TV Quotes

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Jake: Amy, check it out.
Amy: Nice! You got it framed?
Jake: Of course. It commemorates our victory over the Vulture: the greatest day in human history. Sorry the tear gas made you look like a demon dog at the end of Ghostbusters.

Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Jake: So, I'm going to grab a healthy breakfast.
Captain Holt: Are those gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?
Jake: Breakfast burrito, but yeah.
Captain Holt: I pity your dentist.
Jake: Joke's on you. I don't have a dentist.

Captain Holt: (At a cinema watching Moneyball] The statistical analysis. [sobs] It's so beautiful.

Charles: Darn it. I had a belly dancing class. Tonight was Egyptian undulation.
Gina: Oooh, show us some moves.
Charles: Sure.
Captain Holt: Dismissed!

Sergeant Jeffords: Any time Mount Diaz erupts, everyone in the squad avoids her.
Captain Holt: Mount Diaz. Humorous. Yes.

Jake: Ah, Captain Holt. You look very ... sad? I can never tell.

Mlepnos: This song is a celebration song for when a dog loses its virginity.
Jake: Who checks that?!

Bill: Name's Bill Voss, just got this thing in the mail, said I won a free Bahamas cruise!
Sergeant Jeffords: Congratulations, Bill! *Holds up police badge* You have six outstanding warrants for credit fraud!
Bill: Oh, man! Can't it wait 'til I get back from the Bahamas? I won a cruise!
Rosa: You're not very bright, are you, Bill?

Sergeant Jeffords: Where did he get that?
Captain Holt: Good Lord, we're doomed. Boyle looks like a lesbian.

Sergeant Jeffords: Don't worry, I had a backup plan. I distracted her with a mirror. She's like a cockatiel, sir. Fascinated by her own reflection.

Jake: Irwin, how would you like the honour of being the first man to undress in front of Amy Santiago?

Sergeant Jeffords: Are you familiar with the story of Icarus? He didn't want to quit, he flew too close to the sun, his wax wings melted and he died.

Captain Holt: Are you familiar with the story of Moneyball? A man uses statistics and logic to win several baseball games. It's my favorite film.

Sergeant Jeffords: Tell me, what room is right down the hall from her desk?
Captain Holt: The bathroom.
Sergeant Jeffords: If people are afraid to walk by Diaz, bathroom breaks will be to a minimum.

Amy: What's going on in there?
Hotel worker: An auction of Greek antiquities.
Jake: Ah, I believe it's pronounced "antiques".
Amy: I'm sorry about my partner.
He's never been to a museum.
Jake: Have so.
Amy: Wax museums don't count.
Jake: Then why are they called museums? It's right there in the name.

Captain Holt: I'm flying high, Sergeant, and I'm never coming down.