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‘Sicko’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Sicko

617. Sicko

Aired May 16, 2019

Jake and Charles investigate a dangerous serial killer. Holt continues to spar with his rival, Commissioner Kelly. Terry finds out about whether or not he has passed the lieutenant's exam.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Look, we need to solve this to prove to that idiot John Kelly, how inane and useless his little app is.
Jake: Oh dip. I see what's going on. Holt is feeling petty.
Captain Holt: I'm not being petty. I can assure you my feelings about John Kelly are purely professional.
Jake: Are they? Because every time his name is brought up in our group text thread you immediately send back a super catty GIF of some lady from "The Durrells in Corfu" rolling her eyes.
Captain Holt: That's Louisa Durrell, exasperated by the pace of life on Corfu.


Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Worst prank ever. So stupid. Holt's not even going to notice.
Captain Holt: Good morning. You guys the podium, it's... Ha. [chuckles] [laughter intensifies] [riotous laughter] [shouting] You're crazy! How did you pull this off?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: [on the phone] Yes, Kevin, they moved it a full half inch. I'll tell you the entire story tonight. I love you as well. Goodbye. Oh, that was a fun several moments.

Quote from Jake

Caleb: You know what? There was some weird guy on the forum recently.
Charles: The forum?
Caleb: Yeah, it's a chat room for people who like to talk about eating human beings but definitely won't act on it. Wink. Yeah, it's hosted on-
All: Reddit.

Quote from Jake

Charles: Um, we have a solid lead. Suspicious online behavior from someone using the name Jamburger77.
Jake: There's only one person in the tri-state area with that surname, Eileen Jamburger. 101 years old, and immediately racist on the phone. She is not a suspect at this time.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Captain. How'd you know we were here?
Captain Holt: I followed you. John Kelly gave you a "Hot Clue," didn't he? How dare you disobey me.
Jake: Come on, sir, it was a good tip and we're trying to catch a serial killer.
Captain Holt: Well then let's see this tip, this groundbreaking tip that threatens to blow the case wide open.
Jake: Okay, I know this tone. Here comes petty Holt.
Captain Holt: Naw, bitch. I'm not being petty.
Jake: You just said, "naw, bitch."

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Show me the tip.
Jake: [whispers] Title of your sex tape.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Patrols have searched a five-block radius. No sign of the perp.
Jake: And there were no prints. He was wearing gloves.
Charles: Like the inimitable Audrey Hepburn.
Jake: Nope.

Quote from Scully

Rosa: Hey Terry, you okay? You skipped all your lunches.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm going through the budget to see if there's any way we could save enough money for me to stay here.
Amy: You find anything yet?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, we could switch to generic printer ink, cut down on custodial services, and stop buying office birthday cakes.
Scully: Over my dead body!
Sergeant Jeffords: It's just an idea.
Scully: Well, take it off the table!
Sergeant Jeffords: Damn, Scully, fine.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: We could stop paying for an exterminator. It's pointless. We all have guns.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: You know, some people say, "Mo money, mo problems," but those people are idiots. Money's amazing.

Quote from Amy

Rosa: So that's it, then.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yup. Next week is my last week at the Nine-Nine.
Brian Floomryde: Attention, everyone. I will be giving up singing. This will be my final performance. [loud and off-key] One pound two ounces-
Amy: Not now, Brian!

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