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17Quotes from ‘The Golden Child’

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: The Golden Child

609. The Golden Child

Aired March 7, 2019

Jake helps Amy navigate the complicated relationship she has with her brother, David. Charles introduces some drama into an undercover mission involving Terry and Holt.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Ames, super important question. Which one of these shirts should I wear to dinner with your mom tonight?
Rosa: Those are exactly the same.
Jake: I have a signature look, Rosa.

Quote from Captain Holt

Charles: Hey, Captain, Sarge, I have a case I want to discuss with you.
Captain Holt: You want to talk about work in the break room? That's highly unorthodox, but I suppose we can give it a try.
Charles: Okay, so I have a perp-
Captain Holt: I'm sorry, this is insane. Let's talk in my office.

Quote from Charles

Charles: I want to send someone into holding, undercover as a perp, to see if they can get him to open up.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why don't you do it? You're always going on about your acting abilities and that time you played Annie.
Charles: I'm an adult man, Sarge. I didn't play Annie. I was in "Annie." I played Miss Hannigan.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Sir, you wanted to see me?
Captain Holt: Yes, I have an assignment for you. I'm afraid it's not a pleasant one.
Jake: Oh, my God. Please tell me it's not-
Captain Holt: Yes, it's Hitchcock related.
Jake: Son of a bitch.
Captain Holt: Detective Hitchcock is set to testify in court this afternoon. It's an important case, and I'd rather not get another call from the DA saying he showed up, quote, covered in condiments, unquote.

Quote from Charles

Amy: Put on a T-shirt for all I care. It doesn't matter what you wear.
Charles: Of course it matters. He has to wear the smaller checks. Big checks wash him out. Where are you, Amy?

Quote from Jake

Hitchcock: Ooh, and does this David have a sister?
Jake: Yes. Amy is his sister.
Hitchcock: And what's her deal?
Jake: You were at the wedding, Hitchcock.

Quote from Amy

Amy: I'm just gonna call and cancel. I really don't want to have dinner with my mom fawning all over the golden boy.
Rosa: I'm sure your mom loves you both equally.
Jake: No, she definitely doesn't.
Amy: My parents arrange the photos of their kids by who makes them the proudest. Number one goes on the mantel above the fireplace, two through four on the piano, and the rest are on the staircase.
Rosa: This is wack. So David's on the mantel?
Amy: Always. Meanwhile, my picture gathers dust on the piano.
Rosa: The piano's not that bad.
Amy: Nobody in the family even plays, Rosa. At least people use the stairs.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Charles: Unfortunately, Alfonso knows I'm a cop, so I can't be Maxwell Blaze. But Terry might be right for the role.
Sergeant Jeffords: Ooh, that sounds fun. I love flexing my creative muscles. In addition to flexing my actual muscles.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Or I could do it.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? You hate theater. You always say acting is just professional lying.
Captain Holt: Yes, but this is what the mission calls for, and I'm good at it.
Kevin and I went to a dinner party where we played the French parlor game "charades." I had to act out Elvis Presley. He's dead now, so I portrayed him as such. Everyone understood [snaps fingers] immediately.

Quote from Captain Holt

Charles: So, Maxwell, what was your childhood like?
Sergeant Jeffords: I was a lookout at 8, had my own corner at 10, trigger man at 13. You know what it's like to look a man in his eyes as the life drains out of him?
Captain Holt: I was bad from a young age. At school, I pushed people. And this wasn't horseplay. This was pushing to hurt.
Charles: Do you have a girlfriend at home?
Sergeant Jeffords: Used to. She got tired of me getting locked up. She's with my brother now. He better hope I never find his ass.
Captain Holt: I do, and you should see her heavy, feminine breasts, with their perfectly placed nipples. Don't get me started on her can.
Charles: What's your greatest fear?
Sergeant Jeffords: I ain't scared of nothing.
Captain Holt: My girlfriend. I'm scared she'll find out about my mistress, who also has a perfect can. It's smaller, but it's harder.

Quote from Scully

Amy: Hey, Scully, did you do something new with your hair?
Scully: Same thing as always: put mousse in it while it's wet, then I watch a scary movie.

Quote from Scully

Charles: Okay, first of all, I want to say that this was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. There is so much talent in this room.
Scully: Just tell us, bitch. Act as if you already have the role.

Quote from Jake

David Santiago: Everything I've said before just now is a lie. I'm being framed. I've been investigating these dirty cops who are being paid off by the Brazilian mob.
Jake: Oh, Brazilian mobsters are so good-looking. They're just a bunch of Giseles, the women and the men.
David Santiago: Yes, it's insane. They're all gorgeous.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: So, what they got you in here for?
Alfonso Tucker: Drugs. They want me to flip, but I'm no snitch. I'd rather do the time. How about you?
Captain Holt: I pushed a man, just to see him frown.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Well, I'm very proud of you, and I also wish you had told me that before you went to the bathroom, because I really roasted your mom back there.
[cut to Jake at the table with David and Camila Santiago:]
Jake: And another thing, you should appreciate Amy more, because she's amazing.
And another thing, when you come to visit us, you don't have to bring your own coffee. Our coffee is fine. And another thing, I know enough Spanish to understand what idiota means! And another thing! When you say I have an "interesting nose," I know you mean big!
[present:]
Jake: I got lost in it. There were, like, 35 "another things."

Quote from Amy

Amy: It doesn't matter, because the night is already ruined. My stupid mother invited my stupid brother David to join us.
Rosa: I thought you liked your brothers.
Amy: I have seven brothers, Rosa, and I like all of them except David. Perfect David. David graduated at the top of his class at the police academy. David took a bullet for the mayor. David bakes his own bread.

Quote from Scully

Jake: All right, David is perfect, but so are you. Let's just go tonight, and I'll be your hype man. You know how good I am at talking you up. Here, watch. Hey, Scully. Did you know that Amy is super cool?
Scully: No way. Can I get your autograph, ma'am?
Jake: See?
Amy: Fine, we'll go.
Scully: What, too stuck up for your fans? Ya friggin' turd!


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