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‘USPIS’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: USPIS

208. USPIS

Aired November 23, 2014

While they attempt to catch a drug dealer, Jake and Charles are forced to join forces with the nerdy lead investigator of the U.S. Postal Service, Jack Danger. Meanwhile, the rest of the squad helps Amy quit smoking.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Boyle, why don't you show Danger what a fax machine is.
Charles: Okay. Imagine a letter had unprotected sex with a phone.


Quote from Jake

Jake: Here, my email is-
Jack Danger: Uh, no email. I'll send it to you with r-mail, which is to say, real mail. Because email has put hundreds of my co-workers out of work. How would you like it if they laid off all of your fellow detectives and partnered you with a robocop?
Jake: I've literally drawn sketches of that.
Charles: The robot has a backpack that can carry me.

Quote from Charles

Jack Danger: There are five people responsible for key collection in the city.
Jake: Boom! That's our list of suspects. We shall call them the fellowship of the key.
Charles: I honestly think you are the greatest man who ever lived.

Quote from Jake

Jake: You work for the post office. Your motto is surprisingly, we exist.
Jack Danger: Incorrect. Our motto is "nos custodimus quod lingus". We guard what you lick.
Jake: That's worse!

Quote from Rosa

Jake: Sorry I'm late. I had to go back to the deli and return my Everything Bagel. In what world does everything not include beef jerky?
Rosa: All of them.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Rosa has every right to be angry. I didn't listen to her and I messed up her task force. The only way to make this up to her is to do the worst, most awful thing imaginable.
Charles: Dip your penis in vinegar.
Jake: What? No! Why would you say that?
Charles: In Sunday school they said the Babylonians did that to their enemies. I've been terrified ever since.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Okay, we're looking for room 247, agent Jack Danger.
Jake: Agent Jack danger? Wow, that name is buh-dass.
Charles: Code for badass.
Jake: Yeah.
Charles: So buh-dass.

Quote from Charles

Rosa: What the hell? Danger just called and said you abandoned him, took information from a classified computer, and licked a roll of antique stamps. The stamps were on me.
Charles: I was curious about how old glue tasted. Answer, like a horse lollipop.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Fine. I will do it as favor for you because you're a friend. But if he tells me one more time how USPIS mailed down the Berlin Wall, I'm going to give him your home address and you will receive holiday cards from him forever.
Rosa: My own relatives don't have that address.
Jake: Oh I know. I know.

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: Santiago, I may need you to come in for a bit on saturday.
Amy: Again? Are you kidding me, man? (Gasps) I'm sorry. Let's start fresh. Hi!
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God.
Captain Holt: What just happened?
Gina: Her mind finally snapped, like a stale breadstick.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Grab your sneakers, Santiago. You're going me on a lunchtime jog.
Amy: Great! We can talk a little, chat about the job, do some mentor-mentee bonding.
Captain Holt: We will exercise in silence. No headphones either. Music is a crutch.

Quote from Amy

Amy: What's going on? Is this a dream? No, I'm not holding a label maker.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: That's better than my excuse. I said I had to go to my girls' bat mitzvahs.

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