Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Honeymoon’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Honeymoon

601. Honeymoon

Aired January 10, 2019

Jake and Amy go on their honeymoon. Capt. Holt finds out whether he is the new commissioner of the NYPD.

Quote from Jake

Amy: He's leaving. Our plan worked.
Jake: We saved our own honeymoon, and fun bonus, we cheered up Holt.
Amy: Yes. Okay, it's time to celebrate. You know what that means. This B needs a C in her A.
Jake: Oh, my God.
Amy: This babe needs a coconut in her arms.
Jake: Oh, I thought you were saying this [bleep] needs a [bleep] in her [bleep].
Amy: Oh, my God.
Jake: Yeah, that was my reaction.

Rate

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I tried to suck it up and go back to work. I put on my uniform and got in my car. And next thing I knew, I was on a plane to Mexico. I didn't even pack a bag. I bought a bundle of novelty shirts at a nearby gift shop.
This one says, "What's up, beaches?" Instead of "bitches" for humor reasons.
Amy: But you hate humor.
Captain Holt: Well, I'm a joke now, so it suits me.

Quote from Amy

Captain Holt: What the hell is going on?
Jake: I can't let you quit.
Captain Holt: Yes, but why the candles and rose petals?
Jake: Wuh-oh.
Amy: Is that Mr. McClane I hear? 'Cause someone's about to Die Har- Oh, my God.
Why is Captain Holt here?
Jake: Because he's gonna- Wait, are you dressed like Bonnie Bedelia in "Die Hard?"
Amy: I am.
Jake: For sexy reasons?
Amy: Yes.
Jake: Oh, boy.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Well, you know who didn't think it was a good run? My daddy, Lynn Boyle. He's inconsolable.
Gina: Well, I'm sure he'll get over it.
Charles: No, Boyles don't "get over it." It becomes part of us. It lives within us. It eats us out.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: This place is so romantic.
Jake: Yeah, and so intimate.
Captain Holt: Don't worry. I'm not listening to you. I'm just thinking about how this sea bass is cold but not as cold and cruel as the hands of fate that have thrust my entire life into darkness.
Jake: Ah, damn it. I just ordered the sea bass.

Quote from Jake

Amy: What? You're quitting?
Captain Holt: Yes, I am.
Amy: No, you're not. We're keeping you right here.
Captain Holt: How are you going to do that? Physically restrain me?
Amy: Great idea. Is there anything in Charles's box of nightmares that could be used to tie up Holt?
Jake: Yes. Literally everything in here could be used to tie up a person.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Yeah, and your new shirt is very aggressive and confusing. Is the pineapple the slut, or is it calling someone else a slut?
Captain Holt: Clearly the pineapple is the slut.
Jake: Huh.

Quote from Hitchcock

Captain Holt: No, I mean, quitting permanently, I'm putting in my resignation as soon as I get back home. I better hurry if I want to be at the airport six hours ahead of my flight.

Quote from Scully

Scully: Hey, Gina. Did you see "Real Housewives" last night? If she says no, then ask about "Below Deck."
Gina: What are you doing?
Scully: She's getting suspicious, Scully. Act natural.
Gina: Are you wearing an earpiece?
Scully: Tell her no. Scully, stop saying what I'm saying. Be normal.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I've just received the email about whether I've gotten the job as commissioner. Well, from the look on my face, I'm sure you can guess what it says.
Jake: No. We have no idea at all. Just tell us, you monster.
Captain Holt: Really? No one noticed the slight tension in my labial commissure? My lips. I'm smiling.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Guess who just got paid, y'all. That's right. We got stacks on stacks on stacks.
Charles: Whoa. Where's all that cash from?
Jake: Well, my brilliant wife found a crazy loophole called "wedding insurance."
Amy: It's very common. It's like renter's insurance.
Jake: Oh, my God. Do we have that too?
Amy: Yes.
Jake: You are a wizard.

Quote from Jake

Jake: The point is, we are getting refunded in full, so we are going on a super-deluxe, five-star mega-baller honeymoon.
Rosa: So you're not just going to the Berkshires anymore?
Jake: Screw that crap hole. It's a dump, and anyone who goes there is garbage.
Sergeant Jeffords: I was gonna take Sharon there for a romantic weekend.
Jake: Oh, well, congratulations, ya poor. I am so sorry. Money really changes you.

Quote from Charles

Charles: We have to get them back together.
Gina: Pass.
Charles: Well, I'm doing it with or without your help.
Gina: Okay, without.
Charles: Okay, you called my bluff. It has to be with your help. And I'm not taking no for an answer.
Gina: No.
Charles: Okay, you did it again. Why are you like this?
Gina: I don't know.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Ahh, babe, this is so nice. There are hot stones on our butts for no reason.
Jake: Not on mine. My butt stones keep falling off, because I'm so tense about Holt being here and ruining everything.

Quote from Charles

Charles: I can't figure out what went wrong between our parents. They were so in love.
Gina: Oh, okay, so we're having a conversation?
Charles: No, to get them back together, we need to know what happened. Did your mom tell you?
Gina: Nope.
Charles: Damn it. Okay, let's brainstorm. It could be that my dad is too clingy or too masculine.
Gina: You know what? I'm going to play a game on my phone while you go on this little journey.
Charles: He overshares, he's indecisive, he's always crying.
Gina: Oh, I made it inside the temple.
Charles: He wears a kimono a lot.
Gina: I became a hawk. I have talons.
Charles: Well, he can't keep a secret. He has a clinically loose pelvis.
Gina: Okay, that did break through. I heard "loose pelvis."

Quote from Charles

Gina: Charles, you've got to stop. It's none of those things.
Charles: Wait. You said your mom didn't tell you anything. Do you know what happened?
Gina: Yes, I do. And it's none of your business, Charles. Just stop sticking your nose where it doesn't belong.
Charles: Really, Gina. And where does my nose belong if not inside our parents?

Quote from Jake

Amy: Mmm.
Jake: Mmm.
Captain Holt: Mmm. This is actually quite pleasant. You know, when you invited me to join you today, I was skeptical. I had been sitting by the pool contentedly watching a bee struggle to avoid drowning and thinking to myself how I am like that bee.
Jake: Man, I hope it survived. We can't afford to lose any more bees.
Captain Holt: It didn't.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Ahh, hey there, Captain. Haven't seen you looking this happy since they picked up "The Durrells in Corfu" for a fourth season.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Yes, well, I've reached the best part of every vacation: reviewing the charges.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: All right, fine, sir, do you know why I love coming to work?
Captain Holt: Because there's a bumper pool table in the break room.
Jake: Yes, obviously I love the bumper pool table. But do you want to know another reason why? You. You've made me a better cop. You've made me a better person. I've learned so much from you. So you can't quit. Because I need you.
Captain Holt: Oh, please. How selfish.
Jake: What?
Captain Holt: That little speech you just gave. It was all about you and what you need. How unbelievably selfish.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Look, you have every right not to accept my apology, but at least hear it first. I'm sorry I said Jake was selfish. I'm sorry I ruined your honeymoon. I'm sorry I interrupted your "Die Hard"-themed sexcapades.
Amy: You don't have to list everything; it's cool.

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: Wait, we're allowed to say "labia" again?

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: Labia.
Jake: Commissioner Raymond Holt.
Hitchcock: Labia.
Sergeant Jeffords: You gotta stop right now, Hitchcock.

Quote from Gina

Charles: I just found out that your mom left my dad. They're getting divorced.
Gina: Eh, they had a good run. Fun fact: The average American marriage lasts fewer than two days.
Charles: That's not true.
Gina: It doesn't have to be. It's commentary.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Not getting the job you want stinks. In first grade, I was passed over for line leader, and I'm still pissed. Kyle D.'s lines had curves and gaps and cutting galore. It was a frickin' carnival.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: Look, I know you're upset, but this isn't your last chance to become commissioner. John Kelly's old. He's not gonna be in office forever.
Captain Holt: True, but he'll just be replaced by another mediocre old white man. Nothing will ever change.
Amy: All right, well, what about all your goals for the Nine-Nine? You still have so much left to accomplish.
Captain Holt: Wrong, I've accomplished everything that I set out to do. I wanted to reduce crime, and I did. There's no crime in Brooklyn anymore.
Jake: Seems like a bit of a stretch.
Amy: What about improving community relations?
Jake: Done. Everyone loves the police. It's embarrassing.
Amy: Way off.
Jake: All right, Ame, step aside; I got this. Captain, what about the Halloween Heist?
Captain Holt: I'll just come in and win it and then go back to my house.
Jake: Damn it. I'm out.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Okay, well, I don't want to get mad right now, 'cause Amy's worried about you, so-
Amy: No, screw that noise. How dare you call Jake selfish? He just wasted his entire honeymoon trying to take care of you while you wallowed in your misery like a little baby.
Captain Holt: That seems a little harsh.
Amy: Oh, does it? I don't give a hoot.
Jake: Oh, damn.
Amy: For the last five years, all I've done is give a hoot about you and what you think. I gave a hoot about you as a boss. I gave a hoot about you as a mentor. I gave a hoot about you as a friend.
Jake: She gave so many hoots.
Amy: Not anymore. After the way you've acted and what you just said to Jake, I don't give a hoot, what you think, and I really don't give a hoot if you decide to quit the NYPD, so do it. I'm all out of hoots. I'm hootless.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Okay, you ready?
Amy: Mm-hmm.
Jake: Hello.
Amy: Oh, my God. Are you Melvil Dewey?
Jake: Indeed I am. I invented the Dewey decimal system, but right now I'm working on the Do-me decimal system.
Amy: Mm-hmm, yeah. This is really working for me.
Jake: Really?
Amy: Yeah.
Jake: Awesome.
Amy: So, Mr. Dewey, can you save me from the terrorists that have taken over Nakatomi Plaza?
Jake: Yes, Holly Gennaro, I just need to file them in the library card catalog.
Amy: Yeah, this is really hard to track. Let's just take our clothes off.
Jake: Oh, thank God. This old jacket is so hot.

Quote from Charles

Gina: Charles, what are you doing?
Charles: Damn it, Gina. What does it look like I'm doing? I'm trying to unlock your phone using a mask of your face so I can find out why your mom left my dad.


 Episode 522 Episode 602 
  Select another episode