TV Quotes

Captain Holt: Coat, coat, jacket, coat. Is this a police precinct or a Turkish bazaar?

Gina: Jake, why don't you just do the right thing and jump out a window? Captain Holt will never fire me if he knows I'm mourning the death of a close friend.

Captain Holt: Squad, since Peralta's briefing was cut short, you can all use this time to clean up your desks. Look at this place. Half-eaten food, crumpled tissues, pictures of your families.
Sergeant Jeffords: What's wrong with pictures?
Captain Holt: If you love someone, you'll remember what they look like.

Captain Holt: Peralta, I'm not going to discuss my home life with you. We're not friends. We're not family. You're not my husband.
Jake: That's hurtful. I thought we had a special bond. I was your secret santa last year.
Captain Holt: And I already thanked you for the "Who Farted?" baseball cap.
Jake: But you never wear it.

Jake: Damn it, it's morphing into British.
Gina: Do your catchphrase.
Jake: Peralta, that's enough.

Charles: He's messing with me because I'm not intimidating like Terry or dignified like Jake. Or model-handsome like Jake. Or funny like Jake.

Captain Holt: What is wrong with our Internet? I like to back up my data every fifteen minutes and it's taking seventeen minutes per backup. I'm in a data backup deficit.

Captain Holt: Bad mood? I'm sorry, have I not being bursting into song enough for you lately? Would you like me to click my heels together or skip like a school child?
Jake: Yes, to all of that.

Captain Holt: Attention, squad. Quick announcement. Overtime is reinstated, and you are each allowed two personal photographs, two trinkets and three assorted knick-knacks. You know what, just follow Sergeant Jefford's lead. He always knows how to keep this place running smoothly.

Captain Holt: You were right all along. I wasn't mad at you, I was mad at myself, and I took it out on the squad. Peralta you're a genius.
Jake: Oh my God, you said it.
Captain Holt: I heard you practising in the men's room.
Jake: Yeah, that makes more sense.

Jake: All right, fine. But I'm calling in my chit.
Gina: You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Jake: No, ch-it.

Sergeant Jeffords: The Captain's at a new level of anger, constant smiling.
Amy: It's horrible.
Rosa: All smiling is horrible. This is worse.

Captain Holt: You wanna know why I was so angry all week? When those men came at me, I acted like I was a twenty-year-old. I took a stupid risk and I got myself stabbed. I was in pain and frustrated about lying to the man I love.
Jake: Kevin
Captain Holt: Yes, obviously Kevin.
Jake: Obviously.

Charles: Yeah, I might buy my shoes at a kids store and yeah, I might be scared of geese, but I am a damn good cop and I will not be made a fool of. So I am gonna go into that room and I'm gonna get that lousy, old geezer to admit on camera that he robbed those banks.

Rosa: Dude, just admit you ruined everything and turned our lives into a living hell. No biggie.

Jake: Wait, so you heroically fought off three guys and that put you in a bad mood? If I did that, I would literally write a song about myself. It would be like "Jake the hero. Abs of steel. She-la-la-la."