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Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back

‘Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back’

Season 7, Episode 10 -  Aired January 12, 1989

When Cheers goes up against Gary's Olde Towne Tavern in a Bloody Mary contest, Woody goes undercover at their archrival.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson. There's a cold one waiting for you.
Norm: I know. And if she calls, I'm not here.


Quote from Carla

Carla: Woody, you just you don't know what you're getting yourself into. I mean, those guys at Gary's are vicious. They could strip you naked, paint you red and put you on a subway.
Woody: They wouldn't do that.
Carla: They did it to me. But I got the best of 'em.
Norm: How's that?
Carla: I loved it.

Quote from Lilith

Woody: Oh, hi, Dr. Sternin. Dr. Crane isn't here.
Lilith: I know. He's at home, and that's why I'm not.
Carla: Whoa-ho! Trouble in Casa de Wacko?
Lilith: Not really. Scotch, Woody. I'm just not looking forward to going home. Frasier's giving me every indication that he expects me to indulge in another one of his silly little fantasies tonight, but it's really rather personal.
Carla: I know just what you mean. Husbands can drive you nuts about stuff like that. Take my Eddie. He borrowed this fairy princess costume from the ice show. Really. Every Friday night, I have to dress up and put a magic sex spell on him.
Lilith: Well, as long as we're sharing, here's what I have waiting for me. Every so often, Frasier likes to regress to his childhood. First, he insists on calling me Mommy. I fix him cinnamon toast and strawberry milk. Then it's bath time - one of my favorites - followed by my tucking him into bed and singing "All the Pretty Little Horses." After that, we make love until the windows rattle.
Carla: Men! They're really something, aren't they? Oh, by the way, about all that fairy princess stuff? I was just kidding.
Lilith: Ah, so was l.
Carla: Oh, right, Mommy. Hey, guys, get a load of this!
Lilith: Oh! Carla! Carla!

Quote from Cliff

Rebecca: Now I'm going to take it down to the company pharmaceutical division and have it analyzed to find out Gary's secret ingredient.
Cliff: No, no. No need to do that, Rebecca. Sammy, pour me a shot of that concoction. I'll tell you exactly what's in it.
Sam: Oh, man, I don't know.
Cliff: No, no, no. I've got very sensitive taste buds. As a matter of fact, in medieval times, Clavins were the royal tasters.
Carla: I heard they were royal something.
Cliff: [drinks] Well, I don't know what's in it, but Gary makes the best Bloody Mary I've ever tasted.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: Cliffie, you got the time, pal?
Cliff: Right, time check. 22:00 Zulu. Agent Hoosier is overdue. Abort Operation Red Dawn.
Norm: Cliff, what in God's name are you talking about?
Cliff: Spy lingo, Norm. Woody's not back from Gary's yet. It's time to mobilize our forces. Let's go. I'm just the man for it. Actually, I considered a career as a spy when I was young, but in the end, I decided not to go into intelligence.
Carla: That seems only fair. None of it went into you.

Quote from Woody

Carla: That's it, Cornmeal. You blew it.
Woody: I'm telling you, I was doing fine. I borrowed this great costume from my theater group. I really looked like a nun. I went in there...
Sam: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You dressed up as a nun and went into a bar?
Woody: Well, it was either that or one of the von Trapp children.

Quote from Woody

Gary: [chuckles] Well, look who's back. Sister Mary Woody. [laughter]
Woody: I'm looking for a job.
Gary: Oh, right. I heard you quit Cheers.
Woody: I'm never going back into Cheers again. Well, except to get my last check and, uh, the only key to my apartment.
Gary: So where'd you stay last night?
Woody: Well, I just walked around. Down to the Commons, over to the river, across the river to Cambridge, back over the river, took a right at the Prudential building, stopped at a newsstand, thought about buying a paper, didn't...
Gary: Okay, okay, okay. I get it.

Quote from Woody

Sam: Oh, that stunt tears it. Now I'm mad.
Woody: Yeah, I can tell.
Sam: How? That little vein bulging in my forehead?
Woody: No.
Sam: My nostrils flaring?
Woody: No.
Sam: My jaw is clenched?
Woody: No.
Sam: Well, then, how can you tell?
Woody: You just said, "Now I'm mad."
Sam: Yeah, well, now I'm really mad.
Woody: Yeah, I can tell.
Sam: How?

Quote from Carla

Rebecca: Carla, how long have you had this planned?
Carla: Since about a minute after we lost last year's contest.
Norm: This is unbelievable.
Carla: What?! That I could come up with a great plan?
Norm: No, that you'd pay this guy money out of your own pocket.
Carla: Get real. I lifted Gary's wallet when he was leaving the bar.
Sam: Thank God you are on our side.

Quote from Sam

Sam: What the hey? That's Gary on the TV.
[on TV:]
Gary: We hid a secret camera in a competitor's establishment. Let's hear what they have to say about Gary's Bloody Marys.
Cliff: Boy, I don't know what's in that, but Gary makes the best Bloody Mary I've ever tasted.
Gary: Really?
Carla: Gary deserves to win this contest every year.
Gary: Thank you very much. And you'd be surprised what some people would do to get a hold of my Bloody Mary mix.
Norm: Hey, I'd dress up like a hooker to get some of this stuff.
Gary: But you can get a pretty good Bloody Mary just about anywhere in town. Isn't that right?
Sam: Cheers never made a Bloody Mary this good.
Gary: If you say so, Sam Malone of Cheers.
[in the bar:]
Man: Anybody know the way to Gary's?
Frasier: I'll give you a lift.

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