All: [sing] For she's a jolly good fellow Which nobody can deny.
Norm: Carla, another round, please.
Carla: Bite my Francis.
Norm: [sings] For she's a tightfisted widow For she's a tightfisted...

Woody: Hey, guys. Here I go. Off to my dress rehearsal. [chuckles] Dress rehearsal. What bitter irony.
Frasier: Now listen, Woody, when you take off your clothes on that stage, it's not exhibitionism. You are becoming a part of the rich heritage of the theater. You're joining a continuum that stretches back from Shakespeare to the Greeks to the Romans and all the way back into the endless mists of time.
Woody: Gee, I never thought about it that way, Dr. Crane.
Sam: Really? I had.
Woody: Well, maybe I am making too much of this. You know, it's not like they're forcing us to take our clothes off. In fact, the director said that we only have to take our clothes off if the spirit moves us.
Frasier: Well, what's your problem? You know, we are, after all, born naked, Woody. And it's man's natural state. I mean, you and I are both naked underneath our clothes.
Woody: Dr. Crane, you're a married man. [exits]
Frasier: Perhaps I'd do better to have a little chat with this gentleman here. [touches the statue of Tecumseh]

Frasier: Well, my friends, you have missed a once-in-a-lifetime landmark evening in the history of community theater.
Rebecca: Did Woody chicken out?
Frasier: Oh, no, indeed.
Woody: [enters] Why didn't you stop me, Mr. Peterson? Why didn't anybody stop me?
Rebecca: Woody, what happened?
Woody: Well, last week during rehearsal I kept thinking, "Why am I the only one who's afraid to get naked? Why am I the only one who's ashamed?" So tonight when I got out in front of that audience, I ripped off every stitch of clothing. And I looked around and I thought, "Why am I the only one who's naked?"
Sam: Well, maybe nobody noticed, Wood.
Frasier: Oh, they noticed, Sam.
Woody: As if that wasn't bad enough, I heard this high-pitched scream from the audience, "Hey, look. He's the only one who's naked."
Norm: Sorry, Wood. You took me by surprise.
Woody: Well, at least the evening wasn't a total disaster. I was really touched by this nice watch you guys gave me. I needed one, too. I lost one just like it about a month ago.

Carla: Well, I'm perfectly OK, Sam. I think I'm going to make it. I just have to hang in there for another three days, and Gloria will be on that bus back to Kenosha, and all my problems will be solved.
Sam: Now wait a minute, are you saying that it's her fault that you're shaking?
Carla: Of course she is. It's all part of her fiendish plan.
Sam: Why would she have a fiendish plan?
Carla: Because she knows all about the insurance money.
Sam: How do you know she knows?
Carla: Because she acts like she doesn't know! That's how I know she knows. Do you want to hear an example of what this cruel woman is trying to do to break my spirit? She's being nice. You know what she did last night? She did eight loads of laundry, and I don't have a washer and dryer.

Gloria LeBec: Carla. Carla, what are you doing here? I told you to stay home today. I've been worried sick about the way you've been shaking. I want you to go home right now and get some rest. I left a pot of minestrone on the stove.
Carla: Are you from hell?
Gloria LeBec: And I don't want you to worry about missing your pay here, because I'm going to finish your shift.
Carla: You are from hell. She is, she's from hell, Sam. From hell.
Gloria LeBec: Calm down...
Carla: No! No! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! You know about the money! Admit it! You know! I know you know! Oh, why are you torturing me like this? All right, all right, here it is. Here it is. Here's half of the 50,000 bucks from Eddie's insurance money. Here. Take it!
Gloria LeBec: Eddie had insurance money? I didn't know that.
Carla: Give me that! Oh, my God. Oh, the hell with it. Here. Take it. Great. I'm not shaking anymore. I can go back to hustling drinks. Oh, joy.
Gloria LeBec: So that's why you were shaking? Because your conscience was bothering you, and now out of the goodness of your heart, you're giving me all this money even though it's rightfully yours?
Carla: That's right, Gloria.
Gloria LeBec: What a chump.
Carla: What?
Gloria LeBec: Just because of a little shaking. Huh. No wonder Eddie wanted another wife.

Carla: I don't care what she says. I know in my heart that I did the right thing. Besides, I still got 25,000 bucks.
Sam: Yeah.
Carla: I mean, that can buy a lot of things, you know?
Sam: Yeah, you bet. You know, I'm proud of you, too. So what are you going to buy first?
Carla: A big, expensive car, so the next time I see her, I can run the slut down.

Carla: Why are you shaking like that? You walk all the way over here in the cold?
Gloria LeBec: I had to. My car keys were in my coat pocket.
Carla: Not anymore, I dropped them in the nearest mailbox. You'll get them in six to eight weeks.

Woody: Hey, guys, I'm in the chorus of our theater's spring musical.
Sam: Hey, very good.
Frasier: Was it the butt walk that did it?
Woody: Well, it must be. All the other butt walkers got in, too. Yeah, a guy who can pull his lower lip up over his nose got one of the leads.

Sam: Hey, how'd the reading of Eddie's will go?
Carla: Well, fine.
Rebecca: It took this long to read Eddie's will?
Carla: Yeah. Well, Eddie named one of his hockey buddies executor of the will. So the whole thing took awhile.
Rebecca: Why?
Carla: He forgot where he put it.

Gloria LeBec: Listen, if you're still ticked off about the hundred bucks, you can choke on it. It's mine. Eddie gave it to me.
Carla: Look, I slept with the guy. I made love to him. I earned at least 50.
Gloria LeBec: Yeah, well, I don't see you giving me any of the stuff he gave you.
Carla: I am perfectly willing to give you half of everything Eddie left me. That'd be half of his debts and half of his funeral and headstone bills, which should work out to somewhere in the neighborhood of 620 bucks.