Cliff: All right, I got it, I got it. The worst possible way to die?
Norm: Mm-hmm.
Cliff: Being eaten alive by rats.
Norm: No. I think I can do better than that. I'd say the worst way to die is to be sliding down a razor banister, okay? A greased razor banister.
Frasier: Wait, I've got it. To die alone, knowing that you have never been loved.
Norm: Come on, Frasier, if you're not even gonna try...

Frasier: It's dear to see Carla so concerned about her mate. Do you remember when you gave that lecture in New York, and in a fit of whimsy, I flew in to surprise you?
Lilith: It was hardly a surprise; we booked those reservations three weeks in advance.
Frasier: So you were in on it, still it was a wacky thing to do.

Sam: Let's see, the winner is... Uh-oh. Woody. What a shame. I know how he feels about taking any of his friends' money here.
Tim: You think you can talk him into it?
Sam: [chuckles] Yeah, I'll give it a try here. Hey, Woodrow, you won the first pot.
Woody: How much did I win?
Sam: $125.
Woody: Yes! Come to Papa! Suckers! Aah! [sings] I'm in the money, I'm in the money!
Cliff: Maybe, uh, we could force him to take it.
Sam: Here, Woody, listen to me for a minute. I don't want to, like, you know, put down your good time here. Whoa, listen to me. Listen to me. It's kind of a tradition amongst gamblers, especially gamblers who want to stay alive, that you don't, you know, dance and wave money around in front of people you just won it from.
Woody: Can I sing?
Sam: No, you can't sing.
Woody: Well, I guess it'd be out of line to chant, "In your face, in your face"?

Frasier: Oh, Norm?
Norm: Ah. My clients. Guys, I've, uh, devised a color scheme for the nursery, but I have to warn you, it's a bit drab.
Frasier: Oh, good. I will not have our child emotionally attached to cartoon mice and teddy bears. No. Our child will receive affection from parental embraces, administered at generously scheduled intervals.
Norm: And I'll be he comes back one day to thank you for that. Probably while you're sleeping, you won't feel a thing.

Carla: Oh, man, this is gonna be good.
Sam: Laundry? He sends you his laundry?
Carla: Yeah, once a month, but this has got to be some kind of joke. I mean, he wouldn't send it on our anniversary. There's got to be a present packed in here. Right? Oh, that Eddie what a guy. Packing a present in some laundry. It's got to be in here somewhere. I guess I was wrong. What are you all looking at? [they all turn their gaze] What are you avoiding looking at? I know what you guys think. You think he forgot. You think my marriage is in big trouble and Eddie's turning into my typical creep husband. Well, it's not true, so just go back to your stupid lives. Norm, order a beer. Clavin, bore us. Oh, Woody, why don't you tell us about how another one of your relatives lost a body part in some farm equipment?
Woody: I ever tell you about my Aunt Lefty?
Carla: Shut up. Just go on back to your sad, pathetic lives. Me, I'm going home. I'm going to go sit in a dark room and have some fun. [phone ringing] Putting on a Gene Pitney record and I'm gonna slice Eddie's face out of every picture in the house.

Carla: The women in my family, for generations, have had absolutely no talents or gifts but one. We can make up any curse and make it stick, okay? Now, tell me the truth, or my curse on you is gonna be... Let me think of a good one here.
Sam: No, not the hair; anything but the hair.
Carla: Okay, okay. Your eyes... Oh, no, wait a minute. I got it. Your tongue is gonna swell up so big, you're going to have to buy a seat on the plane for it.
Sam: Carla, this is ridiculous.
Carla: Sammy, you know I can do it. Now, look into my eyes and tell me the truth. Did you call Eddie and remind him about our anniversary?
Sam: No, Carla, I didn't.
Carla: Okay. But you and your tongue better be telling the truth. [exits]
Sam: Family curse. [slurring] How gullible does thee think I am? Oh, no. No, oh Carla! Carla!
Carla: [o.s.] What?
Sam: Nothing.

Carla: Woody, what time is it?
Woody: Oh, don't go by my watch. I always set it ten minutes ahead so I won't be late for things.
Carla: You were late this morning.
Woody: Yeah, I know. I couldn't find my watch.

Norm: Ooh, Carla, what are you all decked out for?
Carla: It's my second wedding anniversary.
Norm: Oh. Things are going okay with you and Eddie? I mean, just last week, you were calling him a "dent-nosed, toothless little frog."
Carla: Pillow talk.

Sam: Woody, how about you?
Woody: Oh, I don't know, Sam, I don't like playing games for money. You end up either losing money or taking it from your friends.
Sam: No, no, Woody, this is just a game, man. You know, five bucks a square. You got four quarters, four chances to win.
Woody: I don't know, I don't like taking money from my friends.
Cliff: Aw, go ahead, Woody. Nobody here gives a hoot about you anyway.
Woody: Okay, great.

Carla: Hey, guys, get a load of that guy over there with the fake beard and the dark glasses. Does that look like somebody I'm married to in a special anniversary disguise? Well, two can play at the surprise game. Your beard might be phony, but I know something about you that's real. [squeezes the mans' butt] Wait a minute. You're not Eddie. But you're not bad.