TV Quotes

Madeline Wuntch: Hello, Raymond. How do you like my new office? Twentieth floor.
Captain Holt: Yes, I never thought I'd see you this high without a broom under you.

Jake: Okay, just so we're clear, from this point forward, my call sign will be Death Blade.
Charles: And I'll be Rum-tum-tugger.
Jake: No, Boyle, no characters from Cats. Dig deep. Think of something scary.
Charles: Adolf Hitler.
Jake: No! You will be Sidewinder.
Charles: All right, but I'm more scared of Hitler.

Jake: Captain, quick update. Another one of the Fulton Street Four was murdered here this morning.
Captain Holt: Huh. I'm surprised you're not celebrating inappropriately.
Jake: This is a crime scene and I'm a professional.
Captain Holt: You did it before I showed up?
Jake: Yep, that is exactly correct.

Captain Holt: Bing-pot!

Jake: That's not what I meant. No, we have to fight her.
Captain Holt: We're not going to fight her. She's the devil. And you don't dance with the devil because you get burned. Also, because in Madeline's case she has no rhythm, and her hands are like little rat claws.

Amy: Hello, friends. Who here would like to see a presentation of crime statistics as a function of demographics and time? Who wants to see a picture of a dead body?

Sergeant Jeffords: We've got to make this place kid-friendly. No crime scene photos lying about.
Hitchcock: That's not a crime scene. That's a boudouir photo I'm having framed for my wife. That's me underneath the mask.

Sergeant Jeffords: My girls are on the waitlist for their preschool, and it's twice as tough to get in with twins.
Rosa: Why don't you just get one of them in, and let them take turns going to school every other day?
Sergeant Jeffords: Diaz, that's crazy. I asked my wife and she said no.

Amy: I wish I could go back to middle school knowing what I know now. I'd be so cool. And I'd get to retake all the tests, and update some book reports.

Jake: Sir, with all due respect, this is an epic case. It's the reason I became a cop. Hunting down a murderer, recovering millions in stolen money, rappelling out of a chopper with a knife between my teeth.
Captain Holt: Why would you jump out of a helicopter with a knife in your mouth?
Jake: It's called a chopper. And the knife is in my mouth because both of my hands are holding giant machine guns. And that's how it's going down.

Jake: Oh man, look at the captain. He's pacing slowly. For him that's like a full on rage-fuelled freak out.
Charles: The only thing worse is when he stands perfectly still.
Oh no, he's standing perfectly still.

Jake: Did you know that my dream has always been to have my picture taken with a mountain of recovered cash?
Charles: And it's always been my dream to take that picture of you, Jake.

Amy: I'm in! A bet which improves someone's manners? Double score.

Jake: For the record, you're turning this murder scene into a real bummer-scape.

Sergeant Jeffords: Here's my desk. You can tell by the framed two-hundred piece puzzle my three-year-olds put together on their own.
School Administrator: That's very advanced, Sergeant Jeffords.
Sergeant Jeffords: Is it? I wouldn't know what milestones are impressive to a school's admissions officer. They can count to twenty in English and Mandarin.

Captain Holt: Wuntch is up to something. There's only one reason she would let us keep this case.
Jake: She took one look at me and said that's the guy I want flying my chopper.
Charles: Ooh, you know how to fly a chopper?
Jake: How hard can it be? It's just a big fan that goes in the sky.

Jake: Bing-pot!
Nope, I was gonna say bingo and then I was like jackpot's better, but then it was too late, I was half way through the word.
Charles: Bing-pot works. It's taking off.
Jake: It's taking off.

Captain Holt: Maybe we should take the chopper.
Jake: You said chopper!
Captain Holt: Deathblade! Sidewinder! It's go time!
Jake: Roger that, wet blanket.
Captain Holt: No, from now on, call me Velvet Thunder.

Amy: I'm sorry. I tried to be myself and they hated it.

Captain Holt: Unfortunately because this case has turned out to be important, that she-skunk Madeline Wuntch has her hind quarters pointed right at it. She wants to see us in her office. No doubt to give the case to Major Crimes.

Jake: We can't let that happen. Sir, we have to do something.
Charles: Fine, I'll seduce her. I'll just put on my bike shorts and give her a glimpse of the quad cities.

Jake: I would have preferred a dilapidated lighthouse or an abandoned barn, but I can embellish in my memoirs.

Jake: Oh hey, tell your men if they find the money first, I get to riffle it next to my ear and go "It's all here."
Charles: Already told them, Jake.
Jake: Love you, bud.

Sergeant Jeffords: Reminder. Tomorrow, we are hosting a field trip for the Brooklyn Park Magnet school.
Scully: Sorry, Sarge. I can't be around magnets; pacemaker.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm actually not going to correct you on that.