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‘New Captain’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: New Captain

301. New Captain

Aired September 27, 2015

With Captain Holt transferred to the NYPD PR department, the squad struggles to adjust to life under their new captain. Meanwhile, Jake and Amy confront their new relationship state after their first real kiss.

Quote from Gina

Madeline Wuntch: Trent, Brice, where are we with the name?
Trent: We've narrowed it down to two choices. Petey or Paulie.
Gina: With all due respect, that Pigeon is clearly a Ray-Jay. Hi, Gina Linetti, the human form of the 100 Emoji.

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Quote from Captain Holt

Madeline Wuntch: Sticks and stones, Raymond.
Captain Holt: Describing your breakfast?

Quote from Gina

Gina: This man is a Timberlake and you need to stop treating him like a Fatone.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: So nice of you to greet us, Madeline. I thought surely you'd still be crushed under that house in Munchkinland.

Quote from Jake

Charles: Easy. You march over there, you tell her how you feel, and you bring a fancy bottle of Lavender shampoo because shampooing a woman's head is the most erotic thing you-
Jake: No. No shampoo.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Captain. I know this isn't my place to say, but Madeline Wuntch is here to see you.
Captain Holt: Actually, that's exactly your place to say. You are my assistant. What, precisely, did you think your job was?
Gina: Ideally, bull fighter, but it's such a boy's club.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Captain? The kids want to know where Paulie the Pigeon is. I told them he got sucked up into an airplane engine, is that all right?

Quote from Jake

Jake: So, apparently the new Captain survived. And his heart attack, not the craziest thing that happened at the precinct today. We kissed. Like three hours ago.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Rule number 3: Let's not have sex right away.
Jake: Cool. Cool cool cool cool cool. No doubt, no doubt, no doubt. Good rule. No sex. Good rule.

Quote from Jake

Jake: You also got a hair cut.
At some point in your life, I'm sure.
That's not your baby hair. That would be crazy.

Quote from Jake

Jake: So, we broke a rule.
Amy: Yeah. Hope it wasn't a mistake.
Jake: "Hope it wasn't a mistake." Title of your sex tape.
Oh! Title of our sex tape!

Quote from Jake

Seth Dozerman: According to your Dozer-pad, four of your colleagues have been gathered around your desk for the last ninety seconds.
Also, someone named Norm Scully has been in the bathroom for the last seventy-two minutes.
Jake: Oh, yeah, that means he's about half way.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: So, what is this? Casual, serious? I need to know how to make fun of you.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I can't put that pigeon head on, Gina. Wuntch has defeated me. This is how it ends. With me standing on the urine soaked floor of an elementary school bathroom in a third-rate bird costume.

Quote from Jake

The Vulture: Whasup, ding dongs? I'm your new captain.
Jake: The Vulture.
Amy: Oh, this is bad.
Charles: No.
Rosa: Still hot.
The Vulture: I know we have our history. Me vulturing your cases. Me telling you to eat my farts. But that's all in the past. Because now that I run this precinct, things are going to get much, much worse. So suck it.
Jake: No!

Quote from Charles

Charles: Light and breezy is how you describe a linen pant-suit. Not a relationship you care about.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Why are you still playing with that stupid game, Sarge? The guy is dead.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's not a game. I'm following our Captain's orders.
Rosa: His orders were stupid. I hated him more than any cop I've ever know.
Wow, I just realized I'm never gonna be able to say that to his face.
I mean, I could say it to his wife at the funeral, but it won't be the same.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Sarge. I don't need to be monitored all day long, I'm not a toddler. This is stupid.
Sergeant Jeffords: I know you're not a toddler. Because my toddlers know that stupid is a no-no word. Keep that Dozer-pad on you at all times.
Rosa: Fine, but I am gonna play the hell out of some backgammon. Watch me.


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