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‘Jake & Amy’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Jake & Amy

522. Jake & Amy

Aired May 20, 2018

Jake and Amy's wedding day is majorly threatened, and Charles and the whole squad rush to help save it. Amidst the chaos, Holt hesitates to open the email that will indicate if he has won his campaign for Commissioner, despite Gina's encouragement. Meanwhile, Terry gently pushes Rosa towards a potential love interest (guest star Gina Rodriguez).

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Please be seated. Friends, colleagues, gawking New Yorkers, we are here today to celebrate the marriage of Jake Peralta and Amy Santiago. I've known you both for the last five years. And it has been a true pleasure to watch your distracting childish rivalry evolve into a distracting childish courtship and now into what I'm sure will be a distracting childish marriage. I'm proud of you. And I love you both.
Jake: Permission to say it back?
Captain Holt: Permission granted.
Amy: I love you too, sir.
Jake: Love you, Captain.

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Quote from Amy

Jake: But, look, I know it seems like everything sucks, but why don't we just get married tomorrow? You know, we won't have a venue or a band or any of our guests, but we could go to city hall.
Amy: Jake, do you really want to get married in the same place people go to get restraining orders?
Jake: Amy Santiago, I would marry you any time, any place. I would marry you in the steaming filth of the Gowanus Canal.
Amy: Sweet. But also, gross.
Jake: I would marry you on the G Train in the summertime when the air conditioning is broken.
Amy: Damn, really?
Jake: I would marry you on top of the Empire State Building.
Amy: Well, that sounds kind of nice.
Jake: During a King Kong attack.
Amy: Oh, yeah, that's not good. Okay. City hall it is.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Now I believe you've prepared your own vows?
Jake: Yes, I was going to do an "Addams Family" themed rap, but my beat-boxer isn't here. That's the only reason it's not happening. So, Ames, today has been a crazy day. But I shouldn't be surprised, because we've had a lot of crazy days. There was our first date, our first kiss, the first time you told me you loved me, and the day you told me you would marry me. Also, yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, because every single day that I get to be with someone as amazing as you is crazy to me. I love you. And I'm worried about dancing in front of our friends. The end.

Quote from Charles

Charles: No! I was eavesdropping. I'm always eavesdropping.
Jake: I don't like it.
Charles: Look, I didn't spend the last seven years watching your love ripen, only to have it sullied by a city hall wedding. You're getting married right here, right now.

Quote from Charles

Charles: This is happening. Jake and Amy are getting married tonight. Title of my sex tape!
Jake: What?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Congratulations once again to Jake and Amy. And now that everyone's here, I have an email that I need to open.
Jake: All right, weirdo, not something we usually announce to the squad.
Gina: It says if he got the commissioner job.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God! What?
Gina: He was too scared to read it all day.
Captain Holt: I was, until I heard something very wise tonight. Life is unpredictable. Not everything is in our control. But as long as we're with the right people, we can handle anything. So I'd like to receive this news with all of you.
Amy: He quoted me.
Captain Holt: Okay, here we go. Well, from the look on my face, I'm sure you can guess what it says.
Jake: No! We have no idea at all. Just tell us, you monster!

Quote from Amy

Jake: I love you so much. You're my dream girl.
Amy: I love you too. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Okay. Moving on. Do you, Amy Santiago, take Jake Peralta to be your husband?
Amy: I do.
Captain Holt: And do you, Jake Peralta, take Amy Santiago to be your wife?
Jake: I absolutely do.
Captain Holt: By the power vested in me by the state of New York, I'd like to announce that your honeymoon vacation request status has officially been moved from pending to approved. You're married. You may kiss the bride.

Quote from Gina

Amy: Boyle, I don't even have a dress.
Charles: You can wear Gina's. I'm sure it's white.
Amy: There's no way Gina was gonna wear a white dress to my wedding.
[later]
Gina: No, I definitely was.
Amy: What?
Gina: I thought you'd just wear a Grey pantsuit or something. I would never wear a Grey pantsuit to your wedding, I promise you that.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Okay, well. I've been planning this wedding for the last six months.
And if you told me yesterday everything that was gonna go wrong, I would have had a panic attack that sent me into the ER. But I'm here, and I've never been happier. Life is unpredictable. Not everything's in our control. But as long as you're with the right people, you can handle anything. And you, Jake Peralta, are the right person for me. But I do have some bad news. There is a bomb at this wedding as well.
Jake: What?
Amy: Your butt. Your butt is the bomb. There will be no survivors.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: But I have an idea for a new ring bearer who is very adorable and very obedient.
Charles: I would be-
Jake: I'm talking about Cheddar the dog.
Charles: Yep, right.
Captain Holt: Brilliant. He loves responsibility.

Quote from Rosa

Sergeant Jeffords: So are you bringing someone to the wedding?
Rosa: No, I'm taking a break from dating for a while.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Rosa: I'm sick of asking people how many siblings they have. Oh, is it somewhere between zero and two? How fascinating.

Quote from Hitchcock

Amy: Cheddar? Are you crazy? What about my-
Jake: Allergies? Got your meds right here. I brought them just in case Hitchcock decided to wear his toupee again. It's very clearly not human hair.
Hitchcock: Human hair is indistinguishable from badger fur.
Jake: That is absolutely not the case.

Quote from Charles

Amy: Man, it's gonna melt in the sun.
Charles: Don't worry, Amy, I'm gonna keep it chilled with my cool breath.
Jake: Oh, my God, the cake looks amazing! Charles, why are you spitting on it?
Charles: Because I didn't ruin your wedding.
Jake: 'kay.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh, man, you got a whole shrine! Even the eyes are all scratched out.
Amy: Babe, when we're married, we're gonna share everything. Bank accounts, health insurance, arch-nemeses.
Jake: Aww, that's nice, Ames, but you don't have to say that. Charles, will you put this picture of me up on the wall?
Charles: Copy that. You want the eyes scratched out?
Jake: Uh, you know I do.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Charles, it looks amazing.
Amy: It's beautiful. How can I ever repay you?
Charles: Get pregnant. Use your body to give the world more Jake.
Jake: Holy crap. All right. I'm gonna take Charles away from you now. I will see you up there.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Jake.
Jake: Ames, you look beautiful. But when are you getting your makeup put on? Y'all, she woke up like this.

Quote from Charles

Sergeant Jeffords: What's going on, guys?
Jake: Someone called in a bomb threat.
Rosa: Seriously? Is this because of Boyle's stupid engagement announcement?
Amy: Yes.
Charles: No!

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, no, I left it in the car! It's not my fault. The driver was so hot. Not for me, for Rosa. She was clearly flirting with her. Oh, I know, I'll just call the company and bring her back here. And then who knows what'll happen?
Rosa: Wait a minute, did you do this intentionally so I'd have to see that girl again?
Sergeant Jeffords: No! That's crazy. This is Jake and Amy's wedding. I would never do that. But you gotta admit, it does seem like the universe is pushing you two together.
Rosa: Terry!

Quote from Charles

Charles: So here it is. I really hope you like it. But if you don't, I will kill myself.


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