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‘Ransom’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Ransom

712. Ransom

Aired April 16, 2020

Holt asks for Jake's help in a case that is exceptionally meaningful to him. Charles and Terry work together on a side business.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Someone took our fluffy boy.
Jake: Oh, my God. What happened?
Kevin: Well, Cheddar and I walked to the bakery together, we shared a plain scone. Then we went to the park, and I let him off leash. He... never came back.
Captain Holt: Someone took our fluffy boy.
Jake: Right, you mentioned that. Now, just to be clear, you didn't actually see someone take him, right? So there's a chance Cheddar just ran away. You know like some dogs do.
Captain Holt: Cheddar isn't some dog. He would never do that. Someone took our...
Jake: Fluffy boy, yes, I understand.

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Quote from Charles

Charles: Bone broth! It's an old Boyle family recipe. I drink it after every workout, and I'm never sore.
Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle, I don't think we're maxing out at the same weight at the gym.
Charles: Oh, Terry, they're just numbers. You'll get there.

Quote from Charles

Sergeant Jeffords: You know, I bet we could sell this stuff.
Charles: You really think so? [gasps] We can call our company "The Bone Boys." No! "More Bone, Less Moan." No! "Workplace Bone Buds." That's the one. I'm registering it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Ewh, we can name the company later.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Okay, if we're gonna pull this off, we need to teach you how to move, talk, and act exactly like Kevin.
Kevin: In other words we have a "Pygmalion" situation.
Jake: Exactly, a "pig mailman" situation.

Quote from Jake

Jake: The 92nd Street Y, I had a wonderful symposium on just that topic.
Kevin: That's it. You're getting it.
Jake: Ah, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Captain Holt: Don't say "cool," instead say "indeed."
Jake: Oh, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed. [laughs] It's weird.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, I'm approaching the drop site. I don't see anything unusual.
Captain Holt: We have eyes on you. Just be natural.
Jake: Indeed, I will. Oh, look, a yellow crested warbler.
Kevin: Very good.
Jake: [phone ringing] He's calling. Wait, Kevin, we didn't go over how you answer the phone.
Captain Holt: There isn't time. Just answer.
Jake: Okay. [answers phone] You've reached Professor Kevin Cozner. Please start speaking when I finish this sentence.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Freeze!
Jake: Captain! Captain!
Captain Holt: He's not getting away! He took my dog!
[Captain Holt jumps on top of Kingston's car]
Jake: Oh, my God. It's happening!
[While clinging onto the roof of Kingston's car, Holt disarms him of his pistol. Kingston breaks hard, hurling Holt of the roof. Kingston gets out, kicks Holt's gun away and flicks out a switchblade]
Captain Holt: Aah! Oh, I see you have a knife. But what you need is an umbrella.
Jake: Tell him why. Tell him why!
Captain Holt: 'Cause there's a [bleep]storm gonna rain down on you, punk!
[Holt and Kingston fight]
Jake: My goodness.
[The fight continues]
Captain Holt: You took the wrong fluffy boy! [knockout blow] He's done, cuff him.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: That was the single coolest thing that has ever happened.
Captain Holt: Relax, Peralta. That wasn't even the coolest thing I've ever done.
Jake: What have you done that's cooler?
Captain Holt: It was the '80s. It was nothing, I mean, they made a movie out of it, but whatever.
Jake: What? What movie?
Captain Holt: I don't remember the title. Uh, there was a crime on a plane, I was a passenger.
Jake: Was it "Passenger 57?"
Captain Holt: I honestly don't know.
Jake: It had to have been. Just say it was that.
Captain Holt: You know, Peralta, sometimes I don't understand the words coming out of your mouth.
Jake: Oh, my God, was it "Rush Hour?"
Captain Holt: What? No. You know what? I'm too old for this crap.
Jake: It was "Lethal Weapon?!" Sir, are you Murtaugh?! Does that make me Riggs? I'm Riggs!

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: He's calling.
Jake: Sir, remember, we need two minutes for the trace.
Captain Holt: Two minutes, understood.
Jake: So just keep him talking and stay calm.
Captain Holt: Peralta, I'm in complete control.
Man: [disguised voice on the phone] Hello?
Captain Holt: Shut your damn mouth. I'm the one talking here.
Man: Then this is over. [beep]
Jake: And he hung up. Well, that could've gone better.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Just please, stop it. I'm gonna take Kevin to the park where Cheddar was kidnapped and look for clues. I need you to stay here, go through those files, and put together a list of potential suspects. Can you do that?
Captain Holt: Okay, fine. I'll go through the files.
Jake: Great. You realize I can't leave until you put the grenades back, right?
Captain Holt: Oh, but you let John Wicks have grenades?
Jake: It's "Wick." Singular. Just put 'em back.

Quote from Charles

Sergeant Jeffords: Charles, this Boyle bone broth is incredible. I'm not sore at all anymore.
Charles: I told you it works. The Boyles used to drink it during potato digging season to keep everyone healthy in the furrows.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: So now I know who the sumbitch is who took my dog. The only problem is, I have no idea where to find that sumbitch.
Kevin: Well, Raymond, I think we can help you find that sumbitch. Jake?
Jake: Sumbitch. We all got to say it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Let me show you what we found: A security camera grabbed some footage of Cheddar being picked up and put into a car which was registered to an anonymous shell company on Dean Street. We can be there in 15 minutes.
Captain Holt: That's weird. It's sunny outside.
Jake: Why's that weird?
Captain Holt: Because a [bleep]storm is about to rain down on that punk.
Jake: Oh, my God, I fell for it, and I loved it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Kevin: Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Jake: Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Captain Holt: No, you're too excited. The warbler's a common bird.
Jake: Ah.

Quote from Captain Holt

Kevin: Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Jake: Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Captain Holt: Ugh, not excited enough. They may be common, but they're still birds.

Quote from Charles

Charles: I guess that's it. I'm never gonna make my $11,000 back.
Sergeant Jeffords: Actually, I called another guy from my gym. He wants to buy the domain workplacebonebuds.com off of you.
Charles: That's amazing! I can't believe you found someone else who runs a bone broth company with a coworker. What are the odds?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, obviously he wants to make a website that helps people hook up with their coworkers.
Charles: I don't see it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Charles. It's called workplacebonebuds.com.
Charles: All I hear is friendship and broth. But yeah, I mean he wants to burn his money, I'll light the match. Yeah, tell him to call me. His loss.

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: Can you believe this, Scully? Looks like we're the only responsible people who show up on time anymore.
Scully: And they're always calling us lazy, but where are they now? I don't see them.
Hitchcock: [clapping] They're not here.
Scully: But you know who is? Hitchcock and Scully.
Hitchcock: The oafs.
Scully: The bozos.
Hitchcock: The...
Jake: Idiots! What are you doing here? The building's being fumigated. There were so many emails.
Scully: There were? We didn't... [passes out]
Hitchcock: Lightweight.
Jake: That's your takeaway?

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh, Kevin's here. And you both look so upset. Oh, no, did they stop funding the arts?
Kevin: They did, but that doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does. Cheddar has been kidnapped.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: I need you to drop everything. Nothing in the world is important to me as this dog.
Jake: I wouldn't say nothing. For example, you and I are very close.
Captain Holt: We don't have time for this.
Jake: Okay.
Captain Holt: In kidnappings, the first 48 hours are the most crucial.
Jake: Right, and in dog years, that's only seven hours.
Kevin: Why would you say that? This is why everyone prefers that dog to you.
Jake: Everyone?

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, there you are, and oh, my God what is happening?
Captain Holt: I've gotten mad, and now I'm getting even.
Jake: Okay, look, Sir, I know you're upset, but you need to stay calm and treat this like any other case. I mean, I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but now is not the time to go all John Wick.
Captain Holt: Who's that? A friend of yours?
Jake: [sighs] I wish, but he's not a real person. He's a movie assassin that goes nuts when someone messes with his dog.
Captain Holt: Then call me "John Wicks," 'cause I'm about to go nuts.
Jake: It's "Wick," singular, and you already did go nuts.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: Oh, my God, Teddy is boring people out of the competition, and he doesn't even realize it. Can't let him get to you, Rosa.
Rosa: It's fine, I can handle boring. We're friends.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Captain Holt: Yes! That's the right level of excitement for such a bird. You captured the essence of Kevin. You've done it.
Jake: Correction, I've accomplished it.
Captain Holt: Indeed.
Kevin: Indeed.
Jake: Indeed, indeed, indeed...
All: Indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed.
Jake: It's growing on me.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: Oh, my God, Rosa. I can't believe you're still here. And I can't believe Teddy looks so normal.
Rosa: I'm 'onna win you that Snoo. Slog. Snat... whatever, my brain is broken, I haven't slept in 72 hours.
Amy: You've only been doing the competition for one night.
Rosa: I mean, you're allowed to not sleep for other reasons.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Look, I need you to focus. The kidnapper texted his demands.
Captain Holt: How much does the bastard want for my little doggy?
Jake: Oh, that's just it. He doesn't want money. He requested all the files we worked from May 2004. It's a lead. He's gotta be connected to one of those cases somehow.
Captain Holt: Interesting. You know what else is interesting?
Jake: Hmm?
Captain Holt: Grenades.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: The kidnapper said he would call with drop instructions at 8:00 a.m. It is now... [sighs] ... 8:01. Cheddar's dead.
Jake: Cheddar is not dead. It's just one minute. Perhaps the kidnapper's watch is slow.
Captain Holt: Oh, dear God, if his watch is slow, there's no telling what else this psychopath is capable of.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: There's no sign of Peralta out here. Did you hear anything on the wire?
Kevin: No, it never came back on. Do you think he's okay?
Captain Holt: Shh!
Kevin: What?
Captain Holt: Do you hear?
Kevin: Yes, I do. That's the jingle of Cheddar's collar. [Cheddar barks]
Captain Holt: And that's his bark! Oh, it's our fluffy boy!

Quote from Amy

Amy: ♪ I said who's that mama looking so cool ♪ ♪ I'm that mama looking so cool ♪
Rosa: Whoa?
Amy: [gasps] What? Oh, sorry, didn't see you there.
Rosa: Yeah, that was clear. What's going on? Why you dork dancing?

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: What's the contest?
Amy: It's an endurance competition. Everyone has to stand with one hand on the stroller, and if you let go, you're out. Last person holding on wins.
Rosa: Sounds painful. Can I come?
Amy: Aww. For moral support?
Rosa: Sure. That.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: All right, I'll compete for her.
Amy: What? You will? But I know you think these strollers are dumb.
Rosa: They are, but I can't let that boring bastard win.
Teddy: So we decided to paint the baby room white.
Rosa: I mean, you used to have sex with him.
Amy: I know.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, let's gear up. Kevin, you stay here, and don't worry. We're gonna get your dog back.
[later:]
Jake: [on the phone] So we did not get your dog back. Unfortunately, he wasn't here. No, no, no. I think Captain Holt's taking it really well.
Captain Holt: [screams, punches wall]
Jake: So we'll see you soon.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: It's not that. It's that I refuse to put Kevin in harm's way.
Jake: Understood, but I think maybe I have a way to put Kevin in danger without putting Kevin in danger.
[later:]
Jake: [impersonating] Well, hello there Raymond. It's me, Kevin!
Kevin: [flatly] And I am Detective Jacob Peralta.
Jake: We didn't have anything else to wear so we just switched.
Kevin: He understands.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Teddy and I are the only ones left. I'm gonna win this no matter how much he talks about light rail systems.
Teddy: Ooh, you should ride the one in Akron, by the way. Very little noise.
Rosa: Oh, my God.
Teddy: Enough about light rails. Let's talk trams. Amusement parks get it.
Rosa: I can't, I can't, I can't...
Kevin: If more cities adopted amusement park...
Rosa: I can't, I can't. [gasps]. Oh, put your hands over your ears.
Amy: Oh no, wait, Rosa!
Gloria: Hands are off. We have a winner!

Quote from Jake

Jake: Cheddar! Uh, my fluffy boy! I've missed you so.
Frank: All right, put up your hands. I'm gonna tap you down.
Jake: There's no need for that. I have the drive. Just take it.
Frank: Thanks. I'm still gonna pat you down.
Jake: Be my guest, but you're not gonna find anything.
Frank: Here's a gun.
Jake: Whoops.
Frank: And another gun.
Jake: I forgot about that one too.
Frank: So, the Professor's got two guns on him, and he's wearing a fake beard.
Jake: Oh, please don't rip it off. It hurts so much.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: By the way, I'm sorry that I didn't win you that stroller.
Amy: No, no, no, you were right. I don't need a Snoog. It's way too fancy. It is stupid.
Rosa: It's not stupid. I said you didn't need it because I already bought you a stroller for your shower this weekend, and it's just... isn't as fancy, and I felt bad.
Amy: Rosa, I would love any stroller you got me because it came from you.
Rosa: It's a Luftroller.
Amy: [pause] Oh, that is... That is a great stroller.
Rosa: I got you a gift receipt.
Amy: Thank you so much.


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