Sam: [answers phone] Cheers. Oh, well, hello, Sue. Uh, Irene, it's your daughter. Well, this is a surprise. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, I've been expecting this call for a long time. OK, commence begging. Sam, Sam Malone. Yeah, she's here. [to Irene] Uh, she wants to talk to you. [places phone down]
Diane: Sam, you seem to be working awfully hard to get a date with a woman who obviously wouldn't cross the street to spit in your hair.
Sam: Don't worry. Don't worry. She will when she gets to know me.

Carla: Well, Sam, that'll be five bucks for my mad dash out of the room. What was that all about?
Diane: Brian the Lion was my dearest childhood pal.
Carla: Oh then being a grimy bar rag should be a step up.

Coach: Sam, did you see the lady there in the green dress?
Sam: Yep.
Coach: I'm going to marry her.
Sam: You're going to marry her?
Coach: I'm going to marry her.
Sam: What's her name?
Coach: I don't know her name. That doesn't mean a thing. Sam, it's what we Italians call "the thunderbolt". I had the exact same thing happen to me when I first laid eyes on my Angela.
Cliff: Coach, don't you think you're jumping gun a little bit, here?
Coach: Cliffie, honest, I know what I know. Normie, do you think I should go over there and introduce myself?
Norm: Yeah, I think it's best, Coach. It eliminates that awkward first meeting at the altar.

Sam: Coach, I'm going to be blunt with you. Her friend's cute and all that, but she doesn't have what I'm looking for in a woman.
Diane: What's that, breakaway clothes?

Sam: Are you two ladies out on the town tonight?
Irene: No, actually, we just dropped by to rob the place.
Coach: Everybody do as they say and nobody will get hurt!
Sam: No, Coach, that was a joke.
Coach: Oh. Well, I really enjoy a sense of humor. I mean, with me it's an absolute must.
Irene: Is that a player piano over there? [Coach laughs]
Sam: Coach, that was not a joke.
Coach: Oh. Well, I like a serious side to someone, too.

Norm: Coach, isn't it your night off tonight?
Coach: Yeah, it's my night off. Irene's coming in and I'm taking her up to Melville's for dinner.
Cliff: Oh, whoa, better dig deep, Coach. It's pretty expensive up north there.
Coach: Oh, I've been saving for a couple of weeks, Cliff. This is a very special evening.
Diane: I think it's wonderful you two found each other. You radiate such bliss.
Coach: You know why, dear? It's because we've got so much in common. We both love music. We both love Italian food. She's a widow, I'm a widower. She's a hairdresser, I've got hair. And get this, Diane, neither of us have ever been to Utah.
Diane: Oh, scary!

Coach: The thing is, I don't quite know how to ask her, but anybody got any suggestions?
Carla: The only proposal I ever heard was Nick's.
Coach: Well, it worked, honey. I mean, what did he say?
Carla: "Hey, Carla, I knocked you up, and you know where I live, so I guess I have to."
Coach: Not bad.
Diane: Now moving on to the higher primates...
Carla: Hey, hey, hey.

Sam: Well, I guess this seems to be the time for the bartender to pour some champagne.
Coach: Oh, I'm sorry, Sam. What am I thinking?
Sam: No, no, Coach. I got it.
Diane: There have been many celebrations in this bar, but none as joyous and as inspiring as what we are experiencing here. Wasn't it Swinburne who first said... [phone rings]
All: I'll get it!

Norm: How long was I asleep?
Carla: Couple of hours. You dropped off during Cliff's Florida travelogue.
Sam: Yeah. Boy, you were the lucky one. Any subject you bring up, he uses as an opening.
Carla: Yeah, at least before he went to Florida he was boring on a wide range of topics.

Sam: Last call, everybody.
Carla: You gonna wake Norm?
Sam: That won't be necessary.
Norm: [watch beeps; Norm wakes up] One more and I'm a memory.
Sam: Coming right up.