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‘The Audit’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: The Audit

413. The Audit

Aired April 11, 2017

With the crime rate lowered, Brooklyn will be shutting down one of its precincts - permanently. The Nine-Nine is confident they will be evaluated fairly, until the official auditor turns out to be Amy's ex-boyfriend, Teddy. The whole squad then must band together to try to save the precinct.

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: The auditor will start by joining Peralta and Santiago on their gang stakeout because-
Charles: They're America's dream couple.
Captain Holt: You need to calm down. We're in a workplace.


Quote from Jake

Jake: He's gonna shut this place down, and we're gonna get shipped off to separate precincts. I don't think our relationship can survive that.
Amy: I mean, even if we don't work together, we can still be a couple.
Jake: If I don't see you every day, I will forget who you are. I'm like a goldfish.

Quote from Captain Holt

Teddy: You know what? We're just looking to eliminate waste.
Captain Holt: I assure you, you'll find zero waste here.
Teddy: Really? Because I did notice during my preliminary examination that you recently purchased a $21,000 copy machine?
Captain Holt: Well, that machine saves money in terms of man-hours. Uh, if you excuse me, Sergeant Wells, we need to go to the BRB. It's BRB time. We're BRB-ing.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Make space.
Jake: You make space! This closet is for people who are freaking out.
Captain Holt: Oh, I'm fully freaking out. I just experimented with an unfamiliar acronym in public. BRB what does it even mean?
Jake: Be right back.
Captain Holt: It has the same number of syllables as the acronym. What's the point?

Quote from Charles

Charles: Oh, God, they're gonna shut this precinct down and separate me and Jake. Our friendship is over. If he doesn't see my face every day, he'll forget who I am. He's like a goldfish.

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: Now, what do we do about the rats?
Charles: Well, lucky for us, I have recently come into a lot of wolf urine.
Rosa: That's lucky for us how?
Charles: It creates a scent impression that there are predators nearby. I've been dousing Nikolaj's shoes with it to scare off bullies at his preschool.
Rosa: Did it work?
Charles: No, now they call him pee boy. He's much worse off. But wolf urine definitely scares off rats. We can use it to herd them toward the traps.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Captain Holt: Sergeant, please tell me this malfunctioning copier isn't gonna sink our precinct.
Sergeant Jeffords: I figured out how to turn it on, but the screen just shows a cartoon turtle sobbing.
Captain Holt: Perhaps it's a paper jam.
Sergeant Jeffords: And what about when the little sushi roll comes out and cuts the turtle's head off?
Captain Holt: Toner issue.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why?!

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: There's something I'd like to show you, Captain.
(Japanese copier starts up)
Captain Holt: "Terry crushed it." It works! I've never been more proud of you for anything in your life.
Sergeant Jeffords: I mean, I've solved a lot of cases for you.
Captain Holt: And yet crime has continued.

Quote from Hitchcock

Gina: What are you saying, Terry? You think I can't handle being back yet? (CHUCKLES) Watch this. (Gina dances to Salt 'n Peppa's "Push It" in a stilted, robotic manner while screaming in agony)
Hitchcock: Gina Linetti is back, baby!

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