Rebecca: Now you'll notice on the menu that we have a a wide selection of sandwiches and delectables, and, uh, many, many varieties of tea. So, what can I get you?
Frasier: Just some tea, please.
Rebecca: That's it? Just tea? Well, perhaps I could tempt you with some tiny little sandwiches or fresh biscuits? Scones?
Lilith: We're both watching our diets, so two pots of Orange Pekoe would be lovely.
Frasier: Hon, maybe we should split a pot.
Rebecca: Well, per- Perhaps one of my slightly more expensive herbal teas?
Frasier: Uh, no, thank you.
Rebecca: [scoffs] You guys cannot just have tea. Tea is a loss leader. I lose money just boiling the water. And, Lilith, look. [blows through lips] You are hardly fat. You are borderline anorexic. Just pig out! Order some strawberry tarts.
Lilith: Strawberries make me break out.
Rebecca: Well, at least that will put a little color in your face.
Lilith: Perhaps we won't have anything at all.
Rebecca: Fine! I don't really care. Get out! Thanks for coming. Tell all your friends.

Norm: What are you doing, Cliff?
Cliff: What? Well, I'm, uh, leaving a tip there for Carla.
Norm: Yeah?
Cliff: Yeah, one of the oldest bar tricks in the book there, Normie. Look, you see I filled the glass with water. I'm gonna invert it on top of this dollar bill. Put it on the bar, right? Looks... Looks, uh, empty now, doesn't it?
Norm: Mm-hmm.
Cliff: Well, watch what happens when she comes to get her tip. Fasten your seat belts and wait for the fun to begin.
Carla: Oh.
[Carla inverts the glass, takes the note and then throws the water in Cliff's face]
Carla: Thanks for the tip, Cliff.
Cliff: Uh, joke's still on her. She's the one that's got to mop up all this mess. [Carla wipes Cliff's face with the mop] Thank you, Carla. Your apology's accepted.

Cliff: Quick, Normie, turn on the Weather Channel.
Norm: You know, I wonder if that sentence has ever been spoken before.

Cliff: Oh, yeah, there she is.
Norm: Who?
Cliff: Weathergirl Dorothy, my favorite. Isn't she dreamy?
Norm: Cliff, everybody looks sort of dreamy when they have giant clouds floating behind them.
Cliff: No, no. Listen, listen. She's got the cutest little lateral lisp. Oh, I always get a giggle when she tries to pronounce [lisping] stratocumulus.
Norm: So you, uh you watch this a lot, do you? Huh?
Cliff: Oh, yeah, yeah. You get, uh, kind of a fatherly feeling about these, uh, weather anchors after a while. Yeah, well, besides, it's on all night.
Frasier: You're a very lonely man, aren't you, Cliff?
Cliff: Not as long as I got my Weather Channel.

Rebecca: Sam, it's my grand opening. I've been promoting all over town.
Sam: You make 500 bucks in one night, and-and that tearoom is yours. It's a bet.
Rebecca: Okay, it's a bet. [Sam chuckles] But I want you to know there's no losers here because I'm gonna share half the profit with you.
Sam: Oh ho! Ooh! Half the profits of a tearoom! Oh! Oh, boy, why didn't you say so before? Let's figure this out here. All right, let's see. We'll, uh, start with your profits. That'd be ooh! Wait, wait, wait. Now I get half of this. Let me. Hmm... Ooh, another ooh! Fellas, fellas, look. I get a great big zero, and I don't have to lift a finger! Oh, thank you, thank you. I can retire! Ooh!
Rebecca: God, he's a butthead.

Norm: Wait, wait, wait, Fras. You're not really gonna go in there and drink tea, are ya? Come on out here and sit at the bar, you know, with the guys. Have a beer.
Frasier: Yeah. Well, I guess I- I could. [Lilith clears her throat] No.
Cliff: I mean, you're- You're tellin' us you're just gonna go back there and sit with your wife and sip tea, huh?
Frasier: Yup, that's me. Whipped and proud of it.

Rebecca: Frasier, Lilith, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just desperate. I don't understand why nobody wants to come back into my beautiful tearoom.
Frasier: Well, Rebecca, a restaurant should be like a mistress. You see, one shouldn't feel that she's overeager to please. It's far more enticing if you need her more than she needs you.
Lilith: Who is this "she" you're talking about, Frasier?
Frasier: Purely hypothetical.
Lilith: Well, it's a little strange for a happily married man to go prattling on about a mistress.
Frasier: Oh, come on, hon, give me this one. You already heard me admit I was whipped in front of the boys.
Lilith: That was good.

Rebecca: You were right, Sam. Nobody's gonna come in here and have high tea and crumpets.
Sam: Oh, don't give up hope. [Cockney accent] Maybe a carriage will break down in front of the pub and everyone'll come in for a cup of tea. Have a cup of tea, please. Have a cup of tea.
Rebecca: God, I hate you!

Sam: Oh, man, I'm gonna lose my poolroom. I've gotta think of some way to stop her.
Carla: I agree with you, Sammy. Go for the jugular.
Sam: Oh, yeah, yeah. Whatta ya mean, like sabotage her?
Carla: No, go for her jugular. I mean, you can't sell chili when her throat's all ripped out. Well, she could, but who'd wanna buy it?

Carla: Hey, Cliff, you got somethin' in the mail.
Cliff: Huh?
Carla: That reminds me. Did I ever take you out back and kick the hell out of you for that postal increase?
Cliff: Uh-huh.
Carla: Good. Just goin' over my checklist.