‘A House Is Not a Home’
Season 5, Episode 25 - Aired April 30, 1987
Sam and Diane buy a house from an elderly couple who have lived there for forty years.
Quote from Norm
Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, how's life?
Norm: Oh, the plot's okay, Woody, but it kind of falls apart at the end.
Quote from Cliff
Cliff: Oh, uh, l, uh, hate to be a buttinsky here, but, uh, this is the absolute worst time to buy a house.
Sam: Why is that?
Cliff: Ah, seller's market. Unless you run into that, uh, rare breed, you know, the motivated seller. Now, you know, for a price, I could put you in a sweet little, uh, three-bed, two-bath number. Uh, it's got, uh, fishnetting over the patio and a handmade, uh, uh, lava rock fire pit in the back.
Norm: Cliffie, uh, that sounds a little bit like your house.
Cliff: It is my house, Norm.
Norm: Wait, wait, wait now. You said your mother was going to live there till the day she died.
Cliff: Well, uh, she's clean, and she doesn't eat much.
Quote from Norm
Diane: Sam, please. Just come with me and take a look at it.
Sam: I'm not- l'm not ready to own a home. It's a you- You got to work up to that.
Norm: Sammy's right. It's a big responsibility. You got, uh, lawns to mow. You got plumbing to fix. You got gutters to clean. Then, you know, every couple of years, you got to paint the entire thing from top to bottom. Honestly, I don't know where Vera gets the energy sometimes.
Frasier: Norm, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Norm: Yeah, I guess I should, shouldn't l? You know, thank God I'm not, huh?
Quote from Sam
Sam: You know, I never feel at home until I hang this little baby up.
Diane: Oh, God, Sam.
Diane: Oh, not where people can see it.
Sam: You know, I have never understood your attitude about this painting. I mean, it's a classic. "Dogs Playing Blackjack." [laughs] I never look at this without cracking up.
Diane: Ah. Well, that's the purpose of great art.
Sam: You know something? I think you, you're missing the subtle humor here. I mean, see this guy right here? He's cheating. [laughs]
Quote from Sam
Diane: Sam, those people were bereft of soul. They had no intention of embracing that house. Their only desire was to live there.
Sam: They wanted to live in the house they just bought? My God, they must've been raised by wolves.
Diane: They weren't the right kind of people to live in Bert and Lillian's house.
Sam: Oh, you know... That's it, that's it. You know, I we have always done things your way. I have bent over backwards to make you happy. I bought the ring you wanted, the china you wanted, the- the crystal you wanted. I even agreed to have a duvet cover on my bed, and I don't know what a duvet is or what it's supposed to cover. When are we going to do something that I want to do?
Diane: May I remind you that we're going to Disney World for our honeymoon?
Sam: Big deal. Who isn't?
Quote from Woody
Carla: Guinness stout and a gin and tonic.
Woody: Something the matter, Carla?
Carla: Yeah, something's the matter. My life is the pits. Seems like good things happen to everybody except me, you know? Norm has a new job. Frasier actually seems happy since he met his creepy girlfriend. And Sam has given up women and decided to marry Diane. And what have I got? Zip. Woody, I mean, how do you keep such a sunny disposition in this rotten, stink-infested world?
Woody: You mean, what do I do when I see Mr. Blues peeking around the corner?
Carla: Oh, God, he even has a cute name for depression.
Woody: Well, I just close my eyes, and I think a happy thought. Here, l- l'll show you. [Woody closes his eyes and smiles]
Carla: What was your thought?
Woody: I'm glad I'm not you.
Quote from Norm
Woody: I'm working on this month's issue of the Cheers newsletter, and I wondered what's new with you?
Norm: Nothing, really, Woody.
Woody: Well, you sure?
Norm: Uh, I don't know. Check last month. What was I up to then?
Woody: Let's see. Norm Peterson. Nothing.
Norm: Oh. Well, I guess it's not new then, eh?
Quote from Frasier
Woody: How about you, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: What's new in my life? Well, it's not easily put into words, Wood. Perhaps it has something to do with my relationship with Lilith. And perhaps it's just a maturity that comes with age. All I know is that I feel I finally know who I am, and I'm happy with that person. Does that answer your question?
Woody: Sure does. Dr. Crane: Nothing.
Quote from Diane
Diane: No, you goose. I found our house. I was driving to work today and, as luck would have it, there was an eight-car smash-up. Yeah, that didn't come out right. What I meant was I was forced to take an alternate route, and it sent me right past the perfect house. Oh, Sam, you should see it. Three bedrooms, two and a half baths, a formal dining room, a huge fireplace in the living room.
Sam: Excuse me for interrupting, but we're not looking for a house.
Diane: I know. I already found it.
Sam: No, I mean that we agreed to live in my apartment for a year first.
Diane: Well, yes, that was the original plan.
Diane: But that was before I saw hardwood floors, bay windows, crown moldings.
Sam: Yeah, well, so what's wrong with my apartment?
Diane: Well, granted this house doesn't have your view of the Exotic Dancing Academy. But I think you could learn to live in the shade of a stately elm.
Quote from Carla
Diane: Well, Sam and I will split the chores at our house.
Sam: Would you just slow down? We're not buyin' a house. I mean it.
Carla: Now, Sam, don't be so hasty. This could be the house for you. Does it have a basement?
Diane: Yes, it does. A large one.
Carla: Great. You can convert it into a dungeon to keep Diane in. Then, when you're done torturing her, you could bury the body under the cement floor, cover it with a Ping-Pong table.
Sam: Well, maybe. I don't know.
Sam: No, no, maybe you, not her.