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‘The Oolong Slayer’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: The Oolong Slayer

304. The Oolong Slayer

Aired October 18, 2015

When investigating a serial killer, Jake enlists Holt's help in an attempt to solve the case off the radar. At the precinct, Rosa and Amy are forced to deal with demands from an old adversary and Terry discovers a new obsession.

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: Let's not overlook the fact that he turned his crime scenes into tea parties for dollies.
Gina: Which suggests pre-adolescent trauma leading to a pattern of criminality that probably began as a juvenile. I'm taking an abnormal psych class, and everyone in it is obsessed with me.

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Quote from Gina

Jake: Wait a minute, I think I just figured something out. I got to go.
Gina: Aren't you forgetting something?
*Jake gives Gina a kiss on the forehead*
Gina: Uh no, pay your bill! Damn, who raised you?

Quote from Captain Holt

Madeline Wuntch: Oh, there it is. The shriveled husk of Raymond Holt.
Captain Holt: Look, Gina, is that a talking raisin?
Madeline Wuntch: Enough foreplay.

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: To catching a serial killer.
Jake: To catching a serial killer.
Gina: To Rihanna, because I love Rihanna.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I am straight-up depressed. Amy's been doing her best to cheer me up. She gave me this sticker this morning just for waking up.
Gina: Ew, it's like you're dating your teacher.
Jake: I know, it's so hot.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Charles: I don't mean to overstep here, but you're looking a little fat.
Oh, boy.
Sergeant Jeffords: How dare you? You can't comment on my body.
This is a workplace.
Now I'm feeling objectified by your male gaze.
Charles: Absolutely not. Sir, just listen.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, I don't want to listen, Boyle.
You are trying to shame me, and that will not fly.
Charles: Okay.
Sergeant Jeffords: Now I need some more nibs just to calm down.

Quote from Charles

Sergeant Jeffords: Ugh, all this paperwork is gonna straight-up kill me. How are you so chipper?
Charles: Oh, simple. I eat a cacao nib every time I close a case.
Sergeant Jeffords: A what?
Charles: A cacao nib. They're these happy little chocolaty delights from deep in the Peruvian rain forest.
Here, try one.
Sergeant Jeffords: Do I look like a man who snacks?
Charles: You look like eight circles with suspenders on.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Charles: But these aren't bad for you. They're full of fiber and antioxidants.
Go ahead, try one.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, fine. Just one.
Mmmm. Damn, these are good.
Charles: And plus, they're organic and fair trade.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry loves responsible agricultural practices.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, slayer. Prepare to go to jail for oolong time.
Captain Holt: Now say "punk."
Jake: Punk.
Captain Holt: Punk!
Jake: I said it.

Quote from Gina

Jake: Holy crap.
Captain Holt: No one can know about this, understood?
Jake: Understood.
Gina: Understood.
What? I hang out in the men's room all the time.
The acoustics are amazing.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Captain Holt? This can't be real. Someone please see him before I punch myself in the face.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: What's going on?
Jake: Well, Gina said we couldn't be seen together, and I need your help.
Looks like we've both got a pretty bad case of jerk boss.
Captain Holt: Yes, yours is an idiot, and mine is a fork-tongued lizard witch.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Oh, my God. You friended the vulture?
Amy: Well, he's not telling us anything, so it was the only way to figure out what he likes.
Rosa: Maybe this will help.
He just said his favorite color is underboob.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Your hard work just paid off.
Amy: The vulture is in a band? "Fantastic Jack and the Junkyard Rats."
Rosa: Just when I thought he couldn't be any more the worst, he out the worsts himself.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Are you insane? We were just suspended for screwing up this case.
I shouldn't even be talking to you.
Wuntch can probably hear us right now. She has super sonar hearing, because she's a bat.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Good morning.
Captain Holt: For whom?
Gina: For you-m.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Why do you follow people's directions when you could literally pick them up and throw them out the window?

Quote from Jake

Jake: This is so much fun!
Hit me in the face.
*groans* Oh, that was a terrible suggestion.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Pardon me. Did one of you order the hot plate of justice
Captain Holt: Peralta, what are you doing here?
Jake: Saving New York City from a maniacal-
Customer: Um, excuse me? Are those my eggs?
Jake: You kind of interrupted an incredible moment, but here, take that.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm Terry Jeffords, and when I put my mind to something, I do it. My resting heart rate is six. Six!

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Charles: I got the squad to volunteer a little bit of their off time to help you and your family out.
I'll make dinner once a week. Everyone else volunteered babysitting time. And Hitchcock offered massage sessions for your wife.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Charles: So I pepper sprayed him.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're a good man, Charles.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Unbelievable. What a waste of time.
Rosa: Disagree. This is an amazing use of time. We have complete control over that dummy's birthday party. We can ruin it.
Amy: Yeah, fun. I'll just mess up a captain's orders on purpose. It'll be so - I can't even fake it.

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: Gina, did you know about this?
Gina: Uh, tricking you was the only way I could get you to talk to him. Plus, you know I heart intrigue.

Quote from Gina

Jake: Wow. Never thought I'd live to see Holt side with the vulture and Wuntch.
Mark the day, Gina. May 18th at 4:00 p.m.
Gina: Oh, honey. We're well into October.

Quote from Amy

Rosa: Hiring him to play his own party is straight-up brilliant.
Amy: Yep, because everything he does is a prank on himself.
Rosa: Wow, you're an evil genius. Next time I want to hurt someone, I'm coming straight to you.
Amy: Aw, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: How can I ever thank you?
Charles: Start taking care of yourself again. I miss those gross, overly large muscles.
Sergeant Jeffords: Lay off my body, dude. I clearly got some stuff to work through.


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