TV Quotes

Sergeant Jeffords: Hitchcock called himself Scully by accident.
Hitchcock: I did, but it brought me and Scully closer together.

Jake: I've been trying to catch the Pontiac Bandit for eight years. You know how many months that is?
Rosa: 96.
Jake: 80. 40. And 6 years, months!
Captain Holt: Do you need a math tutor? Because the department will provide one for you.
Jake: I can't tell if you're being serious.

Captain Holt: My husband's dog, Cheddar, had relations with my neighbor's dog, Karate, and produced these two smaller dogs. He insisted I find them a good home with someone we trust.

Jake: Doug Judy and I know this guy. You have to trust us!
Rosa: Do I? One of you is a criminal, and the other one is dressed like Steve Harvey.

Captain Holt: Ouch. He ran over my foot. I am in incredible pain.

Captain Holt: Hand me the small dogs, Santiago.

Captain Holt: I understand. Just know, you have disappointed all three of us.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's cold, sir.

Amy: How long can you possibly hide in here?
Gina: I sent all the captain's calls here. My phone battery's at 100% charge. And I have ten loose diner mints in my purse. This is my home now.

Captain Holt: Maybe your twins would like some little furry friends?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm sorry, sir, but that's impossible. With the twins learning how to walk, chaos reigns at the Jeffords household. I can't let those innocent pups into that madhouse. Terry won't do you like that.

Captain Holt: How many cars would you say this Pontiac Bandit has stolen?
Jake: 230 that I know of, but the real number could be in the millions.
Captain Holt: You're not very good at math.

Captain Holt: You're all hiding from Boyle!
Hitchock: Not me, Captain. I was napping.
Captain Holt: That's worse!

Captain Holt: Boyle, where is everyone?
Charles: Hiding from me in the evidence room. They think I don't know, but Gina's been live tweeting the whole thing.
Captain Holt: She live tweets everything. Ruined Downton Abbey for me.

Charles: All this cycling makes me feel like Lance Armstrong.
Gina: Like you use performance-enhancing drugs and have one testicle?
Charles: Wouldn't you like to know?

Charles: You know, the doctor said if the bullet was two millimetres to the left and a foot higher, I might never have walked again.

Captain Holt: Are you crying, Santiago?
Amy: I'm so allergic. Can you tell the scooter to call an ambulance?