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‘Ransom’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Ransom

712. Ransom

Aired April 16, 2020

Holt asks for Jake's help in a case that is exceptionally meaningful to him. Charles and Terry work together on a side business.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, I'm approaching the drop site. I don't see anything unusual.
Captain Holt: We have eyes on you. Just be natural.
Jake: Indeed, I will. Oh, look, a yellow crested warbler.
Kevin: Very good.
Jake: [phone ringing] He's calling. Wait, Kevin, we didn't go over how you answer the phone.
Captain Holt: There isn't time. Just answer.
Jake: Okay. [answers phone] You've reached Professor Kevin Cozner. Please start speaking when I finish this sentence.

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Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Someone took our fluffy boy.
Jake: Oh, my God. What happened?
Kevin: Well, Cheddar and I walked to the bakery together, we shared a plain scone. Then we went to the park, and I let him off leash. He... never came back.
Captain Holt: Someone took our fluffy boy.
Jake: Right, you mentioned that. Now, just to be clear, you didn't actually see someone take him, right? So there's a chance Cheddar just ran away. You know like some dogs do.
Captain Holt: Cheddar isn't some dog. He would never do that. Someone took our...
Jake: Fluffy boy, yes, I understand.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: He's calling.
Jake: Sir, remember, we need two minutes for the trace.
Captain Holt: Two minutes, understood.
Jake: So just keep him talking and stay calm.
Captain Holt: Peralta, I'm in complete control.
Man: [disguised voice on the phone] Hello?
Captain Holt: Shut your damn mouth. I'm the one talking here.
Man: Then this is over. [beep]
Jake: And he hung up. Well, that could've gone better.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Bone broth! It's an old Boyle family recipe. I drink it after every workout, and I'm never sore.
Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle, I don't think we're maxing out at the same weight at the gym.
Charles: Oh, Terry, they're just numbers. You'll get there.

Quote from Charles

Sergeant Jeffords: You know, I bet we could sell this stuff.
Charles: You really think so? [gasps] We can call our company "The Bone Boys." No! "More Bone, Less Moan." No! "Workplace Bone Buds." That's the one. I'm registering it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Ewh, we can name the company later.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Okay, if we're gonna pull this off, we need to teach you how to move, talk, and act exactly like Kevin.
Kevin: In other words we have a "Pygmalion" situation.
Jake: Exactly, a "pig mailman" situation.

Quote from Jake

Jake: The 92nd Street Y, I had a wonderful symposium on just that topic.
Kevin: That's it. You're getting it.
Jake: Ah, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Captain Holt: Don't say "cool," instead say "indeed."
Jake: Oh, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed. [laughs] It's weird.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Freeze!
Jake: Captain! Captain!
Captain Holt: He's not getting away! He took my dog!
[Captain Holt jumps on top of Kingston's car]
Jake: Oh, my God. It's happening!
[While clinging onto the roof of Kingston's car, Holt disarms him of his pistol. Kingston breaks hard, hurling Holt of the roof. Kingston gets out, kicks Holt's gun away and flicks out a switchblade]
Captain Holt: Aah! Oh, I see you have a knife. But what you need is an umbrella.
Jake: Tell him why. Tell him why!
Captain Holt: 'Cause there's a [bleep]storm gonna rain down on you, punk!
[Holt and Kingston fight]
Jake: My goodness.
[The fight continues]
Captain Holt: You took the wrong fluffy boy! [knockout blow] He's done, cuff him.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: That was the single coolest thing that has ever happened.
Captain Holt: Relax, Peralta. That wasn't even the coolest thing I've ever done.
Jake: What have you done that's cooler?
Captain Holt: It was the '80s. It was nothing, I mean, they made a movie out of it, but whatever.
Jake: What? What movie?
Captain Holt: I don't remember the title. Uh, there was a crime on a plane, I was a passenger.
Jake: Was it "Passenger 57?"
Captain Holt: I honestly don't know.
Jake: It had to have been. Just say it was that.
Captain Holt: You know, Peralta, sometimes I don't understand the words coming out of your mouth.
Jake: Oh, my God, was it "Rush Hour?"
Captain Holt: What? No. You know what? I'm too old for this crap.
Jake: It was "Lethal Weapon?!" Sir, are you Murtaugh?! Does that make me Riggs? I'm Riggs!

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Just please, stop it. I'm gonna take Kevin to the park where Cheddar was kidnapped and look for clues. I need you to stay here, go through those files, and put together a list of potential suspects. Can you do that?
Captain Holt: Okay, fine. I'll go through the files.
Jake: Great. You realize I can't leave until you put the grenades back, right?
Captain Holt: Oh, but you let John Wicks have grenades?
Jake: It's "Wick." Singular. Just put 'em back.

Quote from Charles

Sergeant Jeffords: Charles, this Boyle bone broth is incredible. I'm not sore at all anymore.
Charles: I told you it works. The Boyles used to drink it during potato digging season to keep everyone healthy in the furrows.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: So now I know who the sumbitch is who took my dog. The only problem is, I have no idea where to find that sumbitch.
Kevin: Well, Raymond, I think we can help you find that sumbitch. Jake?
Jake: Sumbitch. We all got to say it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Let me show you what we found: A security camera grabbed some footage of Cheddar being picked up and put into a car which was registered to an anonymous shell company on Dean Street. We can be there in 15 minutes.
Captain Holt: That's weird. It's sunny outside.
Jake: Why's that weird?
Captain Holt: Because a [bleep]storm is about to rain down on that punk.
Jake: Oh, my God, I fell for it, and I loved it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Kevin: Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Jake: Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Captain Holt: No, you're too excited. The warbler's a common bird.
Jake: Ah.

Quote from Captain Holt

Kevin: Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Jake: Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Captain Holt: Ugh, not excited enough. They may be common, but they're still birds.

Quote from Charles

Charles: I guess that's it. I'm never gonna make my $11,000 back.
Sergeant Jeffords: Actually, I called another guy from my gym. He wants to buy the domain workplacebonebuds.com off of you.
Charles: That's amazing! I can't believe you found someone else who runs a bone broth company with a coworker. What are the odds?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, obviously he wants to make a website that helps people hook up with their coworkers.
Charles: I don't see it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Charles. It's called workplacebonebuds.com.
Charles: All I hear is friendship and broth. But yeah, I mean he wants to burn his money, I'll light the match. Yeah, tell him to call me. His loss.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh, Kevin's here. And you both look so upset. Oh, no, did they stop funding the arts?
Kevin: They did, but that doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does. Cheddar has been kidnapped.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: I need you to drop everything. Nothing in the world is important to me as this dog.
Jake: I wouldn't say nothing. For example, you and I are very close.
Captain Holt: We don't have time for this.
Jake: Okay.
Captain Holt: In kidnappings, the first 48 hours are the most crucial.
Jake: Right, and in dog years, that's only seven hours.
Kevin: Why would you say that? This is why everyone prefers that dog to you.
Jake: Everyone?

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, there you are, and oh, my God what is happening?
Captain Holt: I've gotten mad, and now I'm getting even.
Jake: Okay, look, Sir, I know you're upset, but you need to stay calm and treat this like any other case. I mean, I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but now is not the time to go all John Wick.
Captain Holt: Who's that? A friend of yours?
Jake: [sighs] I wish, but he's not a real person. He's a movie assassin that goes nuts when someone messes with his dog.
Captain Holt: Then call me "John Wicks," 'cause I'm about to go nuts.
Jake: It's "Wick," singular, and you already did go nuts.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: Oh, my God, Teddy is boring people out of the competition, and he doesn't even realize it. Can't let him get to you, Rosa.
Rosa: It's fine, I can handle boring. We're friends.

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