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‘Valloweaster’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Valloweaster

711. Valloweaster

Aired April 9, 2020

The squad competes in an effort to determine who is the greatest human/genius.

Quote from Scully

Charles: Why did you want Cheddar to swallow the gems?
Rosa: Because I needed to delay things. The second part of my plan took place on Valentine's Day, which went perfectly.
Jake: Ah, I wouldn't say perfectly. Scully swallowed the gems.
Rosa: 'Cause I tricked him into it. Wasn't hard. Pretty much used the same Cheddar ham playbook.
[flashback:]
Scully: Table ham. Seven days in a row.
[present:]
Scully: So now I have to think twice before I eat food I find lying around. Thanks a lot.

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Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Okay, so this segs me nicely into my next point... decorum. This is supposed to be a fun day that brings us all closer together, but in the past few years, I've noticed it trending in the opposite direction.
Captain Holt: Is this about the surveillance system I set up in your apartment?
[flashback to Holt watching Jake and Amy in bed on a monitor:]
Captain Holt: Sleep, sleep, you ugly morons.
[present:]
Jake: No, but it is now.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I can't believe the two strongest competitors got partnered up. We're a dream team like in the 1992 Summer Olympics.
Jake: Okay, I know you're not talking about basketball, so just tell me what weird sport you think the Dream Team was from.
Captain Holt: Sport? I'm talking about the opening ceremonies. Agnes Baltsa and Alfredo Kraus singing back-to-back arias.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Was that the gems? Did you drop them?
Jake: That chair wasn't supposed to be there. Where'd they go?
Captain Holt: I can't see anything. Turn off the smoke. It's lucky I was prepared for you to fail. Now, I didn't wanna reveal him this early, but...
[high pitch whistle] Here he comes. Cheddar, Cheddar the Dog.
Jake: Yeah, we all knew he was coming. You don't have to make such a meal out of it.
Captain Holt: Go, Cheddar. Arcessere. Means fetch. Cheddar's been taking Latin.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Why would he have swallowed the gems?
Captain Holt: Well, a photograph of Cheddar was featured on "Chonky Pups," an Instagram account for overweight pets. A top comment called him a "thick king." Kevin and I put him on a diet, and I suppose he got hungry enough to mistake the gems for food.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I would never. I want to win, Which is why I'm initiating Operation Fabius.
Jake: Okay. That does sound kind of cool.
Captain Holt: Well, it shouldn't. I may have to change the name. Roman dictator Fabius Maximus defeated Hannibal by avoiding battle and exercising patience.
Jake: I can be patient. I just listened to you talk about that Fabius guy for, like, four hours.
Captain Holt: It was two sentences.
Jake: Ugh, shut up.

Quote from Charles

Amy: This is clearly the work of Charles Boyle, the son of a florist.
Charles: You think I'd make bouquets that look like this? With all this baby's-breath? What do you think of me?

Quote from Captain Holt

Dr. Gabbie Wince: Yep, he swallowed 'em. You can see the gems right here on the X-ray.
Jake: And you're sure those are the gems and there's not something horribly wrong with him?
Dr. Gabbie Wince: Well, the part that's horribly wrong with him is if you look here...
Captain Holt: Oh, nobody cares.

Quote from Charles

Amy: It's happening. Put on your head.
Charles: Oh, with pleasure. I love disappearing into a role. I'm Argyle James Hopford, a bachelor bunny who's carrying out a scandalous affair with a local goose.
Amy: Shut up and put on your damn head!

Quote from Amy

Jake: Anyhow, will there be a new champion crowned this year, or will I become the first ever three-time winner, building on my glorious victories in heists one and five?
Amy: You didn't win the fifth heist. I did when you proposed to me.
Captain Holt: I won that year. You ended up with a modified version of the cummerbund, and you only got that because you slept your way into it.
Amy: Sorry, sir, that no one here wants to bone you, you dusty, old skeleton.
Captain Holt: Whoa!

Quote from Amy

Amy: No, Charles, we're not forfeiting. I wanted Jake to rig the envelopes and partner up with Holt. I gave him the idea by making him watch "Lincoln."
[flashback:]
Amy: Oh, wow, a team of rivals.
Jake: Mm-hmm.
[back:]
Amy: And when that didn't work, we watched "X-Men: Days of Future Past."
[flashback:]
Jake: Magneto and Professor X working together? Amy, are you seeing this?
Amy: Yes, I see it. [whispers] I see it all.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Why would you do that? Jake and Holt are like the '92 dream team.
Amy: I know you're not talking about sports, so who do you think the '92 Dream Team was?
Charles: Aladdin and Abu.
Amy: Right.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Mmm, got a pedicure, made a smoothie 'cause Terry loves smoothies. Retiring early was the best decision I have ever made.
Jake: Well, you're missing out. People are saying this is the most fun heist we've ever done.
Sergeant Jeffords: Looks like Holt keeps trying to put his whole hand in Cheddar's mouth while Rosa Googles, "how to make a dog vomit."
Jake: Yeah. Like I said, we're having a blast.
Sergeant Jeffords: [giggles]

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: [sarcastically] Oh, no. I don't get to compete for a bunch of stones that were in a dog's butt. What will I do?
Jake: I'll have you know that a dog's butt is cleaner than a human's mouth.
Sergeant Jeffords: That can't be true.
Jake: Well, a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's mouth, and dog mouths lick dog butts, so you tell me where my theory is wrong.
Captain Holt: He has no comeback.

Quote from Jake

Charles: How do you know this is their plan?
Amy: 'Cause Jake frickin' told me.
Charles: He did?
Amy: Yeah. He's so frustrated with Holt... like I knew he would be... that it's all he talks about... [quietly] in therapy.
Charles: What?
[flashback to Jake laying on the couch in a therapist's office as Amy hides in the vent:]
Jake: The thing is, the bunny vests do add gravitas, but I can't tell him that 'cause then he wins. Oh, hey, is it weird that Jane Jetson gives me a bo...
[back:]
Charles: You found a therapist that let you do that?
Amy: No, I've been paying an actress to pretend to treat him for months. She's actually helped him a lot.
Charles: Oh, did Jake ever say anything about me while you were listening?
Amy: ... Where are those bunnies?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: You're too late. For the last three months, I have been training Cheddar to retrieve gems. Using his low center of gravity and keen sense of smell, he expertly... [gasps] Oh, no. He swallowed them. He swallowed the gems!
Jake: Well, [bleep].

Quote from Amy

Jake: Happy Halloween. I see you all have your game faces on. Special shout-out to Amy who is clearly only wearing that pumpkin costume to conceal her heist equipment.
Amy: Nuh-uh. I was greeting kids at the Halloween party.
Rosa: Nobody believes you.

Quote from Jake

Jake: So what prize are we playing for, you ask?
Hitchcock: Wait, what about me? Nobody picked my envelope.
Jake: So what prize are we playing for, you ask?

Quote from Jake

Jake: But what obstacles will I face, you may ask yourself. Well, the Infinitude Gems will be guarded by a ferocious and daunting sentry.
Bill: Hey, best friends.
Rosa: We're not your best friends, Bill.
Bill: [laughs] You don't get to decide that.
Jake: So Bill will hide the gems in his pockets.
Bill: You're really gonna have to root around in there. I dried my jeans, so they're extra tight.
Jake: You were right, Amy. I should have got a safe. Sorry, everyone. Let the heist begin!

Quote from Jake

Jake: One, two, three, desk. One, two, turn. One, two, three, four, Bill.
Bill: Hi, boys.
Jake: Oh, God! Why do you sound horny? Very upsetting. Okay, reaching into your pockets, feeling a lot of things, and I got the gems. Let's go.

Quote from Scully

Rosa: Who has the gems? What's going on?
Scully: And explain it quickly. I have to pee again.

Quote from Scully

Captain Holt: No, Rosa took the gems. I saw you brush up against one of the flower delivery men who handed you the gems, which you gave to Scully, who placed them in his mouth.
Rosa: That's absurd.
Scully: [muffled] Yeah, that's absurd.
Rosa: Okay, fine, but no one is getting those gems.
Scully: [muffled] Yeah.
Rosa: None of you would dare to put your bare hands inside of Scully's mouth.
Scully: [muffled] Yeah.
Rosa: Who knows what kind of diseases he's got.
Scully: [clearly] My doctors sure don't.
Rosa: Scully, why wasn't that garbled?

Quote from Jake

Jake: Anyways, the Infinitude Gems will go back to Bill whose life seems to have unraveled even further. Tough March for you there, bud?
Bill: Yeah, just a heads up. I sold my pants with the pockets, so I'll be putting the gems in my undies this time.
All: No.
Jake: I'll give him a fanny pack.
Bill: Can I keep it? This could be just what I need to turn my life around.
Jake: Yeah, Bill, you can keep the fanny pack.
Bill: I don't have to do anything for it, do I? Because I will if you ask. I'll do anything, even... [skin flapping]
Charles: What's that supposed to represent?
Jake: No one answer that.

Quote from Rosa

Jake: Anyhow, quick heist update. There's less than an hour left, and only two teams remain.
Rosa: Two?
Scully: My doctor said I'm at a grave risk for a shenanigan-related death, so I have to drop out.
Rosa: That's not fair. I should get a new partner. Terry, you want back in?
Sergeant Jeffords: Nope. I want my mango tango. Slurp, slurp.
Jake: Sorry, Rosa, if you wanna switch partners this late in the game, they have to have the same skill set as Scully.
Hitchcock: I'm available.
Rosa: Right, or... That filing cabinet kind of looks like Scully.
Jake: I see it. Same flat top. But if we really wanna make this a fair switch, it seems like you need to... start in the men's room.
Rosa: Come on.
Jake: Let the heist re-re-begin!

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Here they come, my beautiful, blue-vested bunnies.
Jake: My God, they're so cool.
Captain Holt: What's that?
Jake: Hm? Nothing. I hate them. This probably won't even work.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Rosa, that was amazing.
Captain Holt: It was not amazing. She didn't stay handcuffed to her partner. She's disqualified. We'll reset and start over on the next holiday. Earth day... an Earth day heist. It's perfect.
Rosa: Wrong. Rules said I couldn't undo the cuffs, and I didn't.
Captain Holt: Oh, not fair. I didn't know I could cut off Peralta's hand. I'll file that away for next year.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Wait, how did you know about Jake's bunny plan?
Rosa: You weren't the only one listening in on his therapy.
[flashback to Jake in the therapist's office:]
Jake: Of course the bunnies should have glasses. I just can't believe I didn't come up with it myself. Oh, you know what? Betty Rubble also gives me a bo... [Rosa hides under the couch]
[present:]
Jake: You guys were listening in on my therapy? That feels like a real violation...
Amy: Jake, Jake, this is Rosa's moment.
Rosa: Yeah, man, go tell it to your fake therapist.
Jake: She's fake?

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: Hold on. I have some math questions. If Rosa has three wins, does Scully have two? Am I now tied with Scully?
Amy: No, no, no. I'm tied with Scully. You're tied with the filing cabinet.
Charles: The filing cabinet has more wins than me?
Amy: Yes, obviously.
Jake: Yeah, that's how that works.
Captain Holt: As it should.

Quote from Rosa

Sergeant Jeffords: Guys, stop it. We're supposed to be celebrating Rosa here, not fighting.
Rosa: No, no, keep fighting. It's why I did this. You know, technically, we all shared in Jake's first win, so this might be my fourth.
Jake: What? No.
Captain Holt: Yeah, that's a good point.
Amy: Oh, we also helped Holt win too.
Captain Holt: Oh, shut up, Santiago. Just shut up.
Jake: Excuse me?
Amy: Wow, shut up?
Jake: How dare you, sir.
Captain Holt: I won two times.
Jake: That is my wife.
[Rosa smiles]


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