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‘The Jimmy Jab Games II’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: The Jimmy Jab Games II

704. The Jimmy Jab Games II

Aired February 20, 2020

Competitive juices are flowing as Jake and the squad compete in the second Jimmy Jab Games.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: So Diaz, I figured out why you wanna win. I hacked your work calendar.
Rosa: Those calendars are public. Everyone on the system has access.
Captain Holt: I hacked it. I'm a hacker.

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Quote from Jake

Charles: Damn it, my pants. Sorry, everyone. Look away, look away.
Jake: Oh, damn.
Amy: Wow, who knew?
Jake: He really is the greatest showman.

Quote from Hitchcock

Charles: Okay, here we go, everyone. The game begins when the elevator doors ding. Are you ready for the Hellevator?
Hitchcock: Buckle up. The juice is loose! I am, Hitchcock!
Jake: What the [bleep]?

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Now, who's ready to compete?
Captain Holt: Count me in. I could really use this day off to spend some time with my husband.
Rosa: Oh, please. We all have loved ones. You're not getting any sympathy just because you're gay.
Jake: Rosa, I don't think he was-
Captain Holt: No, I was. She saw right through me. Nevertheless, I will destroy you all.
Jake: Copy that. I love your intensity.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Now, Gina is gone, so we're out of a host.
Charles: Me! Please, me. It's my time to shine. It's my "Greatest Showman" moment.
Jake: Charles, you can't.
Charles: You know who else they told "You can't"? Lettie Lutz, the bearded lady. But then, Mr. Barnum gave her a stage. Give me my stage, Jacob.
Jake: Wait, so you're the bearded lady?
Charles: No! I'm Barnum, you're Zac Efron, and everyone else is one of my freaks.
Jake: Look, I would love to give you the hosting duties so you can work through whatever weird fantasy this is, but we need at least six players and the host can't play.
Charles: Then I'll find someone to replace me. I promise you will have your circus, Mr. Barnum.
Jake: I thought you were Barnum.
Charles: No! I'm the greatest showman!
Jake: Isn't that Barnum?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: So, Diaz, I've never been more excited. My first time playing the Jimmy Jabs, and I'm destined to win. Look at my competition. Little Miss Hay For Brains. The Hay Brains, and King Brain Made of Hay.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Well, you're forgetting about me. I'm also your competition.
Captain Holt: Yes, but you don't normally care about games like these.
Rosa: Well, I do care about this game. And you're gonna lose because my brains aren't made of hay. My brains are made of brains.
Captain Holt: Oh, ho. The perfect retort.

Quote from Rosa

Captain Holt: Diaz, congratulations on moving on to the second round, said I, sarcastically.
Rosa: Oh, you're still in this. I knew a uniformed officer had been eliminated, I just couldn't remember which one.
Captain Holt: Okay, we're both great at insults. Let's move on. Tell me, why do you wanna win this game so badly?
Rosa: Honestly... I guess I still feel like my parents don't accept my sexuality. And winning this will let me prove to myself that as long as I feel good about who I am, that's all that matters.
Captain Holt: That's a load of dung. You processed that parent stuff a year ago.
Rosa: You're right, we're going to Drag Brunch this Sunday.

Quote from Charles

Scully: [to sniffer dog, Officer Frisbee] I'm a mop. Shh.
[later:]
Charles: The flattop has left the big top.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Jake!
Jake: What is that?
Amy: Grab the top one and yank the bottom one!
Jake: Oh, thank God that's what you meant. Although, I'm open to whatever you wanna try.

Quote from Amy

Sergeant Jeffords: Santiago and I are going to an administration workshop for the NYPD.
Amy: And it's voluntary, so only the cool kids are going to be there.
Jake: I love you so much. Continue.

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: So I bet you're wondering how I did so well in that last competition.
Jake: Actually, I was impressed you didn't eat any of the meat.
Hitchcock: Well, I don't deserve all the credit. Scully, show 'em what we're working with.
Scully: This is Dorothy, my pill box.
Jake: Good God.
Hitchcock: My friend here has dozens of medications prescribed for all of his ailments. They make him normal. They make me limitless.
Scully: This blood thinner can suppress appetite. This eczema pill can cause extreme muscle spasms.
Hitchcock: Which is pretty inconvenient, unless you need to hurl meat across the room.
Jake: My God. He's doping.
Scully: Welcome to the big leagues.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: It's not bad that I trust you more now. Plus, there's not even that much for you guys to do today. I mean, the squad is on reserve parade duty. Your job is to sit around.
Jake: Good point. Besides, what's the worst thing a responsible guy like me could do?
[later:]
Jake: Buckle your butts, everyone! The Jimmy Jab Games are back!

Quote from Jake

Amy: What the hell are you doing? Why did you just bet our new car?
Jake: Because it's fun. And because it's who I am. I mean, remember all those crazy bets we used to make when you were falling in love with me?
Amy: I remember the bets we made when I found you obnoxious and difficult to be around.
Jake: Yes, those bets. See, you remember. This is just like that.

Quote from Rosa

Captain Holt: Anyhow, you took a vacation 14 days ago, and yet, you already want another day off? Odd, unless you need it for a unique, once-in-a-lifetime occurrence. Perhaps a proposal to your girlfriend Jocelyn.
Rosa: What?
Captain Holt: You've been dating for a year, you've met each other's parents, and you just got your nails done to present her with a ring.
Rosa: Jocelyn broke up with me.
Captain Holt: What?
Rosa: I want the day off so I can sit alone and listen to death metal and get my head right.
Captain Holt: But what about my nail polish solve?
Rosa: Getting my nails done made me feel better for a second.
Captain Holt: Ahh! This is a trick to throw me off. I bet things are better than ever and you... Oh. You really are crying.

Quote from Jake

Amy: I don't get it. Why did you make this bet in the first place?
Jake: I don't know. Terry kept saying all that stuff about how I matured, and I got worried I was becoming a boring adult.
Amy: You are not a boring adult.
Jake: No. I am. You wanna know why I really wanted that year of no paperwork? It's so if we did get pregnant, I would have more time to help with the baby.
Amy: Aww.
Jake: No, save your "aww." I don't deserve it. I'm just some boring, responsible guy that's about to lose our car.
Amy: You're still pretty irresponsible.
Jake: Aww. You're just saying that 'cause you're my wife.
Amy: No, I'm not. Yesterday, you took the batteries out of our smoke detector to put in your Big Mouth Billy Bass.
Jake: You noticed.
Amy: Yeah. In a bad way.


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