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‘Chambers vs. Malone’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Chambers vs. Malone

513. Chambers vs. Malone

Aired January 8, 1987

After Diane insists that today is the day that Sam will finally propose to her again, the pair end up in the courtroom.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Never been better, Woody. You know, just once I'd like to be better.

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Quote from Woody

Frasier: Well, that's it. I think Miss Arkansas has got it hands down.
Cliff: In your hat, Miss Arkansas. Miss Nebraska's the class of this field.
Frasier: Oh, yeah, Miss Nebraska. I was particularly impressed by her life's ambition to work for world peace and open an aerobics dance studio.
Sam: Now, wait a minute. Look at this one here.
Norm: Ooh, yeah. Not that often you see an impression of Edward G. Robinson while twirling a baton.
Cliff: Hey, Woody, Miss Indiana.
Woody: Yeah, but Boston's my home now.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Well, guess I don't need this for a while. [removes neck brace and folds up telescopic walking cane] Sam, I'm sorry. I guess I got a little carried away. [sighs] I wanted to expose our relationship to the scrutiny of the court. God knows I've tried to figure it out. I'm at a complete loss.
Sam: Oh, it makes perfect sense to me. You want me to propose to you. I propose to you. You say no, I say fine, I never want to see you again. You drive me nuts telling me you want me to propose again. I do, you turn me down. Next thing I know, I'm in a court of law where I've got to propose to you or I'll go to jail. It's the classic American love story.
Diane: That's pretty absurd. Well, don't worry. I'm not going to hold you to that proposal. I know it was made under duress. [sighs] Bye, Sam.
Sam: Where are you going? You know, you're not going to get off that easy. No, you're going to pay for what you put me through.
Diane: What do you mean?
Sam: I proposed to you, you said yes. Now, they can stop me from killing you, but they can't stop me from marrying you.
Diane: Oh, Sam!

Quote from Woody

Diane: [humming] Oh, isn't it a glorious day?
Woody: Well, it sure is, Miss Chambers. Especially if you like it cloudy and damp.
Diane: Woody, I'm not talking about superficial things, like the weather. I'm talking about the day. Today is going to be the most special day of my life. Do you believe in intuition?
Woody: No. But I have this strange feeling that someday I will.

Quote from Sam

Judge: I like the idea. Does the State have any objections to his proposing?
Assistant D.A.: None, Your Honor.
Judge: How about it, Miss Chambers? This all right with you?
Diane: I suppose it would be all right if it were a sincere proposal.
Judge: Well, I guess it's your move, Mr. Malone.
Sam: You mean, I have to propose to her to keep from going to jail where I wouldn't be going in the first place if she'd said yes to any one of my three proposals?
Judge: That's a very ironic way of putting it. Now, which is it going to be, a wedding or a trial?
Sam: [ponders] How long would I have to be in jail? Diane, will you marry me?
Diane: That didn't sound very sincere. I ask the court, did that sound sincere?
Judge: No, it didn't. Try again.
Sam: Y- You, you have no idea what you're sentencing me to.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: What's the matter there, Normie? You look a little, uh, down in the mouth, huh?
Norm: I don't know, Cliff. There's something missing from my life, I think. I mean, sure, I got, you know, the nice wife, uh, career, a house, but I guess I'm talking about that spiritual something that can kind of give it all meaning, you know? Enable me to be at peace with myself and the world.
Cliff: Uh, The Miss Teeny Bikini Beauty Pageant's on tonight.
Norm: Well, that ought to do it.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Did you hear that? Diane said she woke up with this feeling that I'm gonna propose to her. The stupidest thing I've ever heard. [loud clank]
Carla: Don't ever make fun of a woman when she says she has a feeling about something. Sammy, you're tampering with the psychic world here, and you're gonna be sorry.
Sam: Oh, come on.
Carla: No, no, no, I'm serious. It has to do with a woman's cycle. See, somehow it's plugged into the supernatural.
Sam: Oh, you're being ridiculous.
Carla: No, no, Sammy, please. Come here. Please.
Sam: What?
Carla: Just promise me you'll be careful.
Sam: Okay, I'll be careful.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Sammy, come on. It's late. It's time to go home. It's my turn to lock up. Besides, you look tired. You need your rest. And you might do something stupid that you'll regret for the rest of your life. Go on.
Sam: Would you relax, please? Do I look like a guy who's about to do something stupid?
Carla: Always. That's not the point, Sam.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Good night, Miss Chambers. And, uh, good luck.
Diane: Oh, thanks, Woody. But since Sam and I are destined to be married, luck is the one thing we don't need.
Woody: Oh. Well, how about a salad bowl?
Diane: Yes, that would be nice.
Woody: Great. You saved me some shopping.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Well, Sam, you clever boy. Since you've arranged for us to be alone, I'm all ears. But you better hurry. Almost midnight.
Sam: I wanted to talk to you alone 'cause I didn't want to embarrass you in in front of the other people. Sit down, will you, please? Look, Diane... I want you to stop this nonsense about me proposing to you. About us being married. About us getting... About us period. I've had it. That's it. I don't want to hear any more.
Diane: Yes, Sam, fine, fine, but you really should get at it, okay?
Sam: Would you stop it, please? Man, you're making me nuts! This is exactly what I'm talking about! You know, all right, it was fun for a while, like a little game, but it's not cute anymore. It's serious, Diane. You know, I- I was really ticked off at first when you turned me down. But now I see how smart you were. I am never gonna ask you to marry me again. Can I be any more clear than this? I'm never gonna ask you to marry me again. [Diane starts to cry] Oh, no, oh, no, no, come on, Oh, no, no! No, no, no, no, stop that! Listen, you know how much I hate it when you cry. But I know you know, so it's not gonna work. Forget it.
Diane: This really hadn't occurred to me... but I guess it's actually a possibility.
Sam: I'm not listening. Uh-uh. [humming]
Diane: Maybe you don't love me. [sobbing] God in heaven, it's not possible! [sobs]
Sam: [laughs] Nothing! That's it! It's not affecting me at all. I'm immune to this stuff. Yeah, you're not gonna soften me up. No way. That's it. You know, it's not gonna make me feel sorry for you. In fact, I'll tell you what it's gonna make me do. You want to know what it's gonna make me do? I'm gonna tell you what it's gonna make me do. It's gonna make me propose to you, is what it's gonna do. Oh, come on, don't... Don't cry. Oh, Diane, will you marry me?
Diane: No, Sam.

Quote from Sam

[fantasy:]
Priest: The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want. In verdant pastures, He gives me repose. Beside restful waters, He leads me. He refreshes my soul...
Sam: Oh, Warden, have you heard from the governor yet?
Warden: I'm sorry, Sam.
Sam: Oh, well.
Priest: He maketh me lie down in green pastures; He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul; He leadeth me in the paths of ri-
Sam: Father, do you really believe in the afterlife?
Priest: Yes, my son, I do.
Sam: Well, good. Maybe I can find her there, and get her again!

Quote from Sam

Diane: What's wrong?
Sam: Mmm. Oh I just had a flash that I got the electric chair for killing you.
Diane: Well, that's silly. Massachusetts doesn't have the death penalty.
Sam: What?
Diane: Uh... Nothing. Nothing at all.
Sam: No death penalty, huh?
Diane: No, not at present, but I'm- l'm sure they're going to reinstate it. In fact, I'm on my way to campaign for it at this very moment. Excuse me. [Sam chases after Diane]

Quote from Cliff

Frasier: Has he been arraigned yet?
Tom: No, 2:00.
Carla: Well, maybe we ought to go down to the courthouse in case Sammy needs character witnesses.
Tom: No, they don't do that until the trial, Carla.
Norm: Well, what sort of defense you plan on using?
Tom: I'm thinking about pleading insanity.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea. What about Sammy?

Quote from Diane

Diane: Your Honor, l, I just want you to know that I understand why the accused-- and, by the way, the man I intend to marry-- was, uh, was upset last night. After all, I did just turn down his proposal of marriage.
Judge: I see. But if you intend to marry him, why did you say no to his proposal?
Diane: It's a long story.
Judge: Make it a short one, and maybe we can save the good people of Massachusetts the cost of a trial.
Diane: Well, let's see. Um, the accused and I have been going together on and off for about four years. I guess you could describe our relationship as a bit stormy, but that's also part of its excitement. Earlier this year, the accused proposed to me. I said no because I thought he was on the rebound from another relationship. I was wrong, so I changed my mind. But he wouldn't propose to me again, the little dickens. Until last night, that is, but this time I fear he was only asking me to marry him because I was crying and upset albeit unintentional. It was emotional blackmail on my part. I couldn't say yes under those circumstances. You do understand, don't you, Your Honor?
Judge: I'm sorry, I was just trying to imagine the long version of the story.
Diane: Although gallant, his proposal couldn't have been sincere. The accused was merely respons-
Sam: Hey, will you say my na- Sam, my name is Sam. Make her say my name, will you please?
Judge: Calm down, Mr. Malone. Go on, Miss Chambers.
Diane: Well, the next thing I know, the acc- Sam is chasing me down the street-- for six blocks, to be exact-- until I tripped and fell thus sustaining my injuries, a bruised thigh and a wrenched neck.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Hey, fellas, do me a favor. You guys have had a few drinks. Sit down. Let me buy you some coffee.
Hugh: Aw, th-thanks anyway, Sam, but everything's under control. Pete hasn't had a thing to drink all night. He's our designated driver.
Sam: Oh, I'm glad to hear it. That's a good idea, Pete.
Pete: I'm not the designated driver. I thought you were.
Hugh: No, no, l- l'm not the designated driver. What about you, Mark?
Mark: I'm with Sam. I think we ought to try it sometime.
Sam: Wait right here. I'm gonna call you a cab.
Carla: Speaking of driving someone home, since you've been drinking, I'd be happy to give you a lift.
Man: Oh, thanks, but, uh, all I've been drinking is soda water.
Carla: Oh. Well, in that case, Woody, make me a double martini. One of us is getting driven home tonight.

Quote from Sam

Sam: What's the matter? You got a weird look on your face.
Diane: I don't know if I should tell you.
Sam: Well, let me help you out. Don't.
Diane: Well, Sam, this morning I woke up with the most overwhelming feeling that you would propose to me today.
Sam: Whew. Talk about fate. Talk about coincidence.
Diane: You have the same feeling?
Sam: No, I just wish you'd talk about fate or coincidence. Anything but marriage. Look, I am not gonna propose to you, Diane.
Diane: I know this sounds crazy. It's not like me to be given to mystical nonsense, but the feeling is so strong. It's an absolute certainty.
Sam: Well, if it's fate, it's fate. Diane, will you do me the honor of becoming my w-w-waitress? [laughs] Pretty good, huh?

Quote from Sam

Sam: Oh, oh, oh, my God!
Carla: What?
Sam: Ooh!
Carla: What?
Sam: Something's happened to me here.
Carla: What?
Sam: Carla, get Diane over here. I'm gonna ask her to marry me... buddy Norm! [laughs] That's twice, man.

Quote from Cliff

Tom: The results of the last bar exam are due out, and I'm feeling lucky.
Cliff: Hey, you know what they say, eleventh time's the charm.
Tom: Okay, okay, okay, I had a few problems in the past. But this time, I really nailed it.
Cliff: Tell me, Tom, is the 7-Eleven still giving out a free Big Gulp with every, uh, law degree?
Norm: Hey, Tom, how come you're not downtown waiting for the old results, huh?
Tom: I got a friend calling me here when they're posted. But I got a hunch I did pretty well this time.
Cliff: Yeah, like General Custer had a hunch that the Little Big Horn was a gift shop and picnic grounds, huh?
Norm: Hey, hey, lay off. The guy's worked hard. Woody, how about a beer for our future barrister here?
Tom: Okay? Thank you, Norm.
Norm: All right. So what, uh, what kind of law are you gonna specialize in there, Tom?
Tom: Specialize?
Norm: So a free Big Gulp, you say, huh?

Quote from Diane

Diane: Sam, it doesn't have to be a formal proposal.
Sam: Excuse me?
Diane: Well, we've already gone the traditional route, and I know how you loathe long sentences.
Sam: I know you think I'm gonna propose to you. But, trust me, it's not gonna happen. Before I ask you to marry me, Diane, there'll be snowflakes in hell, pigs will fly, Norm will hate beer...
Tom: Hey, everybody, I'm an attorney!
Sam: Nah.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Anytime you're ready, Sam.
Sam: Gee, I'd love to propose to you, Diane, but I'm tied up kind of for the rest of my life.
Diane: Deep down inside, you know this is going to happen. You're going to propose to me.
Sam: You say that every day.
Diane: But I don't say this every day. It's today.
Carla: That is one scary woman.

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