Frasier: Sam, your whole life, has been a string of meaningless, albeit enjoyable, sexual encounters. Now, for the first time, you're engaging in a meaningful, productive pursuit... See, it's a common conflict between what we call recreational sex and procreational sex.
Sam: What?
Frasier: Well, dirty sex and clean sex.
Sam: Oh.
Frasier: Now, it is this conflict that is making you unable to function.
Sam: Oh. Oh, yeah. That's good. All right. Wow. For a minute there, I thought maybe there was something wrong with the seal on my microwave.

Sam: Honey? Oh, thank God you're still here. I'm sorry I ran out like that.
Rebecca: Sam, don't say another word. Everything's going to be just fine. [they kiss]
Sam: Oh, yeah. Oh, this is hot.
Rebecca: Mmm. With heat like this, you'll fertilize my egg in no time.
Sam: Yeah, uh... Anyway, anyway, uh... Just... Why, I tell you, you are looking so sexy tonight.
Rebecca: Yeah, I'm about to grow your child inside my womb.
Sam: Hotcha, hotcha, hotcha.
Rebecca: And then I'll give birth to a new life, and you'll be there to cut that cord.
Sam: Are you gonna be talking like this all night?
Rebecca: You... You ain't heard nothing yet, O, giver of life.
Sam: Giver. Excuse. Excuse me just a second. Hang on.
Rebecca: [o.s.] What's going on in there Daddy?
Sam: Uh, I'll be right out, Mommy. Uh, I mean Mama.

Cliff: Quite a night, huh, Norm?
Norm: Yep.
Cliff: Yeah. I can't believe old Sammy wants to be a dad.
Norm: Yep.
Cliff: He's got to be real careful about choosing a mother. A lot of things to consider. Like, for example, how the genes match up. Yeah. Wish my parents had given that a little bit more thought. Yeah. Maybe I'd be able to jump a little higher, run a little faster. You know, there's a jumping gene in my ma. It's called the "J" gene. It's... It's recessive. You know, so, if my ma had gotten matched up with a guy with a dominant jumping gene.. You know, let's see. Like, uh, Carl Lewis. I'm telling you, Norm, it could have been a whole different playground for little Cliffie Lewis.
Norm: Cliffie, I hate to interrupt, but, uh, we're here.
Cliff: Normie, how come you always drop me off at least six blocks away from my house?
Norm: Well, this time it's a mile. Get out.

Rebecca: I'm going to be a mommy! I'm going to be a mommy!
Sam: Rebecca, honey? Honey?
Rebecca: What, Sam?
Sam: Are you sure you're ready for this?
Rebecca: Well, don't I look ready?
Sam: Maybe I'm thrown off by the coatrack.
Rebecca: Oh, I hate it when I do that.

Rebecca: Well, you think we're ready, don't you? I mean, you don't think that we're rushing this, do you? Do you need a little time to think it over?
Sam: No sweetheart, sweetheart, come on, turn around. I think we're both very excited by this. You want to be a mommy, right? And I want to be a daddy. I think that the decision has been made here.
Rebecca: Sam, just give it a yank.
Sam: Ow! Ooh!
Rebecca: Are you hurt?
Sam: No, no. I'm fine.
Rebecca: Okay, what do you think? You want to give it till tomorrow?
Sam: [high voice] Please.

Rebecca: Hi, Sam.
Sam: Hi. Sorry about last night.
Rebecca: Oh, no. Don't worry about it. You feeling better? You didn't bruise, did you?
Sam: Sweetheart, it's not a peach.

Rebecca: Look, I don't want this to be that we just do it. I want this to be special. I mean, what's going to happen when our child asks us about the night we conceived? What are we going to say?
Sam: How about, "Mind your own business"?
Rebecca: Sam, be serious. I know. I know. Let's do something that you have never done before with a woman.
Sam: All right, all right. [ponders]
Rebecca: Okay, okay, okay. Let- let- let's do something that you've only done once.
Sam: Okay. All right. You got, uh... You've got, uh...
Rebecca: Let's just have a nice, simple, romantic evening.
Sam: All right. Now, that I can do. That I can do. Tell you what. You got a fireplace, right?
Rebecca: Yeah.
Sam: Well, there you go. It's a perfect evening. Dinner, fire, a little Jiffy Pop.
Rebecca: Sam, don't be crass.
Sam: No, no, no. I was talking about popcorn.

Rebecca: Wow. I'm impressed. Where did you learn how to cook?
Sam: When I was a kid, my mom thought that all boys should do a little bit of cooking.
Rebecca: I never knew that.
Sam: Oh, yeah. I have a sensitive side. Matter of fact, why don't we put on some music and see how long it takes you to find it. Where do you keep your Johnny Mathis?
Rebecca: I don't think I have any.
Sam: Oh. Well, who needs music? Allow me. [sings] Look at me
Rebecca: I didn't know you could sing that high.
Sam: I couldn't before the coatrack.

Rebecca: What's the matter?
Sam: Nothing's the matter. Don't be silly. Nothing's the matter. It's just that, uh you know, not everything's right right now, you know? Uh... We don't have Johnny Mathis. Yeah, that's it. Uh... tell you what. Why don't l, uh... Why don't I go to the record store? I'll be right back.
Rebecca: No! Sam...
Sam: If we're going to make a baby, I'm going to need my Johnny!

Frasier: What's wrong, Sam? Sam, what is it?
Sam: I... l... I...
Frasier: What? What? Is it an accident? A fire? Do you want us to follow you? Sam, look. Just pull yourself together and tell me what it is.
Sam: I can't.
Frasier: Yes, you can. Look. Just organize your thoughts, form the words, and tell me.
Sam: I can't.
Frasier: Sam, if you want me to help you, you're going to have to tell me what the problem is.
Sam: I am!
Frasier: Well, then, what is it?
Sam: I can't!
Frasier: You can't what? [Sam looks at Frasier] Oh, dear Lord. Am I to assume that Sam Malone is unable to... [Sam closes Frasier's mouth]?
Sam: You gotta help me, man.