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Chambers vs. Malone

‘Chambers vs. Malone’

Season 5, Episode 13 -  Aired January 8, 1987

After Diane insists that today is the day that Sam will finally propose to her again, the pair end up in the courtroom.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Never been better, Woody. You know, just once I'd like to be better.

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Quote from Woody

Frasier: Well, that's it. I think Miss Arkansas has got it hands down.
Cliff: In your hat, Miss Arkansas. Miss Nebraska's the class of this field.
Frasier: Oh, yeah, Miss Nebraska. I was particularly impressed by her life's ambition to work for world peace and open an aerobics dance studio.
Sam: Now, wait a minute. Look at this one here.
Norm: Ooh, yeah. Not that often you see an impression of Edward G. Robinson while twirling a baton.
Cliff: Hey, Woody, Miss Indiana.
Woody: Yeah, but Boston's my home now.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Well, guess I don't need this for a while. [removes neck brace and folds up telescopic walking cane] Sam, I'm sorry. I guess I got a little carried away. [sighs] I wanted to expose our relationship to the scrutiny of the court. God knows I've tried to figure it out. I'm at a complete loss.
Sam: Oh, it makes perfect sense to me. You want me to propose to you. I propose to you. You say no, I say fine, I never want to see you again. You drive me nuts telling me you want me to propose again. I do, you turn me down. Next thing I know, I'm in a court of law where I've got to propose to you or I'll go to jail. It's the classic American love story.
Diane: That's pretty absurd. Well, don't worry. I'm not going to hold you to that proposal. I know it was made under duress. [sighs] Bye, Sam.
Sam: Where are you going? You know, you're not going to get off that easy. No, you're going to pay for what you put me through.
Diane: What do you mean?
Sam: I proposed to you, you said yes. Now, they can stop me from killing you, but they can't stop me from marrying you.
Diane: Oh, Sam!

Quote from Woody

Diane: [humming] Oh, isn't it a glorious day?
Woody: Well, it sure is, Miss Chambers. Especially if you like it cloudy and damp.
Diane: Woody, I'm not talking about superficial things, like the weather. I'm talking about the day. Today is going to be the most special day of my life. Do you believe in intuition?
Woody: No. But I have this strange feeling that someday I will.

Quote from Sam

Judge: I like the idea. Does the State have any objections to his proposing?
Assistant D.A.: None, Your Honor.
Judge: How about it, Miss Chambers? This all right with you?
Diane: I suppose it would be all right if it were a sincere proposal.
Judge: Well, I guess it's your move, Mr. Malone.
Sam: You mean, I have to propose to her to keep from going to jail where I wouldn't be going in the first place if she'd said yes to any one of my three proposals?
Judge: That's a very ironic way of putting it. Now, which is it going to be, a wedding or a trial?
Sam: [ponders] How long would I have to be in jail? Diane, will you marry me?
Diane: That didn't sound very sincere. I ask the court, did that sound sincere?
Judge: No, it didn't. Try again.
Sam: Y- You, you have no idea what you're sentencing me to.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: What's the matter there, Normie? You look a little, uh, down in the mouth, huh?
Norm: I don't know, Cliff. There's something missing from my life, I think. I mean, sure, I got, you know, the nice wife, uh, career, a house, but I guess I'm talking about that spiritual something that can kind of give it all meaning, you know? Enable me to be at peace with myself and the world.
Cliff: Uh, The Miss Teeny Bikini Beauty Pageant's on tonight.
Norm: Well, that ought to do it.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Sammy, come on. It's late. It's time to go home. It's my turn to lock up. Besides, you look tired. You need your rest. And you might do something stupid that you'll regret for the rest of your life. Go on.
Sam: Would you relax, please? Do I look like a guy who's about to do something stupid?
Carla: Always. That's not the point, Sam.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Good night, Miss Chambers. And, uh, good luck.
Diane: Oh, thanks, Woody. But since Sam and I are destined to be married, luck is the one thing we don't need.
Woody: Oh. Well, how about a salad bowl?
Diane: Yes, that would be nice.
Woody: Great. You saved me some shopping.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Well, Sam, you clever boy. Since you've arranged for us to be alone, I'm all ears. But you better hurry. Almost midnight.
Sam: I wanted to talk to you alone 'cause I didn't want to embarrass you in in front of the other people. Sit down, will you, please? Look, Diane... I want you to stop this nonsense about me proposing to you. About us being married. About us getting... About us period. I've had it. That's it. I don't want to hear any more.
Diane: Yes, Sam, fine, fine, but you really should get at it, okay?
Sam: Would you stop it, please? Man, you're making me nuts! This is exactly what I'm talking about! You know, all right, it was fun for a while, like a little game, but it's not cute anymore. It's serious, Diane. You know, I- I was really ticked off at first when you turned me down. But now I see how smart you were. I am never gonna ask you to marry me again. Can I be any more clear than this? I'm never gonna ask you to marry me again. [Diane starts to cry] Oh, no, oh, no, no, come on, Oh, no, no! No, no, no, no, stop that! Listen, you know how much I hate it when you cry. But I know you know, so it's not gonna work. Forget it.
Diane: This really hadn't occurred to me... but I guess it's actually a possibility.
Sam: I'm not listening. Uh-uh. [humming]
Diane: Maybe you don't love me. [sobbing] God in heaven, it's not possible! [sobs]
Sam: [laughs] Nothing! That's it! It's not affecting me at all. I'm immune to this stuff. Yeah, you're not gonna soften me up. No way. That's it. You know, it's not gonna make me feel sorry for you. In fact, I'll tell you what it's gonna make me do. You want to know what it's gonna make me do? I'm gonna tell you what it's gonna make me do. It's gonna make me propose to you, is what it's gonna do. Oh, come on, don't... Don't cry. Oh, Diane, will you marry me?
Diane: No, Sam.

Quote from Sam

[fantasy:]
Priest: The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want. In verdant pastures, He gives me repose. Beside restful waters, He leads me. He refreshes my soul...
Sam: Oh, Warden, have you heard from the governor yet?
Warden: I'm sorry, Sam.
Sam: Oh, well.
Priest: He maketh me lie down in green pastures; He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul; He leadeth me in the paths of ri-
Sam: Father, do you really believe in the afterlife?
Priest: Yes, my son, I do.
Sam: Well, good. Maybe I can find her there, and get her again!

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