Frasier: Well, good morning, Sam.
Sam: Yeah? What's good about it?
Frasier: Well, you have your health, a good business, and friends who put up with your violent mood swings.

Sam: Yeah. It's just I got some bad news. You guys all remember the Miss Boston Barmaid contest?
Cliff: Oh, yeah.
Carla: That's the annual contest where they try to find the most talented and efficient waitress in Boston, which - surprise, surprise - always turns out to be the babe with the biggest honeydews.

Sam: The whole contest has gone to hell. I mean, believe me, l... I really presented my case to the contest committee. See, I made a graph here. Look at this. Now, these the bust measurements of all the winners since 1976, and almost to a woman, they're over a 38.
Woody: What's this one that dips way down here?
Sam: Uh, that's the year Diane won. It's no good. It's just no good at all. I think I'm gonna write my councilman. Oh, what am I talking about?! My councilman's a babe, too! God, the whole world's crowding in on me!

Woody: Carla, you gonna try out for this contest?
Carla: I don't think so.
Woody: Well, you heard Sam. It's not about looks this year.
Carla: Thank you, Woody.
Paul: You should do it, Carla.
Carla: Look, I know I'm a good waitress. I don't need some obnoxious dork in a cheap suit telling me I'm the best.
Frasier: But you are the best.
Carla: I just said I didn't need that.

Carla: Besides, even if I did win, what would I get? A lousy ten bucks and a handshake?
Norm: Well, it says here you get a brand new Mazda Miata.
Carla: Get out of town. Just for doing my job?
Norm: Mm-hmm.
Carla: Oh, I'm gonna get myself this Miata.
Norm: All right.
Carla: Yeah.
Norm: Uh! Uh-oh. Snag. What about warmth, personal courtesy?
Carla: What about me shoving this brochure up your nose?
Norm: You're a shoo-in.

Carla: Hey, Doc, how do you think I look for the contest?
Frasier: Well, my goodness, Carla, that is a jaunty bow!
Carla: Yeah.
Frasier: Where did you get it?
Carla: Well the first job I ever had was, uh, at this greasy spoon when I was 15. There was this old waitress there, named Cora. She taught me everything I know about waiting tables. Anyway, on, uh, her last day, the day they were carting her off to the nursing home, she gave me this bow. She told me to wear it with pride because being a waitress is a wonderful thing.
Frasier: Carla, that's quite a story.
Carla: Now, if the judges are as sappy as you, I get me a new car! [laughs]

Sam: Honey, I just want you to know that I've got some moral problems with this contest. It's not gonna get in the way of me hoping you win.
Carla: Yeah. Well, thanks, Sam.
Sam: Yeah.
Carla: Now, would you give me my button over there?
Sam: Oh. Here. "My name's Carla and I love your smile." [chuckles] Here. Boy, you're really prepared to go all the way for this.
Carla: Yeah. I got a button that says that, too. Think I should wear it?
Sam: No, no. I'd stick with the smile thing.

Woody: Carla, this must've fallen out of your folder. It says "List of Judges."
Carla: Are you kidding? That's supposed to be top secret. Oh, my God. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm gonna know who they are. Now all I have to do is kiss up to the squids on that list and I'll be driving home in a nice, new convertible.
Norm: All right.
Carla: Who are they, Woody?
Woody: David Murphy, Cliff Clavin and Frank Smith.
[Carla yells and breaks her tray over her own head]
Woody: Now, who is Frank Smith, and why is Carla so mad at him?

Carla: And now, on top of everything else, I've got this huge headache outta nowhere. They picked Clavin to be a judge. What could they have been thinking of?
Sam: Aw, they probably want someone, you know, with lot of bar experience, and he has been hanging around here a lot, you know.
Carla: Yeah, well, so's Norm. Why didn't they pick you, Norm?
Norm: Well, maybe they did. I haven't opened my mail in a while. Once my Unemployment ran out, all the incentive was gone.

Sam: No doubt about it, these things were a lot easier on all of us when they were just bimbo contests. You know, if this... This is the new age of enlightenment, why... Why does it hurt so many people?