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‘Sal's Pizza’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Sal's Pizza

109. Sal's Pizza

Aired November 19, 2013

When Jake's favorite pizza place burns down, he sets out to prove the Fire Marshall wrong after Sal is accused of burning down his own restaurant. Meanwhile, a computer virus at the precinct causes embarrassment when it prints out everybody's browser history.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Cory: It was like taking candy from a baby.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why are you giving candy to a baby in the first place? Don't give candy to a baby! They can't brush their teeth!


Quote from Gina

Gina: Captain, turn your greatest weakness into your greatest strength. Like Paris Hilton, re: sex tape.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Plus, we already have the perfect candidate already, Savant.
Sergeant Jeffords: That punk who hacked us?
Gina: Precisely. Captain, turn your greatest weakness into your greatest strength. Like Paris Hilton re her sex tape.
Captain Holt: Get to the point.
Gina: Savant tore our walls down, but he can build them back up. Taller and thicker than ever.
Sergeant Jeffords: But how can we be sure he won't turn on us?
Gina: His mom ratted him out, so I bet he'd love a steady pay check to get out of that snitch's house. Oh, if I had a mic right now, I'd drop it.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Uh, actually, someone reported they couldn't find your head. But we found it, it was up your butt. You're a fire man, you should know how to treat that burn.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: Let's see. Sergeant Jeffords searched "undiscovered muscle".
Sergeant Jeffords: I was working out and I saw a muscle in my shoulder I'd never seen before. I thought it might have been a scientific discovery.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Listen to this. Scully searched for how much fudge is in a calorie.

Quote from Scully

Scully: I found my gun. It was in my holster. My holster's on my butt.

Quote from Gina

Gina: That guy? No way. He yelled at me when I asked him the same question about Jay-Z three times in a row.
Captain Holt: Why does that matter?
Gina: Because whoever takes this IT job is going to have to deal with Hitchcock asking him how to log in to his email every single day forever. How do you think Professor Short-fuse is going to handle that?

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: We work in a police force full of dudes. We got to have each other's backs, okay?
Amy: You're saying you have my back?
Rosa: Yeah, I got your back. Don't smile. I'm still mad at you.
Amy: I thought we were having a moment.
Rosa: Moment's over. Shut up.

Quote from Amy

Captain Holt: Good solve on the Herman Avenue burglaries. Finish up the paperwork as soon as possible.
Amy: Your wish is my command.
Captain Holt: No, that was actually a command. So, my command is your command.
Amy: Well, I guess you still have all three of your wishes.
Rosa: You're not a genie.
Amy: I know that. Uh, okay, we're leaving.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: According to Charles' e-mail blast, it's actually #8.
Charles: Captain reads my blast.
Captain Holt: Of course. It's the only one that measures mouth feel.
Jake: What, are you kidding right now?

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: It's whack, and you know it! Their number one crime is tricycle theft. There's a bakery attached to the precinct.

Quote from Jake

Fire Marshall Boone: Why don't you back off and let New York's Bravest handle it?
Jake: You know they only call you that because New York's Best at Spraying Stuff with Water is too wordy.

Quote from Gina

Sergeant Jeffords: Fine. How about this guy?
Gina: No, that guy was scared of everything! Do you remember Rosa's reaction last time the printer jammed?

Quote from Charles

Jake: Like I said, Sal's is an institution, and it's the best pizza in the neighborhood.
Charles: I'm sorry, Jake. Sal's is only the 8th best. I've put out a weekly Brooklyn pizza ranking e-mail blast. Sal's has the 4th best texture, 9th best crust, 12th best cheese, and honestly, they're only 7th in mouth feel.
Jake: Mouth feel? What is that?
Charles: The inside of your cheeks are very sensitive. It's like the inside of your thighs except with a tongue.

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