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‘Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back

710. Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back

Aired January 12, 1989

When Cheers goes up against Gary's Olde Towne Tavern in a Bloody Mary contest, Woody goes undercover at their archrival.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson. There's a cold one waiting for you.
Norm: I know. And if she calls, I'm not here.

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Quote from Carla

Carla: Woody, you just you don't know what you're getting yourself into. I mean, those guys at Gary's are vicious. They could strip you naked, paint you red and put you on a subway.
Woody: They wouldn't do that.
Carla: They did it to me. But I got the best of 'em.
Norm: How's that?
Carla: I loved it.

Quote from Lilith

Woody: Oh, hi, Dr. Sternin. Dr. Crane isn't here.
Lilith: I know. He's at home, and that's why I'm not.
Carla: Whoa-ho! Trouble in Casa de Wacko?
Lilith: Not really. Scotch, Woody. I'm just not looking forward to going home. Frasier's giving me every indication that he expects me to indulge in another one of his silly little fantasies tonight, but it's really rather personal.
Carla: I know just what you mean. Husbands can drive you nuts about stuff like that. Take my Eddie. He borrowed this fairy princess costume from the ice show. Really. Every Friday night, I have to dress up and put a magic sex spell on him.
Lilith: Well, as long as we're sharing, here's what I have waiting for me. Every so often, Frasier likes to regress to his childhood. First, he insists on calling me Mommy. I fix him cinnamon toast and strawberry milk. Then it's bath time - one of my favorites - followed by my tucking him into bed and singing "All the Pretty Little Horses." After that, we make love until the windows rattle.
Carla: Men! They're really something, aren't they? Oh, by the way, about all that fairy princess stuff? I was just kidding.
Lilith: Ah, so was l.
Carla: Oh, right, Mommy. Hey, guys, get a load of this!
Lilith: Oh! Carla! Carla!

Quote from Cliff

Rebecca: Now I'm going to take it down to the company pharmaceutical division and have it analyzed to find out Gary's secret ingredient.
Cliff: No, no. No need to do that, Rebecca. Sammy, pour me a shot of that concoction. I'll tell you exactly what's in it.
Sam: Oh, man, I don't know.
Cliff: No, no, no. I've got very sensitive taste buds. As a matter of fact, in medieval times, Clavins were the royal tasters.
Carla: I heard they were royal something.
Cliff: [drinks] Well, I don't know what's in it, but Gary makes the best Bloody Mary I've ever tasted.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: Cliffie, you got the time, pal?
Cliff: Right, time check. 22:00 Zulu. Agent Hoosier is overdue. Abort Operation Red Dawn.
Norm: Cliff, what in God's name are you talking about?
Cliff: Spy lingo, Norm. Woody's not back from Gary's yet. It's time to mobilize our forces. Let's go. I'm just the man for it. Actually, I considered a career as a spy when I was young, but in the end, I decided not to go into intelligence.
Carla: That seems only fair. None of it went into you.

Quote from Woody

Carla: That's it, Cornmeal. You blew it.
Woody: I'm telling you, I was doing fine. I borrowed this great costume from my theater group. I really looked like a nun. I went in there...
Sam: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You dressed up as a nun and went into a bar?
Woody: Well, it was either that or one of the von Trapp children.

Quote from Woody

Gary: [chuckles] Well, look who's back. Sister Mary Woody. [laughter]
Woody: I'm looking for a job.
Gary: Oh, right. I heard you quit Cheers.
Woody: I'm never going back into Cheers again. Well, except to get my last check and, uh, the only key to my apartment.
Gary: So where'd you stay last night?
Woody: Well, I just walked around. Down to the Commons, over to the river, across the river to Cambridge, back over the river, took a right at the Prudential building, stopped at a newsstand, thought about buying a paper, didn't...
Gary: Okay, okay, okay. I get it.

Quote from Woody

Sam: Oh, that stunt tears it. Now I'm mad.
Woody: Yeah, I can tell.
Sam: How? That little vein bulging in my forehead?
Woody: No.
Sam: My nostrils flaring?
Woody: No.
Sam: My jaw is clenched?
Woody: No.
Sam: Well, then, how can you tell?
Woody: You just said, "Now I'm mad."
Sam: Yeah, well, now I'm really mad.
Woody: Yeah, I can tell.
Sam: How?

Quote from Sam

Sam: What the hey? That's Gary on the TV.
[on TV:]
Gary: We hid a secret camera in a competitor's establishment. Let's hear what they have to say about Gary's Bloody Marys.
Cliff: Boy, I don't know what's in that, but Gary makes the best Bloody Mary I've ever tasted.
Gary: Really?
Carla: Gary deserves to win this contest every year.
Gary: Thank you very much. And you'd be surprised what some people would do to get a hold of my Bloody Mary mix.
Norm: Hey, I'd dress up like a hooker to get some of this stuff.
Gary: But you can get a pretty good Bloody Mary just about anywhere in town. Isn't that right?
Sam: Cheers never made a Bloody Mary this good.
Gary: If you say so, Sam Malone of Cheers.
[in the bar:]
Man: Anybody know the way to Gary's?
Frasier: I'll give you a lift.

Quote from Woody

Sam: Hey, guys, guys, guys. What's the big rush here? Give him a chance. He's only about five minutes late.
Norm: Actually, I think we might be underestimating Woody. You know, something tells me he might actually pull this thing off.
[Carla notices Woody hanging upside down in front of the door]
Carla: Hey! Hey!
Norm: Wait, there's a note. What's it say? [Woody moaning] "Compliments of Gary's. We deliver."
Woody: [muffled speaking]
Sam: What? What are you trying to say?
Norm: He's trying to say something.
Sam: What are you?
Woody: Don't rip off the tape! [screams]

Quote from Woody

Frasier: Well, now just a minute. That's Woody? My God. This is amazing makeup. This is just incredible. This was part of some elaborate ruse, huh?
Woody: Yeah, we set the whole thing up.
Sam: Yeah, that way we can get Gary out of here before the real contest starts.
Frasier: And when you made such a fool of yourself pretending to be a nun?
Woody: That was part of the plan.
Frasier: When you went to work for Gary?
Woody: Part of the plan.
Frasier: When you told Gary the time of the contest had changed?
Woody: All part of the plan.
Gary: [enters] Hey, guys I'm ready for the real contest.
Woody: Not part of the plan.

Quote from Carla

Rebecca: Carla, how long have you had this planned?
Carla: Since about a minute after we lost last year's contest.
Norm: This is unbelievable.
Carla: What?! That I could come up with a great plan?
Norm: No, that you'd pay this guy money out of your own pocket.
Carla: Get real. I lifted Gary's wallet when he was leaving the bar.
Sam: Thank God you are on our side.

Quote from Cliff

Sam: Hey, hey. Whoa, whoa. Would you guys stop horsing around here? I'm serious. I want this guy Gary, and I want him bad. I am tired of having him do everything better than we do. He's got a better softball team, a better tag football team.
Cliff: Better T-shirts.
Sam: They have T-shirts?
Cliff: Here. I'll show you. [unbuttons his shirt]
Norm: Oh, yeah. I've got that one in red.
Alan: Ooh! They have them in red now?
Cliff: But you got to preorder. They're 100% cotton. All the sizes are very true.
Alan: I'll order one this afternoon.
Sam: Listen, you guys are not taking me seriously. I mean it. I want to hurt this guy where he lives.
Cliff: Speaking of that, have you seen his house? He's renovating this beautiful old Victorian. It's on the cover of Boston magazine.
Alan: I saw that.
Norm: I hear he's coming out with a new T-shirt of it, too.

Quote from Woody

Carla: Anyway, I got it. You are looking at the last ounce of black cardamom on the Eastern seaboard.
Norm: Ooh. Nice. Sammy, let's see that stuff, huh?
Alan: Sammy, you really think that stuff is going help us win the contest?
Sam: Are you kidding me? Wait until you see what this does to the taste of a Bloody Mary. Whoo, boy! This is pretty pungent stuff, huh?
[As Woody brings an empty glass back to the bar, he sneezes as he stands over the black cardamom, spending a plume of it everywhere.]
Woody: Oh, my God! My allergy. Did someone bring some black cardamom in here?
Carla: Woody! It's all gone!
Sam: Great. There goes the contest.
Woody: Well, big deal. In about 20 minutes, I'm going to swell up like a blowfish.
Carla: Well, what what are we supposed to do now?
Woody: Usually, I pack my face in ice.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: Sam, guess what I've got under my coat.
Sam: If I guess right, can I keep them?
Rebecca: No, you idiot. I've got some of Gary's top secret Bloody Mary mix.
Sam: Hey, way to go, Rebecca! Baby, how did you get it?
Rebecca: How do you think I got it? [twirls]
Carla: You did that dorky twirl, and, when he laughed, you grabbed it and ran.
Rebecca: Okay, fine. Forget it. I'm not going to tell you.
Sam: Oh, come on. We won't make fun of you.
Rebecca: All right. That thing Carla said.

Quote from Woody

Rebecca: Hey, hey, you guys, don't drink it all. I have to take some to the lab.
Carla: This is great. Gary deserves to win this contest every year.
Rebecca: It's almost worth cramming myself into this dress.
Norm: Hey, I'd dress up as a hooker to get some of this stuff.
Sam: Oh, come on, you guys. It can't be that special. I suppose you're going to tell me that Cheers has never made a Bloody Mary this good.
Cliff: Sammy, Cheers never made anything this good. I wonder what's in it.
[As Woody goes to drink the Bloody Mary, he sneezes and drops the glass]
Woody: Well, we know there's black cardamom in it.
Rebecca: Damn it, Woody!

Quote from Cliff

Gary: Ah! Cheers where good times go to die.
Cliff: Well, well, well! If it isn't Gary from Gary's Olde Towne Tavern. Look, pal, didn't I tell you if you step one more foot in here you'd have me to answer to?
Gary: Yeah, and I told you if you got in my way you'd wind up in the next zip code.
Cliff: Then we have had this discussion, huh?

Quote from Norm

Gary: Okay, okay, I'm going back to the Olde Towne Tavern, where my exclusive satellite coverage of the World Welterweight title fight is about to get underway.
[A flood of patrons rushes for the door]
Sam: Hey. Hey, wait. Hey, come on.
Carla: Where the hell do you think you're going?
Cliff: Uh... just taking a little stroll.
[Norm and Cliff do a loop around the bar and return to their stools]
Norm: Ah! That was refreshing, wasn't it?

Quote from Frasier

Norm: Hey, Doc. What's going on?
Frasier: Well, for one thing, I find myself baching it again.
Carla: Lilith finally blow her brains out?
Frasier: No. But thank you for asking after her, Carla.
Cliff: So where is the lovely Dr. Sternin?
Frasier: Well, she's in Albany for a few days attending a conference on gender stereotyping.
Tim: Gender stereotyping?
Frasier: Yes. It's unfairly attributing certain modes of behavior exclusively to one sex.
Norm: That sounds kind of boring. Why did she go to that?
Frasier: Who knows? You know women.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Wait a minute, Woody, come here, come here. Woody, Woody, Woody, I've got a plan. Listen up.
Rebecca: Shh! Gary had a camera in here the other day. He could have a spy in here now. And the whole place could be bugged. Come on, you guys.
Sam: Whoa, whoa. Don't take off in a clump like that. It'll look suspicious. Everybody split up. We'll hook up outside.
[Sam, Carla, Woody, Rebecca, Norm and Cliff head off in different directions around the bar. After a moment's pause, they all start to head for the door.]
Sam: No, no, no! You're clumping up again. Spread out.
[As Sam heads out of the door, everybody else turns back into the bar. After being outside for a moment, Sam taps on the door to get their attention. The group again moves as one.]
Sam: No, you're clumping up again.

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