Sam: You bought a house without asking me?
Diane: Well, I- I didn't exactly buy it.
Sam: Uh-huh.
Diane: I put down the teeniest of refundable deposits.
Sam: You know, I don't believe this.
Diane: Oh, now, Sam, there was another couple there, and they were all ready to make a bid on it. I had to move quickly.
Sam: Yeah, talking about moving quickly, you get into my office right now and you call them tell them that I want my deposit back.
Diane: Okay, Sam, whatever you say. But first I want to call the decorator about ordering drapes.
Sam: Yeah, well, make it quick.

Frasier: Well, I guess it's time we started thinking about a housewarming gift.
Cliff: Ah, it's pathetic. Yeah, you'd never catch a woman of mine leading me around by the nose.
Carla: No, but you might catch her sunning herself on a rock.

Diane: Oh. Oh, Sam, I can hardly wait till I'm in the kitchen, pot holders in hand, cooking a nice big roast, calling out to you, "Dinner's ready, honey."
Sam: "l'll be right there. I'm in the workshop."
Diane: The workshop?
Sam: Oh, yeah, yeah. My dad always had one. I used to go down there all the time. I just loved the smell of sawdust. Wonder where I can buy some of that.

Sam: Come on, come on, we love this house. Now, I know how you feel right now, but but wait till we make some changes here. Look, we can we can we can knock out this wall right here and make the whole room different. I mean, yeah, what the hell? Look at that. They got writing all over this wall.
Diane: Oh, look. "Mikey at one year, 30 inches. Bert Jr. at two years, 36 inches." How can you possibly think of tearing this down? Can't you see this is a record of their lives?
Sam: Well, all I can see is that little Janey here was a moose. How'd you like to have that coming at you in a tutu, huh?
Diane: You have the sensitivity of a dung beetle.

All: Happy housewarming!
Sam: Hey, hey.
Diane: No, don't. This isn't our house. We don't belong in it. I'll never live here. Not one day, not one minute. Please, leave, please.
Norm: You know, Sammy, a couple of years ago, this might've taken me by surprise, but now I just kind of roll with it.

Diane: We're trespassers here, Sam. The love and warmth that fill these walls didn't come from us. We can change the wallpaper, we can paint, we can put up new curtains, but the soul of this house will still be those two sweet, old people. I'd be afraid to wash the dishes for fear I'd turn the faucet on, and instead of water coming out, it would be Lillian's tears.
Sam: Oh, brother. l- l- l'll put a purifier in. All houses have ghosts. You know, memories of people who lived there before. Now, the only way you can get rid of them is to-to start making your own memories, and the only way we can do that is if we move in here and start living here.
Diane: Mm. Maybe you're right.
Sam: Yeah.
Diane: I guess I've been overreacting.
Sam: Oh, that's okay. What do you say we carry on this conversation naked?
Diane: Do you think I could ever make love in this house?

Norm: Where's Sammy and Diane?
Carla: They're in the office trying to unload The Nightmare on Diane Street.
Norm: Well they'll just have to miss my big news. Woody, I want you to stop the presses on that, uh, newsletter. You'll never guess who I saw in front of my office today. Robert Urich. [Carla gasps] Okay? I want to tell you he's just as nice a guy driving past at 50 miles an hour as he looks on that TV screen.

Sam: Look, look, how much longer do we have to do this?
Diane: Oh, the children are loving it.
Sam: Yeah, well, can I at least take this beard off?
Diane: No, no, no, no. Now, we don't want to spoil their illusions.
Sam: Don't you think the fact that Santa's here in mid-May sweating bullets is making 'em a little suspicious already?

Sam: All right, all right, look, we- We did it, we did it. They're singing their carols. We passed out the presents. Now can we put out the stupid fire and- and get the Millers out of here, please?
Diane: Oh, but, Sam, we haven't roasted the chestnuts yet.
Sam: Oh, guess again, sweetheart.

Boy: Please don't make Grandma and Grandpa leave, lady.
Sam: No, go-
Diane: Oh, oh, th- th- They don't have to. Listen, why don't you come over next week, and we'll have a big Easter egg hunt right here. And we'll will make it an annual occasion.
Children: Yay!
Sam: No, no, no, no! No, no, I am not putting on a bunny suit for anybody! Now, now, listen, we've done everything - more than everything - anybody could possibly expect. We got to draw the line somewhere here. I mean, we can't arrange our lives just for you people. I mean, this is our house now. Y- Y- You can't have it anymore. Please, I mean, w- we- we need a chance to start our own lives here. I mean, for God's sake, we haven't even had a chance to be intimate in our own home yet.
Girl: What does Santa mean, Mommy?
Woman: Mommy will explain it later, dear.
Sam: Yeah, and somewhere else, Mommy. Uh, c- Come on, everybody, please, out.