Rebecca: Oh, Sam, he's so sweet. I don't want to hurt his feelings. What do you say when you break up with a woman?
Sam: I usually say, "I'll call you tomorrow."

Rebecca: Thank God he's gone!
Sam: Hey, where the hell have you been all afternoon?
Rebecca: Hiding up at Melville's waiting for Russell to leave. You know, I sat up there for three hours pushing my glass around making moronic small talk.
Norm: Boy, if I ever get like that, put a gun to my head.

Rebecca: Woody, was Russell different in any way when he was growing up?
Woody: Well, he does have one little quirk. You know, when he likes something, he really gets carried away. I mean, uh, you know, one time he liked trains. I mean, really liked them. Collected them, wrote songs about them, pasted pictures all over his walls. You know, in fact he- he even thought he was a train for a while. Every morning at 7:53, you could hear him coming through town.

Rebecca: What do I do?
Lilith: The advisable course of action is to not take any chances. A woman living alone who feels threatened in any fashion is entitled to police protection.
Rebecca: I thought I'd just be a little bit more direct and tell him I wasn't interested.
Frasier: Yeah, right.
Lilith: [scoffs] Be direct.
Frasier: Lay people.

Twitchell: Hook, line and sinker.
Sam: Hey, fellas, what's up?
Twitchell: Oh, Sam, I want you to meet my brother-in-law, Frank.
Henderson: Hi, Sam.
Sam: Frank.
Carla: Hey, what are you guys trying to pull?
Twitchell: Ah, I'm sick of Clavin shooting off his mouth about the new uniforms. He's never even seen them, so we came up with our own Clavin version.
Carla: The old fake uniform gag.
Twitchell: Yeah.
Carla: Why didn't we think of that? You know, I'm a little disappointed in all of us. I just think we're gonna have to work a little harder around here.

Woody: Hey, Dr. Crane. Look what I got.
Frasier: That's quite a trophy, Woody. I didn't know you played golf.
Woody: I don't. There's a trophy shop down the street.
Frasier: You just bought this trophy? You don't even golf?
Woody: Why should l?
Frasier: Well, because the idea of a trophy is to show some sort of accomplishment. You should learn to golf. Go out, take a couple of lessons. Spend some hours mastering the finer points of the game.
Woody: And then?
Frasier: Well, then you get better and you can join a country club.
Woody: And then?
Frasier: Well, and then you can compete. Maybe enter some tournaments.
Woody: And then?
Frasier: And maybe some day, you'll be the best and you'll win, and then you'll get a...
Woody: A trophy, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Congratulations, Woody.

Russell: Hi. l- l'm looking for Woody Boyd.
Woody: Oh! Russell! Hey! Russell! Russell! Russell! All the way from Florida! Hey! How're you doing, cuz?
Russell: I'm great, man!
Woody: Great. Hey, Sam, guess who this is.
Sam: Uh, your cousin Russell from Florida?
Woody: Wow! What are you, a witch?

Frasier: Well, well, one of Woody's relatives. Hello, Russell.
Russell: Hi.
Frasier: Say, Russell, uh, have you ever been to Hanover?
Russell: I spent every summer of my life there.
Frasier: Yes, well, Woody's told us a lot about it, and I'm sure we'd all be interested in a different perspective.
Russell: Well, you know, it's just like any other small, rural town in the Midwest. There's acres and acres of farmland, and hard-working people. You know, it's also the U.F.O. capital of the world.
Frasier: Enjoy your stay in Boston, Russell.

Rebecca: What's Russell going to do while he's here in Boston, Woody?
Woody: Well, I don't know, Miss Howe. [Russell plays a simple melody on piano] I was hoping he could work at Cheers.
Rebecca: What does he know how to do?
Woody: Uh, that's the question. Yeah, he was always off writing and sculpting and painting, while the rest of us were bettering ourselves by learning air-conditioning repair and riding dirt bikes. Yeah, to tell you the truth, I don't know if he can do much of anything. [Russell plays boogie-woogie melody virtuosically] Of course! Why didn't I think of it before? He can be a busboy.

Twitchell: But, uh, you can't escape the fact that starting tomorrow, we all have to wear the new uniforms. No exceptions.
Cliff: Oh, yeah? Well, this is what I think of the new uniforms. [rips up letter]
Twitchell: Oh, come on, now. It's not as bad as that. You haven't even seen them yet.
Cliff: That's right, and I don't want to. As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't exist.
This is the uniform that made me want to become a postal worker. And this is the uniform I'm sticking to.
Carla: You wouldn't have that problem if you washed it once in a while.
Twitchell: You know, this is insubordination, Clavin. I got no choice but to report you to the supervisor.
Cliff: I don't care if you do. There comes a time in every man's life when he's got to show his manhood, put his cards on the table. [Twitchell exits]
Carla: Can we just see the cards?