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‘A House Is Not a Home’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: A House Is Not a Home

525. A House Is Not a Home

Aired April 30, 1987

Sam and Diane buy a house from an elderly couple who have lived there for forty years.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, how's life?
Norm: Oh, the plot's okay, Woody, but it kind of falls apart at the end.

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Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Oh, uh, l, uh, hate to be a buttinsky here, but, uh, this is the absolute worst time to buy a house.
Sam: Why is that?
Cliff: Ah, seller's market. Unless you run into that, uh, rare breed, you know, the motivated seller. Now, you know, for a price, I could put you in a sweet little, uh, three-bed, two-bath number. Uh, it's got, uh, fishnetting over the patio and a handmade, uh, uh, lava rock fire pit in the back.
Norm: Cliffie, uh, that sounds a little bit like your house.
Cliff: It is my house, Norm.
Norm: Wait, wait, wait now. You said your mother was going to live there till the day she died.
Cliff: Well, uh, she's clean, and she doesn't eat much.

Quote from Norm

Diane: Sam, please. Just come with me and take a look at it.
Sam: I'm not- l'm not ready to own a home. It's a you- You got to work up to that.
Norm: Sammy's right. It's a big responsibility. You got, uh, lawns to mow. You got plumbing to fix. You got gutters to clean. Then, you know, every couple of years, you got to paint the entire thing from top to bottom. Honestly, I don't know where Vera gets the energy sometimes.
Frasier: Norm, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Norm: Yeah, I guess I should, shouldn't l? You know, thank God I'm not, huh?

Quote from Sam

Sam: You know, I never feel at home until I hang this little baby up.
Diane: Oh, God, Sam.
Sam: What?
Diane: Oh, not where people can see it.
Sam: You know, I have never understood your attitude about this painting. I mean, it's a classic. "Dogs Playing Blackjack." [laughs] I never look at this without cracking up.
Diane: Ah. Well, that's the purpose of great art.
Sam: You know something? I think you, you're missing the subtle humor here. I mean, see this guy right here? He's cheating. [laughs]

Quote from Sam

Diane: Sam, those people were bereft of soul. They had no intention of embracing that house. Their only desire was to live there.
Sam: They wanted to live in the house they just bought? My God, they must've been raised by wolves.
Diane: They weren't the right kind of people to live in Bert and Lillian's house.
Sam: Oh, you know... That's it, that's it. You know, I we have always done things your way. I have bent over backwards to make you happy. I bought the ring you wanted, the china you wanted, the- the crystal you wanted. I even agreed to have a duvet cover on my bed, and I don't know what a duvet is or what it's supposed to cover. When are we going to do something that I want to do?
Diane: May I remind you that we're going to Disney World for our honeymoon?
Sam: Big deal. Who isn't?

Quote from Woody

Carla: Guinness stout and a gin and tonic.
Woody: Something the matter, Carla?
Carla: Yeah, something's the matter. My life is the pits. Seems like good things happen to everybody except me, you know? Norm has a new job. Frasier actually seems happy since he met his creepy girlfriend. And Sam has given up women and decided to marry Diane. And what have I got? Zip. Woody, I mean, how do you keep such a sunny disposition in this rotten, stink-infested world?
Woody: You mean, what do I do when I see Mr. Blues peeking around the corner?
Carla: Oh, God, he even has a cute name for depression.
Woody: Well, I just close my eyes, and I think a happy thought. Here, l- l'll show you. [Woody closes his eyes and smiles]
Carla: What was your thought?
Woody: I'm glad I'm not you.

Quote from Norm

Woody: I'm working on this month's issue of the Cheers newsletter, and I wondered what's new with you?
Norm: Nothing, really, Woody.
Woody: Well, you sure?
Norm: Uh, I don't know. Check last month. What was I up to then?
Woody: Let's see. Norm Peterson. Nothing.
Norm: Oh. Well, I guess it's not new then, eh?

Quote from Frasier

Woody: How about you, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: What's new in my life? Well, it's not easily put into words, Wood. Perhaps it has something to do with my relationship with Lilith. And perhaps it's just a maturity that comes with age. All I know is that I feel I finally know who I am, and I'm happy with that person. Does that answer your question?
Woody: Sure does. Dr. Crane: Nothing.

Quote from Diane

Diane: No, you goose. I found our house. I was driving to work today and, as luck would have it, there was an eight-car smash-up. Yeah, that didn't come out right. What I meant was I was forced to take an alternate route, and it sent me right past the perfect house. Oh, Sam, you should see it. Three bedrooms, two and a half baths, a formal dining room, a huge fireplace in the living room.
Sam: Excuse me for interrupting, but we're not looking for a house.
Diane: I know. I already found it.
Sam: No, I mean that we agreed to live in my apartment for a year first.
Diane: Well, yes, that was the original plan.
Sam: Yeah.
Diane: But that was before I saw hardwood floors, bay windows, crown moldings.
Sam: Yeah, well, so what's wrong with my apartment?
Diane: Well, granted this house doesn't have your view of the Exotic Dancing Academy. But I think you could learn to live in the shade of a stately elm.

Quote from Carla

Diane: Well, Sam and I will split the chores at our house.
Sam: Would you just slow down? We're not buyin' a house. I mean it.
Carla: Now, Sam, don't be so hasty. This could be the house for you. Does it have a basement?
Diane: Yes, it does. A large one.
Carla: Great. You can convert it into a dungeon to keep Diane in. Then, when you're done torturing her, you could bury the body under the cement floor, cover it with a Ping-Pong table.
Sam: Well, maybe. I don't know.
Diane: Sam.
Sam: No, no, maybe you, not her.

Quote from Diane

Sam: You bought a house without asking me?
Diane: Well, I- I didn't exactly buy it.
Sam: Uh-huh.
Diane: I put down the teeniest of refundable deposits.
Sam: You know, I don't believe this.
Diane: Oh, now, Sam, there was another couple there, and they were all ready to make a bid on it. I had to move quickly.
Sam: Yeah, talking about moving quickly, you get into my office right now and you call them tell them that I want my deposit back.
Diane: Okay, Sam, whatever you say. But first I want to call the decorator about ordering drapes.
Sam: Yeah, well, make it quick.

Quote from Carla

Frasier: Well, I guess it's time we started thinking about a housewarming gift.
Cliff: Ah, it's pathetic. Yeah, you'd never catch a woman of mine leading me around by the nose.
Carla: No, but you might catch her sunning herself on a rock.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Oh. Oh, Sam, I can hardly wait till I'm in the kitchen, pot holders in hand, cooking a nice big roast, calling out to you, "Dinner's ready, honey."
Sam: "l'll be right there. I'm in the workshop."
Diane: The workshop?
Sam: Oh, yeah, yeah. My dad always had one. I used to go down there all the time. I just loved the smell of sawdust. Wonder where I can buy some of that.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Come on, come on, we love this house. Now, I know how you feel right now, but but wait till we make some changes here. Look, we can we can we can knock out this wall right here and make the whole room different. I mean, yeah, what the hell? Look at that. They got writing all over this wall.
Diane: Oh, look. "Mikey at one year, 30 inches. Bert Jr. at two years, 36 inches." How can you possibly think of tearing this down? Can't you see this is a record of their lives?
Sam: Well, all I can see is that little Janey here was a moose. How'd you like to have that coming at you in a tutu, huh?
Diane: You have the sensitivity of a dung beetle.

Quote from Norm

All: Happy housewarming!
Sam: Hey, hey.
Diane: No, don't. This isn't our house. We don't belong in it. I'll never live here. Not one day, not one minute. Please, leave, please.
Norm: You know, Sammy, a couple of years ago, this might've taken me by surprise, but now I just kind of roll with it.

Quote from Diane

Diane: We're trespassers here, Sam. The love and warmth that fill these walls didn't come from us. We can change the wallpaper, we can paint, we can put up new curtains, but the soul of this house will still be those two sweet, old people. I'd be afraid to wash the dishes for fear I'd turn the faucet on, and instead of water coming out, it would be Lillian's tears.
Sam: Oh, brother. l- l- l'll put a purifier in. All houses have ghosts. You know, memories of people who lived there before. Now, the only way you can get rid of them is to-to start making your own memories, and the only way we can do that is if we move in here and start living here.
Diane: Mm. Maybe you're right.
Sam: Yeah.
Diane: I guess I've been overreacting.
Sam: Oh, that's okay. What do you say we carry on this conversation naked?
Diane: Do you think I could ever make love in this house?

Quote from Norm

Norm: Where's Sammy and Diane?
Carla: They're in the office trying to unload The Nightmare on Diane Street.
Norm: Well they'll just have to miss my big news. Woody, I want you to stop the presses on that, uh, newsletter. You'll never guess who I saw in front of my office today. Robert Urich. [Carla gasps] Okay? I want to tell you he's just as nice a guy driving past at 50 miles an hour as he looks on that TV screen.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Look, look, how much longer do we have to do this?
Diane: Oh, the children are loving it.
Sam: Yeah, well, can I at least take this beard off?
Diane: No, no, no, no. Now, we don't want to spoil their illusions.
Sam: Don't you think the fact that Santa's here in mid-May sweating bullets is making 'em a little suspicious already?

Quote from Sam

Sam: All right, all right, look, we- We did it, we did it. They're singing their carols. We passed out the presents. Now can we put out the stupid fire and- and get the Millers out of here, please?
Diane: Oh, but, Sam, we haven't roasted the chestnuts yet.
Sam: Oh, guess again, sweetheart.

Quote from Sam

Boy: Please don't make Grandma and Grandpa leave, lady.
Sam: No, go-
Diane: Oh, oh, th- th- They don't have to. Listen, why don't you come over next week, and we'll have a big Easter egg hunt right here. And we'll will make it an annual occasion.
Children: Yay!
Sam: No, no, no, no! No, no, I am not putting on a bunny suit for anybody! Now, now, listen, we've done everything - more than everything - anybody could possibly expect. We got to draw the line somewhere here. I mean, we can't arrange our lives just for you people. I mean, this is our house now. Y- Y- You can't have it anymore. Please, I mean, w- we- we need a chance to start our own lives here. I mean, for God's sake, we haven't even had a chance to be intimate in our own home yet.
Girl: What does Santa mean, Mommy?
Woman: Mommy will explain it later, dear.
Sam: Yeah, and somewhere else, Mommy. Uh, c- Come on, everybody, please, out.

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