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19Quotes from ‘The Therapist’

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: The Therapist

611. The Therapist

Aired March 21, 2019

Charles brings Jake into a case when a therapist reports one of his patient's missing. Holt finds out Rosa has a new girlfriend that everyone else has met. Amy believes she has accidentally received a package meant for Terry.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Behold, Brooklyn buddies, Boyle bullpen bottle bowling.
Charles: Beautiful.
Jake: Be brave, bro. Be brave. Bowl!
Rosa: Bam!
Charles: Bull's-eye!
Jake: Booyah!
Elderly Eastern European Woman: Babushka!
All: Babushka!

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, have you never been to therapy?
Jake: No. Don't need it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not even after the time your wife shot you?
Jake: Nope.
Sergeant Jeffords: What about when you were held at gunpoint and had to write your own suicide note?
Jake: Oh, that was crazy. I forgot about that.
Sergeant Jeffords: Or when you were falsely accused of bank robbery and went to prison?
Jake: Was that a big deal?
Sergeant Jeffords: You joined a gang and tried meth!
Jake: Well, I didn't want to be anyone's bitch.

Quote from Hitchcock

Jake: Okay, unlike Kooky Charles and Tearful Terry, I am healthy and don't need therapy.
Hitchcock: I hear that. I don't go to therapy either. Jake and I are like two penises in a pod.
Jake: Damn it, Hitchcock, we talked about this. It never helps when you back me up.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Come in, Diaz.
Rosa: How'd you know it was me?
Captain Holt: The restrained knock. Everyone else in this office plays my door like it's a marimba. The other day, Jeffords gave it three taps and two raps.
Rosa: Was he drunk?
Captain Holt: One can only assume.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Anyway, I wanted to invite you and Jocelyn to dinner at my house this weekend. Kevin will be making his famous rice.

Quote from Captain Holt

Rosa: Thank you for the invite, but I'm not really having people meet Jocelyn yet. I'm still feeling things out with her.
Captain Holt: But Boyle says you brought Jocelyn to Shaw's last week.
Rosa: That was unplanned.
Captain Holt: Sure, but now that the squad has all met her, surely you can't object to her having some rice with Kevin and me?
Rosa: Okay, it's just that you can be a bit judgmental.
Captain Holt: What a stupid thing to say. Name one time when I have been judgmental.
Rosa: Okay.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: What a stupid thing to say.
[present:]
Captain Holt: Oh, I see. Mere seconds ago.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: [on the phone] Kevin, they're not coming. Yes, I know you've already started soaking the rice. Couldn't we just eat it ourselves? I understand you purchased four portions of rice. Yes, that's a great idea. We'll eat the extra rice for breakfast. I love you, as well.

Quote from Jake

Charles: So you think he killed her and dumped her body in the park?
Jake: Sounds like couples counseling is going really great for them.
Charles: Sorry, my partner doesn't believe in therapy.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Oh, that's fine. It's hard for some people.
Jake: Title of your sex tape.

Quote from Charles

Jake: And you want us to just blindly trust Dr. Tate? He's a creepy therapist.
They all are. What kind of profession requires a couch?
Charles: Lots of them. My cousin Pam has a couch in his bird store. Would you call that creepy?
Jake: Yes! Decidedly so.
Charles: You always get upset when I bring up Pam.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Okay, so the neighbors say they haven't seen or heard any activity in the Buckleys' apartment, and- What is he doing here?
Charles: If we find James and he's unstable, Dr. Tate could talk him down.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Hello, Peralta.
Charles: Plus, on the ride over, he gave me a quickie.
Jake: A what?
Charles: A quick therapy session. We talked about so much. Did you know that I have a tendency to be unconsciously sexual?
Jake: Yes.
Charles: It's a real tough nut to bust.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Oh, you're doing it again.
Charles: Oh, okay, I think I hear it.
Jake: You think you hear it?

Quote from Charles

Jake: NYPD! Open up! That's weird. The door's unlocked.
Charles: That's too bad. I love watching you pound one out.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Charles.
Charles: What? That was sexual? Which part?
Jake: All of the parts.

Quote from Jake

Charles: Why do you think Dr. Tate's the murderer?
Jake: He already knew where the bathroom was. He's clearly been here before.
Charles: Well, he probably just guessed, because it's obvious.
Jake: This is New York. It's never obvious where the bathroom is. I once had an apartment where the toilet was literally in the refrigerator.

Quote from Jake

Charles: James was ill. We have months of notes saying he was increasingly unstable.
Jake: First of all, people with mental illness are much more likely to be the victims than the perpetrators. I heard that on NPR when I was in the room while Amy was listening to NPR.

Quote from Jake

Dr. Theresa Moore: Oh, um, can I help you?
Jake: Yes. I am... your new patient.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Garrett?
Jake: Garrett ... is my name, yes.
Dr. Theresa Moore: You're an hour and a half early.
Jake: I know. I have problems with time management. That's the issue I want to talk about.
Dr. Theresa Moore: On the phone, you said you were concerned you might have multiple personality disorder.
Jake: Yep, that too. Got buttloads of peeps living in my brain. No doubt, no doubt, no doubt, no doubt, no doubt. We should talk about it.

Quote from Jake

Dr. Theresa Moore:So, Garrett, where would you like to begin?
Jake: You know what, can we crack the door a little? I get very claustrophobic, probably from all the different people living in my head.
Dr. Theresa Moore: We usually keep it closed for privacy, but whatever makes you comfortable.
Jake: Thank you. Damn it, he's still here.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Excuse me?
Jake: Hmm? Uh, I was just talking to another one of the voices.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Is it Tatiana?
Jake: Who now?
Dr. Theresa Moore: The mischievous seven-year-old British girl you told me about on the phone? May I speak with her?
Jake: Uh... [high-pitched British accent] Yes? Hello, Doctor. I'm from Wussex.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Is that an actual place in England?
Jake: How should I know? I'm just a little girl, I am, I am.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Well, it's nice to speak with you, Tatiana.

Quote from Jake

Dr. Theresa Moore: Can I say hello to Brian, the bookkeeper from Central London?
Jake: [in a male, British accent] Cheers, I'm Brian. I like bookkeeping right in the middle of London. Did I tell you a full list of my many personalities when I called you on the ol' telly, innit?
Dr. Theresa Moore: Yes, you did.
Jake: And are any of 'em, hopefully, not from England?
Dr. Theresa Moore: There's Geoffrey. You said he's Australian.
Jake: Aww, crikey.

Quote from Jake

Dr. Theresa Moore: Well, Garrett, our time is up. Shall we pick up here next week?
Jake: No, I can't go. There's still someone left inside that wants to talk.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Do you mean Satchel, the "gentle African-American man who was born in 1908"?
Jake: Oh, no. You know what? Satchel probably shouldn't come out right now. Or ever, for that matter.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Garrett, I can only help you if you open up.
Jake: [sighs] [deep voice] And then Dufresne escaped through the tunnels of Shawshank Prison. He was my friend.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Are you just doing Morgan Freeman?
Jake: Ah, yes! You calling me on it just gave me a major breakthrough. I'm cured! Anyway, deuces, Doc!

Quote from Captain Holt

Jocelyn: Excuse me, do you have a less crinkly dollar I could trade you for?
Captain Holt: Of course I do. None of my dollars has a single crinkle. When they do, I steam them.
Jocelyn: Oh. Wow, that is crisp.
Captain Holt: Can't wait to get this baby home and flatten it out.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Listen, I'm sorry. I guess you were right about the therapist.
Jake: Yeah, well, that's nice of you to say, Charles, but actually, when I was stalling Dr. Tate, I started talking about my parents' divorce, and it felt really good. I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I think I'm gonna make an appointment with a shrink.
Charles: Jake, that is so great. And I know a guy who's really good. You will love having him inside of you.
Jake: Okay.
Charles: What? Oh, come on, mister. Grow up. Get your mind out of the gutter, ya perv!


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