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‘The Apartment’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: The Apartment

118. The Apartment

Aired February 25, 2014

Jake's debts finally catch up with him and put him in danger of losing his apartment, unless Gina finds a way to bail him out. Meanwhile, Captain Holt and Sergeant Jeffords hold performance reviews for everybody at the precinct, and Rosa and Boyle have a conflict with one of the weekend officers.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

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Quote from Amy

Captain Holt: Santiago!
Amy: Oh no, Santiago in B-flat. You're disappointed.

Quote from Gina

Jake: So, hit me. How much do I have to cut back to keep this place?
Gina: Infinity percent.
Technically speaking, you're bankrupt, kiddo.
Jake: That sounds bad.
Gina: It is bad. I only said "kiddo" to soften the blow, kiddo.

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: Not to brag, but Scully and I have a combined total of 14 arrests. Would've been 20 but we only got 14.
Captain Holt: That's not enough arrests.
Hitchcock: Well, no one asked you. It's a self-evaluation.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Sir, I think I speak for all of us when-
Rosa: She doesn't.
Jake: She doesn't.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Next time I catch him shaving I'm gonna punch him so hard in the mouth that he bites his own heart.

Quote from Amy

Amy: You wanted to see me sirs? I was reading the sergeant's lips through the window. He either said "bring in Santiago next" or something about a San Diego nest.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I didn't wanna do this, but I do know one way we could get the money.
Gina: You'd make a decent prostitute.
Jake: I'd make an amazing prostitute.

Quote from Gina

Jake: So, talk to me, goose. How are we looking?
Gina: Sexy, but not like we're trying too hard. Like, sure, we're trying, but it's almost effortless.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Jake, he is a sea-witch in disguise, do not sing into his shell.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: I feel like a proud mama hen whose baby chicks have learned to fly!

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: I know you'd all rather be at home binge-watching media content.
Jake: Oh, I just started the second season of Media Content. No spoilers!

Quote from Gina

Gina: Jake, he is a sea witch in disguise. Do not sing into his shell.
Jake: I have no idea what you're talking about right now.
Gina: Oh, little mermaid. What have you done?

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Amy: Okay, sirs. I know why you weren't happy with my self-evaluation. You didn't want me to say flaws that were actually positive. Like how the sergeant always say it's bad that he works out too much.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey! Why the drive by?

Quote from Jake

Jake: When did everyone decide to become an adult? I mean, I know you were born in your fifties, but come on.
Amy: Thanks?

Quote from Gina

Gina: But watching Oprah have brunch with her strong female friends has taught me that it's okay to forgive.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Peralta, I will not give you a cool half-mil because you had a slightly sad childhood. Go solve your housing crisis.

Quote from Jake

Gina: Jake, you have six massage chairs.
Jake: Well they don't make a massage couch.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Can I go with him? Nana made me the intelligent, sensuous woman I am today.
Sergeant Jeffords: Weird way to describe a grandma's influence on you.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Maybe you're not thinking this through.
Jake: Says the woman who's been engaged eight times.
Gina: Uh, but never married once. Game, set, match. Linetti.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Boyle, call an ambulance. I'm gonna do some stuff to him.

Quote from Jake

Gina: Shall we turn some lights on?
Jake: Trying to save electricity, Gina.
Gina: Your massage chair is on.
Jake: Yeah, I'm poor. I'm not a savage.


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