Adrian Pimento: Okay, here are the ground rules: You can punch me, kick me, pull my hair, I am a-ok being stabbed, biting and scratching are on the table, you can use fire.
Jake: These are the ground rules? Is there anything off limits?
Adrian Pimento: Damn, man. You got something really sick you wanna do, huh? Oh, you little pervert. All right, I like it. Don't tell me. Surprise me. Ooh, this is gonna be fun.

Jake: This gambit was designed to fail. It's just like in chess. Sometimes in order to win, you've got to sacrifice your king.
Captain Holt: That's exactly how you lose at chess. Have you ever played the game?

Charles: Ho, ho, ho, Jake. Special delivery from Santa's elf. Merry Christmas. "Heart Attack Soda"
Jake: Holy crap. I love this stuff. You know, technically it's just carbonated fudge.
Charles: I know.
Jake: I thought they banned it.
Charles: Not in Syria. They use it to induce labor in goats.

Captain Holt: I wish he would turn the radio down.
Jake: You think that's the radio? That sounds like professional music to you?
Captain Holt: All music after Mahler sounds exactly like that.

Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]

Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Gina: It's Gina's phone. Leave me a voice-mail. I won't check it 'cause it's not 1993.

Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets for the case. Plan our next move. Grab some chow.
Captain Holt: No need. I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have original no flavor, and whole wheat no flavor.