TV Quotes

Captain Holt: Look, we need to solve this to prove to that idiot John Kelly, how inane and useless his little app is.
Jake: Oh dip. I see what's going on. Holt is feeling petty.
Captain Holt: I'm not being petty. I can assure you my feelings about John Kelly are purely professional.
Jake: Are they? Because every time his name is brought up in our group text thread you immediately send back a super catty GIF of some lady from "The Durrells in Corfu" rolling her eyes.
Captain Holt: That's Louisa Durrell, exasperated by the pace of life on Corfu.

Jake: Worst prank ever. So stupid. Holt's not even going to notice.
Captain Holt: Good morning. You guys the podium, it's... Ha. [chuckles] [laughter intensifies] [riotous laughter] [shouting] You're crazy! How did you pull this off?

Captain Holt: [on the phone] Yes, Kevin, they moved it a full half inch. I'll tell you the entire story tonight. I love you as well. Goodbye. Oh, that was a fun several moments.

Caleb: You know what? There was some weird guy on the forum recently.
Charles: The forum?
Caleb: Yeah, it's a chat room for people who like to talk about eating human beings but definitely won't act on it. Wink. Yeah, it's hosted on-
All: Reddit.

Rosa: Hey Terry, you okay? You skipped all your lunches.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm going through the budget to see if there's any way we could save enough money for me to stay here.
Amy: You find anything yet?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, we could switch to generic printer ink, cut down on custodial services, and stop buying office birthday cakes.
Scully: Over my dead body!
Sergeant Jeffords: It's just an idea.
Scully: Well, take it off the table!
Sergeant Jeffords: Damn, Scully, fine.

Charles: Um, we have a solid lead. Suspicious online behavior from someone using the name Jamburger77.
Jake: There's only one person in the tri-state area with that surname, Eileen Jamburger. 101 years old, and immediately racist on the phone. She is not a suspect at this time.

Jake: Captain. How'd you know we were here?
Captain Holt: I followed you. John Kelly gave you a "Hot Clue," didn't he? How dare you disobey me.
Jake: Come on, sir, it was a good tip and we're trying to catch a serial killer.
Captain Holt: Well then let's see this tip, this groundbreaking tip that threatens to blow the case wide open.
Jake: Okay, I know this tone. Here comes petty Holt.
Captain Holt: Naw, bitch. I'm not being petty.
Jake: You just said, "naw, bitch."

Captain Holt: Show me the tip.
Jake: [whispers] Title of your sex tape.

Charles: Patrols have searched a five-block radius. No sign of the perp.
Jake: And there were no prints. He was wearing gloves.
Charles: Like the inimitable Audrey Hepburn.
Jake: Nope.

Rosa: We could stop paying for an exterminator. It's pointless. We all have guns.

Rosa: You know, some people say, "Mo money, mo problems," but those people are idiots. Money's amazing.

Rosa: So that's it, then.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yup. Next week is my last week at the Nine-Nine.
Brian Floomryde: Attention, everyone. I will be giving up singing. This will be my final performance. [loud and off-key] One pound two ounces-
Amy: Not now, Brian!