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21Quotes from ‘Mr. Santiago’

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Mr. Santiago

407. Mr. Santiago

Aired November 22, 2016

At Amy's intricately planned Thanksgiving dinner, Jake goes "full Santiago" (binder and all) in order to impress her father (guest star Jimmy Smits), a former cop. With Jake and Amy's focus elsewhere, Charles is left on turkey duty and Holt helps Pimento cope after learning he can no longer work for the NYPD.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Well, I am ready for this. I pulled a full Amy and researched the crap out of him. Made this sweet binder. Just a couple of factoids about Victor: He's an ex-cop, 65 years old, married for 36 years, Cuban, his favorite food, Flavor First beefy dog food. Wait, no, sorry. That's his dog's favorite food. His favorite food is corn. Makes more sense. Dog food's not in the name.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Did you clean your car?
Jake: I did, but it didn't really take, so I just rented a new one, but here's the best part: I printed out a sign especially for him using his favorite font, Garamond.
Sergeant Jeffords: Who has a favorite font?
Jake: The Santiagos do. All of them.

Quote from Captain Holt

TV Announcer: The Cairn Terrier is intelligent and inquisitive with a bold personality.
Captain Holt: [chuckles] "A bold personality." We know what that's code for: she's a bitch.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Wow, you are really pulling this off.
Jake: I know, all this research is actually gonna work. Should I prepare for things all the time?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah.
Jake: Nah, that's crazy.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Pretty cool, huh? I feel like Dexter. I think. I never actually saw the show. Billboard gave me nightmares.

Quote from Charles

Charles: [attempting to impersonate Holt eating a marshmallow] Ooh, mm-hmm, mm-hmm-hmm-hmm!
Jake: That's your Holt impression?
Charles: I can hear him doing that.

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: What's going on here? What are you doing?
Jake: Captain, hey, nothing, just eating some marshmallows. Care for one?
Captain Holt: Marshed-mallow. Hmm. Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm!
Charles: [laughing] I knew it!

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: That concludes our briefing. And now, on a personal note, I have some thoughts about Beyonce's "Lemonade" I'd like to share.
Jake: Oh, my God, sir, as much as I want to hear those thoughts, and it is so, so much, I think we should probably let Amy speak. [Amy is stood right next to Holt, facing him sideways, clutching a folder]

Quote from Amy

Amy: Okay, here's everyone's itineraries for Thanksgiving at my place. I know a lot of your families are out of town, and you just want to relax, but I think we'll all enjoy ourselves more if we rigidly stick to the schedule.
Sergeant Jeffords: Whoa, did you assign us individual bathroom break times?
Amy: Keep asking questions about it, Sarge, and your slot is after Scully's.
Sergeant Jeffords: All right, Santiago, damn. It's your toilet.

Quote from Amy

Amy: How was your flight?
Victor Santiago: Oh, good, good, you know, I did "The Times" crossword.
Amy: Oh, great puzzle today, right?
Victor Santiago: Oh, my God, 17 down?
Amy: Oh, I know, what about 16 across?
Victor Santiago: What about 34 across?
Amy: Oh, what about 45 down?
Both: What about 20 across? [laughter]

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: All right, choo-choo! Here comes the veggie train, leaving the station. Next stop, a healthy body.

Quote from Jake

Victor Santiago: I'm gonna go get a refill. Do you want something?
Jake: Oh, uh, you know, if they have it, maybe, like, a dry Riesling?
Victor Santiago: Excellent choice.
Jake: Thank you. [to Terry] They definitely have it. I brought it.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: Sorry, Gina, but we need a turkey, and you're the only one complaining.
Rosa: I don't like it either. It's not a fair fight. Give the bird a gun, then see what happens.

Quote from Jake

Victor Santiago: I can't believe you did all this. You've got my family tree, all of my case files, lot of photos.
Jake: Yes, and might I add, your ponytail in the 90s puts Amy's to shame.
Victor Santiago: They used to call me "The Lion".
Jake: Wow, cool nickname. They call me "The Barracuda". Well, I call me that. I'm hoping it catches on.

Quote from Jake

Victor Santiago: I was wondering what you thought about one of my cases First Essex Bank Heist.
Jake: Yes, I read that one. They got robbed the day before their grand opening.
Victor Santiago: I never solved that one. That bothered me for 20 years. But I see that you wrote a note here that says, "Contractor did it, so obvious."
Jake: Oh, what? Well, you know us millennials, we're always exaggerating. But what I think happened there is, is that I was reading that file, and I noticed that the contractor, Russo, was the, um-
Victor Santiago: Obvious?
Jake: Obvious suspect, but only in the sense that he was the only one who could've possibly done it 'cause he had the blueprint.
Victor Santiago: I talked to Russo. He had an alibi.
Jake: Of course, of course. But, you know, the name of the company was "Russo and Sons," so I figure probably, maybe, definitely the sons did it. Maybe.
Probably. For sure.

Quote from Gina

Amy: Come on, guys. It's getting late. Open the door.
Gina: Not until you promise to let this little turkey live out the rest of his life with Rosa.
Rosa: What? Why can't it live with you?
Gina: I'm an ideas man.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh, I see. I think I know what's happening here. You're upset because Amy and I have seen each other's butts.
Victor Santiago: What?
Jake: Oh, God, it wasn't that. Please forget I said anything about your daughter's butt.

Quote from Jake

Victor Santiago: This binder tells the story of a sloppy, disorganized, irresponsible individual who's not allowed within 500 feet of Taylor Swift.
Jake: That was a misunderstanding.
Victor Santiago: You're not good enough for my Amy. I don't want my only daughter dating a screw-up.
Jake: Oh, yeah? Well, I don't want my only girlfriend daughtering a jerk-dad.
Burn on you.

Quote from Amy

Amy: What is this, 1950? I can't date someone unless I have my father's approval?

Quote from Amy

Amy: All right, someone's gotta go out there and kill that feathery bastard. Rosa, you're always looking for an excuse to behead something.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Rosa: Don't look at me. Terry wastes all that time building muscles, make him do it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, come on, you all know these are just for show.


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