Diane: Yes. It's the story of a resilient, hard working mother, bucking all odds to raise her six children.
Carla: Six? I got eight.
Diane: Good God! You breed like a fly!
Carla: Well, uh, this movie... people liked it?
Diane: They loved it, Carla. People were inspired by the plight of my heroine.
Carla: Yeah? Well, what happens to me? I mean, you know, to her, in the end.
Diane: Well out of the despair and frustration of her unmanageable life, she goes berserk and takes out a few people with an Uzi. That cost me the Humanitas Award.

Norm: What do you think, Sam?
Sam: Norm, I think it's stupid to jump into bed with somebody you're working with. [Diane nudges Sam] I didn't mean stupid in the unintelligent sense.
Diane: Don't mind Sam, he's a little depressed. This is the year his age caught up with his IQ.
Sam: That's years away.

Dr. Finch-Royce: That's it. I've died and gone to hell.
Diane: Doctor, there's one thing you haven't considered.
Dr. Finch-Royce: Right. Fine. All right. Okay. Um, Sam, Diane, you two are perfect together. I'm sorry I made a mistake, but I now see that you are the most perfectly matched couple on the face of the earth. But, why, why am I telling you this? Let's, let's share it with the rest of the world, shall we? Hear this, world, the rest of you can stop getting married now! It's been done to perfection! Envy them, sofa. Envy them, chair. For you shall never be as cozy as they. For I guarantee that their marriage will be a total epoch-shattering success. And I stake my life on it! Wait, let, let me put that on record. [tapes] l, Dr. Simon Finch-Royce, being of sound mind, declare that Sam and Diane shall be together throughout all eternity, and if I am wrong, I hereby promise that I will take my own life in the most disgusting manner possible! Here, take the tape. No, no, no, no, no! Take the whole machine. It's my wedding gift to you. To you, the most perfect couple since the dawn of time!
Diane: [to Sam] See?

Diane: Well, why don't you bring your remarkable powers to bear and enlighten me as to what my future holds?
Sam: [chuckles] I'm probably gonna regret this, but you could work here. [Diane laughs]
Carla: Sam.
Sam: [to Diane] Shut up for a second, will you?
Carla: I need- I need two vodka gimlets, one straight up, one blended, rocks, one Chivas rocks, soda, a Comfort Manhattan, hold the cherry, a white wine spritzer with a twist, one Old Bushmill Irish decaf, hold the sugar.
Diane: What makes you think I would ever work in a place like this?
Sam: It's simple, really. You can't go back to the professor for work. I need a waitress. You need a job. You like the people here. You think that they like you. And the phrase "magnificent pagan beast" has never left your mind.
Diane: Now, look, buster. I do need a job. And I'll find one. And you can bet that it won't be waiting tables.
Sam: What are you qualified to do?
Diane: Nothing. But somewhere, there is a job that I'm perfect for, that's perfect for me. I'll find it. And when I do, I'll know it.
Sam: Carla, what am I making?
Diane: Two vodka gimlets, one straight up, one blended, rocks, one Chivas rocks, soda, a Comfort Manhattan, hold the cherry, a white wine spritzer with a twist, one Old Bushmill Irish decaf, hold the sugar. [Diane looks shocked at herself]

Sam: Your first customers.
Diane: Wish me luck.
Sam: Luck.
Diane: Hello. Welcome to Cheers. My name is Diane. I will be serving you. Uh, why don't you sit down right over here? You know, I should tell you, parenthetically, that you are the first people that I have ever served. In fact, if anyone had told me a week ago that I would be doing this, I would have thought them insane. When Sam, over there, offered me the job, I laughed in his face. [chuckles] But then it occurred to me... [sits down at the table] Here I am, I'm a student. Not just in an academic sense, but a student of life. And where better than here to study life in all its many facets? People meet in bars, they part, they rejoice, they suffer. They come here to be with their own kind. What can I get you?
Swedish Man: Where is police? We have lost our luggage.