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‘Pimento’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Pimento

703. Pimento

Aired January 5, 1975

Adrian Pimento shows up unexpectedly to seek Jake and Charles' help after claiming someone is trying to kill him. The rest of the squad endures a Workplace Conflict seminar.

Quote from Jake

Jake: So you still annoyed?
Amy: Yes. You can't keep saying "mischief managed" after we finish sex.
Jake: It's what Harry Potter says when he needs to clear the Marauder's Map.
Amy: Obviously, I know that, but I would prefer to keep wizard terms out of our sex life.

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Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Before we wrap up this briefing, I wanted to give a few shout-outs. Diaz, great job on that B&E. You are a good cop with a great attitude.
Rosa: I don't like this.
Sergeant Jeffords: Santiago, when I think of your CompStat reports, one word comes to mind: wow. And that "WOW" is an acronym for "Wow, oh, wow. "
Amy: What is happening?
Captain Holt: He's buttering us up before giving us some devastatingly bad news. My God, Jake and Charles are dead.

Quote from Jake

Charles: "Extra ranch, no tomato, no cilantro." These are just a list of modifications on a signature salad from Panera.
Jake: Okay, this one says, "Buy toilet paper" in a truly gigantic font. I hate to think of the horrific event that led to a reminder of this size.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Sir, it's a seminar that's too boring for me. I'm saying no to a seminar.

Quote from Hitchcock

Brad Portenburg: Hello, squad. My name is Brad Portenburg, and today I'm gonna teach you about workplace conflict. So I brought along someone who's an expert in conflict: my ex-wife. Just kidding. She lives in Vermont with our kids. So can anyone tell me what a stereotype is?
Scully: The Irish are potato-eating drunks.
Hitchcock: And the gays-
Brad Portenburg: No, no, no, what does the word "stereotype" mean?

Quote from Scully

Captain Holt: Brad, my funny friend, we don't need this training. We don't have any workplace conflicts.
Brad Portenburg: Oh, there's always conflict somewhere. Now, it could be something small, like a pet peeve, or-
Scully: Hitchcock slept with my wife, Kelly, in 1988!
Sergeant Jeffords: So Kelly was his wife, not his dog.

Quote from Scully

Hitchcock: I dogsat for Scully, and he never thanked me. Kelly was a real handful.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, I'm confused again. Kelly was a dog?
Scully: There were two Kellys. You'd know that if you'd ever listened to my podcast.

Quote from Rosa

Sergeant Jeffords: Jake and Charles are not dead. It's worse than that. We have to do our annual HR seminar on workplace conflict tomorrow.
Amy: What? Already?
Sergeant Jeffords: I know. I know. These seminars are not exactly our favorite things.
Rosa: Question: if I get shot in the line of duty, can I miss it?
Sergeant Jeffords: Legally, you still have to make it up.
Rosa: Well, there goes that plan.


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