TV Quotes

Charles: Oh, you're right. I'm gonna tell him. It might not be today. It might not be tomorrow. It definitely won't be later than tomorrow. So pretty much today or tomorrow then.

Jake: So, now that we are alone. I have to ask. Did you arrest a perp named Joe Uterus?
Amy: Oh my god, yes. I should have told you immediately. Perp name Hall of Fame, right?
Jake: Oh, yeah. First ballot. It was right up there with Sylvester Stools and Janet Stalkmuncher.

Captain Holt: I was trying to shield you. Do you know how much stress I've been under lately? My husband says he hasn't seen me smile in weeks.
Sergeant Jeffords: How much did you smile before that?
Captain Holt: Constantly.

Sergeant Jeffords: My name is Adelaide Van Hoyt. I'm eighty-nine years old, and I'm here to report a crime.
Amy: Not a problem. We can help you.
Rosa: Adelaide Van Hoyt. Eighty-nine years old. Goatee, six three, and two hundred and ninety pounds.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, this is a tight two-forty. Show Adelaide some damn respect.

Sergeant Jeffords: I was trying to lighten the mood. The squad's been stressed since these drills started. Plus, you ordered me to act like a seven year old. Seven year olds like to have fun.
Captain Holt: That's true. When I was seven, I used to sneak into my father's office to see his collection of antique globes.

Captain Holt: Look at that. You've helped me find my smile.

Captain Holt: Resume the drill, Timmy. And do not say or do anything a seven-year-old boy would not say or do. Feel free to consult the script I've prepared.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, but it's a little stilted. "I am feeling trepidation at the prospect of a parent-less existence." No kid talks like that.
Captain Holt: Those lines were lifted verbatim from my childhood diary.

Captain Holt: Look at that. You've helped me find my smile.

Captain Holt: Drinks are on me. There's a two drink maximum per person. It is non-transferable. Your guests will pay their own tabs. Valet parking is not included. Tomorrow's briefing will be fifteen minutes earlier than usual. And, I'm very proud of you, Peralta. We missed you.

Jake: In the mafia, once you Joel together, you're bonded for life.

Amy: Well, thank you for saying that. Just as long as we're clear I'm with someone and nothing is going to happen.
Jake: "I'm with someone and nothing is going to happen." Name of your sex tape!
Amy: He's back.

Jake: Okay, don't shoot! That's how people get shot.

Scully: I accidentally smiled at you last week and you shined a laser pointer in to my eye and screamed "Perv!"

Jake: God, I missed this place. Let me just soak it in. Oh, yeah. Stale coffee, finger printing ink, whatever Charles is fermenting in his desk.
Charles: Beans.
Jake: Beans! It's like I never left.

Jake: So, Joe Uterus, what did he do?
Amy: Killed a bunch of stray dogs.
Jake: Name's funnier than the story.

Jake: But Freddie's like the worst of those guys. Extortion, terrible breath, murder. I put terrible breath too high on that list.

Gina: Hey, Charles, you pretty excited about Jake being back?
Charles: Yeah, it's like when I was a kid and my grandma came home from the hospital, only better because Jake's not unresponsive.
Gina: Every time you talk I hear that sound that plays when Pacman dies.

Amy: Oh my god, what is on your sweater?
Gina: As everyone knows, my spirit animal is nature's greatest predator, the wolf. But I committed a horrible sexual blunder and I'm no longer wolf-worthy. My spirit animal is now this, the naked mole-rat, God's disgusting mistake.
Amy: Yeah, it's pretty ugly.
Gina: Hey, only I get to talk about my spirit animal that way. You don't get to say that.

Jake: No, I think I'm just gonna stay here and stare into the maggot drawer. Hey, that's a good name for a death metal song. "Stare into the maggot drawer!"

Gina: Nobody can ever know that we had sex, all right. I have spent years cultivating a reputation as somebody who sleeps with bike messengers or better.