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‘The Puzzle Master’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: The Puzzle Master

515. The Puzzle Master

Aired April 8, 2018

Jake surprises Amy with an investigation into a string of arsons connected to her favorite crossword puzzle author, Vin Stermley (guest star David Fumero). Meanwhile, Gina helps Holt jazz up his Commissioner candidate speech, and Terry, Rosa, Hitchcock and Scully argue over who is most deserving of the new detective car.

Quote from Captain Holt

Gina: I did a little sleuthing on your rivals. You want me to spill the beans?
Captain Holt: Why would you ever intentionally spill beans? They're one of nature's most densely packed protein sources, and they remain unsullied by flavor.


Quote from Amy

Amy: What's going on, Jake?
Jake: In one week, you will officially become a sergeant. Which means this case will be the last one we ever work together as detectives, so it has to be perfect. I present to you a serial arson case.
Amy: Mm-hmm.
Jake: And the fires seem to be connected to the Saturday crossword puzzle.
Amy: Mama like.
Jake: Two different buildings, two consecutive Saturdays, and a puzzle left at each crime scene, and a note was sent to the puzzle's author, Mr.
Melvin Stermley.
Amy: Melvin Stermley? He's the best in the game! He made a puzzle once where all the answers were just the word "puzzle" in different languages. In Estonian, it was moistatus.
Jake: Yeah, well, your moistatus is about to be hecka moist - Don't call HR, we are getting married - because Melvin Stermley is coming in to help us with the case!
Amy: Sha-wing!

Quote from Gina

Captain Olivia Crawford: Raymond Holt, I'm Captain Olivia Crawford. I'm the new candidate for commissioner.
Gina: Oh?
Captain Holt: Excuse me?
Captain Olivia Crawford: Yeah, I replaced the other candidate. He retired to spend more time with his grandchildren. Anyway, I just wanted to say what a privilege it is to be up for the same job as a man with your ... tenure.
Gina: Oh, damn, she paused, dude.
Captain Holt: In error, I am certain. Olivia, I may be older than you, but I am not some dinosaur intent on maintaining the status quo. For example, I would add a social media officer to every precinct.
Captain Olivia Crawford: Interesting. I plan on eliminating precincts all together.
Captain Holt: What, no precincts? That's not how we do things.
Captain Olivia Crawford: That's exactly what both John Kellys said.
Captain Holt: Oh no, she's the asteroid.
Gina: And I don't want to say you're a dinosaur, but [whispering] you're a dinosaur.

Quote from Hitchcock

Rosa: You cheated.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? I didn't cheat.
Rosa: I bet every slip in there says Terry.
Hitchcock: He filled it full of fake people. Who the hell is Norm?
Rosa: That's Scully's first name.
Hitchcock: It is?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Let me begin with a hilarious joke. I'm surprised I was on the short list for commissioner. After all, I am six feet tall.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: All right, Sarge. The car is yours.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? Why? I don't deserve that car.
Rosa: I don't know about that. I went back and watched the tapes to figure out how you did it. Right before the drawing, you got a peanut butter cup out of the freezer. The thing is, you don't eat sugar past 4:00 p.m.
Sergeant Jeffords: Could have been a cheat day.
Rosa: Oh, it was definitely a cheat day. You froze your slip of paper, so that when you pulled the name, all you had to do was find the cold one.
Sergeant Jeffords: So, you thought the way I cheated was so cool, you gave me the car?
Rosa: Yeah, but also while I was watching those tapes, I noticed all the nice crap you do for people. You got Gina a cushion for her chair. You let Charles show you 130 pictures of Nikolaj brushing his teeth. You Heimlich'd Scully twice.
Sergeant Jeffords: On the same peanut. I also solved a murder.
Rosa: Yeah, we all solve murders, but you, you let Hitchcock borrow a pair of your socks, because his somehow disintegrated. Anyway, I'm sorry I guilted you in the first place. You deserve that car.
Sergeant Jeffords: Thanks, Diaz.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Okay. I just won't ever open it. That way, I'll never get rejected.
Jake: Fine, I'll open it.
Amy: No! [grabs Jake's hand]
Jake: [bone cracking sound] Oh, whoa! Do it harder!

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: Fine, fine, tell me everything.
Gina: All right, have a seat. It's Gina time. Say hello to your compe-tish. Bryan McCann, John Kelly, and John Kelly. Yes, that's right, there are two John Kellys.
Captain Holt: How are these not the same man?
Gina: You should see their wives. Or should I say, wife.
Captain Holt: Good God!

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: How did you get Hitchcock and Scully to agree to this?
Rosa: I washed their car and told them it was a new one. They're napping in it right now.
Sergeant Jeffords: Smart!

Quote from Jake

Jake: Who's the anus loser now? [slips and lands his foot in the toilet bowl] It's still me.

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