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15Quotes from ‘The Honeypot’

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: The Honeypot

607. The Honeypot

Aired February 21, 2019

Jake and Holt clash over the merits of a new hire in the 99th precinct. Terry, Amy, Rosa and Charles try to do something about the cluttered bullpen.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Hey there, Captain. Oh, is this your new assistant?
John Urblan: John Urblan. Nice to meet ya.
Captain Holt: And John Urblan has just been fired.
Jake: What?
John Urblan: I have?
Captain Holt: Meet "ya"? You just abbreviated a one-syllable word.
John Urblan: Is this for real?
Captain Holt: Yes. Now clean out your "des." I removed the K so you'd understand how absurd "ya" sound.
Jake: Oh, boy. Sorry, John Urblan. Bye.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Okay, sir, so that is the third assistant you've fired in three days.
Captain Holt: Because all the candidates are garbage. Microsoft Word is not a special skill, Marcie Lux from South Orange.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Come on, look at the size of that stack of resumes. There's got to be someone good.
Captain Holt: Oh, yes, perhaps I should keep an open mind. Perhaps cross-country skiing is a valuable skill in an office environment, Marcie Lux of South Orange.
Jake: Okay, so we can agree Marcie Lux is out of the mix.

Quote from Amy

Charles: Look, I don't want to sound like a Scully here, but I think it's hopeless. Nobody could organize this place.
Sergeant Jeffords: Nobody?
[later:]
Amy: Here's what I need. Sticky notes, three sizes, ten colors. Permanent markers, clickable only. I don't want caps slowing us down. And I need garbage bags, 33 gallon, blackout, cinch top. What are you all still doing here? Go, go, go!

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Captain Holt, I'd like to introduce you to your new assistant. Drumroll, please. [Holt taps slowly] That's your drumroll?
Captain Holt: When a tempo isn't specified, any reasonable person would default to lento.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: So looks like Operation: Nasty is a full-on success, huh?
Captain Holt: You mean Operation: Nasty Sex Slut.
Jake: [murmuring]
Captain Holt: Didn't you see him flirting with me?
Jake: No, I most definitely did not.
Captain Holt: Then you're a blind man and a prude to boot. Did you see his tie? A single Windsor. The easiest knot to undo. Why bother wearing any clothes at all?
Jake: I think you badly misread that interaction.
Captain Holt: Please. He did everything but lick his lips and purr. Get rid of him, and bring me someone who can keep it in their slacks.

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: Did someone say to take off our slacks?
Jake: No, not even close.
Hitchcock: Oh. Well, keep me posted. My dogs are barking.
Jake: What dogs?

Quote from Rosa

Charles: This is cruel.
Amy: Munkensmat isn't cruel. It's freeing. When you cling to these things, you cling to the past, and you don't leave room for new experiences.
Rosa: Okay, what one thing should I keep? Hatchet or Blu-ray of "The Intern"?
Amy: You can always watch "The Intern" online.
Rosa: Not the extras. There's a virtual tour of Jules's kitchen. Monster.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Oh, I think you need to check your bag, Gordon.
Gordon Lundt: It's a small price to pay to make sure the barrels are protected.
Captain Holt: My thoughts exactly.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Okay, sir, I am cloning the hard drive. You should only have to distract him for three hours? Good Lord. Do you think that you can talk about barrels for three hours?
Captain Holt: Watch me. Ah, Gordon, take a gander at this brine barrel from 1787. It looks to me like the work of master hooper Josiah Wooldruff, who learned the craft from his father Jesiah Wooldruff, who in turn learned it from his.
Jake: I'm already so bored.
[later:]
Captain Holt: The slats are not flat. They're curved. The base of the barrel is approximately 20- Every barrel is inspected before usage. The key is that the oak was cured and shaped by Josiah's cousin Joshua, who was a cooper and not a hooper.
Jake: Wait, are you still at the same barrel? Please move on to another one. There are so many barrels in there.
Captain Holt: You know what? Let's look at that barrel.
Jake: Oh, thank God.
Captain Holt: It's a brine barrel as well. It was also made in the 1780s. In fact, it's identical to the last barrel. Let's review why that's interesting.
Jake: No!

Quote from Rosa

Amy: Now, in true Munkensmat, you pile all of your belongings on a raft, push it out to the icy sea, and set fire to it with a flaming arrow. But since we obviously don't have an archer-
Rosa: I'm an archer. I have like six bows in my car.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Look, I haven't found anything, okay? Not a single email between Kelly and Gordon.
Captain Holt: So I whored myself out at that museum for nothing.
Jake: Not entirely for nothing. You know? We had fun. Sneaking around, bribing people, lying, stealing stuff.
Captain Holt: Coming home and having my husband ask me why I smelled like barrels?
Jake: Seriously? What did you say?
Captain Holt: I told him everything. He understood, until I showed him a picture of Gordon. The thought of me at a museum with that ten? He banished me to the guest room.

Quote from Captain Holt

Gordon Lundt: The plan was for me to weaken your defenses with my brazen sexuality.
Jake: I wouldn't say "brazen" so much as "completely undetectable."
Gordon Lundt: I couldn't have been more obvious. I wore a single Windsor knot. I might as well have a sign around my neck that reads "DTF."
Captain Holt: "Desiring Thorough Fornication."
Jake: Nope.
Gordon Lundt: Exactly.
Jake: Oh.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: I'm so sorry, sir. This is all my fault. Operation: Double Dragon was a debacle.
Captain Holt: Yes, it was. If only someone had thought to plan a backup operation.
Jake: Did you do something cool?
Captain Holt: I did something very cool. While I was banished to the guest room, I flipped across one of those Thomas Cruise films on Home Box Office, and I realized something. On a spy mission, there's always another twist.
John Kelly: What are you saying?
Captain Holt: I'm saying I knew you would triple-cross our double-cross, so I planted a microphone in the napkin holder. There's one in the flowerpot. Ketchup, mustard. There are mics in both.
Jake: Where?
Captain Holt: In the tips.
Jake: Oh, this is so great. Where else are there mics?
Captain Holt: Nowhere.
Jake: Oh.
Captain Holt: But there are cameras! There's a camera, there's a camera, and there's a camera. I've got you on tape, Kelly. You're screwed. The only thing that's gonna be on your desk in the morning is a list of my demands. Operation: Triple Dragon is complete.
Jake: You named it.
Captain Holt: Not only did I name it, Triple Dragon is an acronym. Two Righteous Individuals Performing Law Enforcement Directives Rapidly Against Gordon Our Nemesis. Triple Dragon!
Jake: This is the best thing that's ever happened!

Quote from Amy

Captain Holt: As a matter of fact, I'd like to take you out tonight for a thank-you dinner.
Jake: Oh, I would love that, but I'm gonna have to take a rain check, 'cause Amy and I already have plans. Although I'm pretty sure you would approve.
[later:]
Jake: So this is a brine barrel. It's made by Josiah Wooldruff, who learned the craft from his father Jesiah Wooldruff, who in turn learned- You know what? This was a terrible idea. I'm sorry.
Amy: Don't you dare stop.
Jake: Oh. Okay. [clears throat] Josiah's cousin Joshua was a cooper, not a hooper.
Amy: Oh, mama.


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