Previous Episode Next Episode 

16Quotes from ‘Kicks’

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Kicks

503. Kicks

Aired October 10, 2017

Now that he's officially back at the precinct and desperate to solve a real case, Jake finds a loophole to get out of his temporarily designated desk duty. Unfortunately, that loophole rests on his ability to pass an official evaluation performed by Holt. While Charles provides Jake with moral support, Terry and Amy help Rosa, who believes Pimento may be cheating on her.

Quote from Charles

Charles: It looks like the perp knew what he was after. All he took was a shipment of thousand-dollar limited edition Weezies designed by Little Wayne.
Jake: Oh, it's Lil.
Charles: Oh, like Lillian.
Jake: No.
Charles: Lillian Wayne.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Look, I'm ready. I'm the same old Jake.
Captain Holt: I don't know why you have an issue with this. Rosa was happy to comply.
Jake: So, what, now I'm just supposed to do anything that Rosa does? I mean, what if she jumped off a cliff?
Captain Holt: If Rosa were to jump off a cliff, she would've done her due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see Rosa jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.
Jake: You jump off a cliff.
Captain Holt: Gladly. Provided Rosa did first.

Quote from Amy

Rosa: And now I don't know what to do.
Amy: I think you do know what to do.
Rosa: Thanks, Amy. (leaves the room)
Amy: I have no idea what she's gonna do but that's the safest way to give Rosa advice.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yep.

Quote from Jake

Jake: If you would all take a seat while I make a toast. Kindly raise your two liters. To freedom, to you, and most importantly, to orange drank. And sex with Amy.
All: To sex with Amy!
Jake: Sorry. Shouldn't have said that last part.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Oink, oink. Good morning, sir. Your expression is inscrutable as always.
Captain Holt: And yours is extremely scrutable. You want something. A video game, perhaps? Or a fidget spinner?
Jake: I do want both of those things, but that's not why I'm here.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I'm back and I'm ready for a case, so what do you got? A murder? A sui? A murder-sui? They often follow one another. Ooh, maybe you've got an avunculicide up in there?
Captain Holt: The murder of an uncle. I'm surprised you know what that word means.
Jake: I learned about a lot of new crimes in prison. Those people real bad.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: You know you can't work a case yet. You've been assigned to desk duty.
Jake: Oh, please, don't make me sit behind a desk all day. That's worse than prison. No, it's not. Prison real bad.
Captain Holt: Those are the rules for anyone experiencing a traumatic work-lapse.
Jake: It wasn't that traumatic.
Captain Holt: You just said, and I quote, "Prison real bad."

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Terry loves women! Women be sane!

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: I found his credit card statement. There's a charge for a restaurant called La Palapa. Two entrees. One flan.
Sergeant Jeffords: One flan?
Rosa: One flan.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's cold.
Amy: Yeah. Cold. I'm so confused.
Both: They shared the flan!

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Guess what I'm holding behind my back?
Captain Holt: Before we begin, what are the parameters of the guessing game? How many guesses do I get? Is there a time limit?
Jake: Forget it. You ruin everything. It's the police code and ethics manual.
Chapter four. Page 83.
Captain Holt: You should not have told me. I never would've guessed it. Now I've won.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Captain, I hope you're wearing your evaluating pants, 'cause I'm about to put on a crime solving clinic.
Captain Holt: I am wearing my evaluating pants.
Jake: What? 'Cause I was just- Wait, what are evaluating pants?
Captain Holt: They have a deep bottom pocket for my notepad, and they don't crease, which is a must, given how much I squat during an evaluation.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Sorry not sorry. It was just a stupid pencil.
Captain Holt: It was a gift from my deceased father.
Jake: A pencil? Your dad gave pretty bad gifts. Although on the other hand, all my dad ever gave me was abandonment issues, so, potato-tomato.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Amy: Maybe it's time to put the creep kit away, Rosa.
Rosa: Wait. Pimento just walked up to a woman.
Sergeant Jeffords: A female woman? Rosa, is it a female woman?

Quote from Charles

Jake: We gotta solve this on our own. And I think I know how. I found a lead on the dark web.
Charles: Nice. The dark web. It's the only place you can buy quality bat meat.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: When you demanded to be put back on the field, I worried that you were being flippant about your time in prison. I thought you would be reckless, but I was wrong. Prison has made you more cautious.
Jake: Yeah, but what if I'm too cautious now? I mean, I used to see everything as black and white, and now, it's looking real gray to me.
Captain Holt: I wish every cop had a voice in their head asking, what if he's innocent? You see it as weakness, but it means you're growing.It makes you a better detective. So, you passed your evaluation. You can go back in the field.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: You might wanna squat for this, Mr. Evaluator.
Captain Holt: I decide when the squatting is necessary. (slowly squats) This was my choice.


 Episode 502 Episode 504