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‘Ding Dong’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Ding Dong

707. Ding Dong

Aired March 12, 2020

Captain Holt deals with a personal loss. Jake must decide whether to take Terry or Charles to an exclusive event.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Wait, Wuntch is dead?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah. The Commissioner's office just notified us.
Captain Holt: No way that's true. As Wuntch says when she sees deodorant, "I'm not buying it."
Rosa: [laughs]

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Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Why would Wuntch fake her own death?
Captain Holt: The same reason she visits Mexico once a year and sucks the blood from all the goats. For kicks.
Sergeant Jeffords: Look, I don't know what to tell you, but she's dead. What do you want? To open up her coffin and check for yourself?
[later:]
Captain Holt: Oh, she's very dead.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: Oh, my God! I just heard about Wuntch! She was so young!
Captain Holt: For a redwood tree. Uh, I don't understand what's going on. Why are you crying?
Amy: A person is dead. I feel sad.
Captain Holt: That's insane. You don't feel sad when a monster dies in a monster movie. In "E.T.," do you feel sad when E.T. dies?
Amy: Yes.
Rosa: He wasn't a monster.
Captain Holt: He caused a real commotion.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: It isn't just Wuntch. I started seeing a fertility doctor and she has me taking hormones to help with ovulation and my emotions are in overdrive.
Captain Holt: Well, I know just the thing to cheer you up. Wuntch is dead! Bagel! Bagel! Bagel!
Rosa: Sir, I am loving this color on you, but don't you think you should tone it down?
Captain Holt: Why, in case I run into her family? I'm not planning any trips to the Bronx Zoo.

Quote from Captain Holt

Rosa: Where are you going?
Captain Holt: To find out if there was another man.
[later:]
Captain Holt: So, um, Adam is it? I only ask because Madeline never mentioned you.
Adam Jarver: Interesting, 'cause she mentioned you to me, as a friend.
Captain Holt: Friend? I think you added an "R" to the word "fiend."
Adam Jarver: No, I'm sure it was friend. I mean, based on context alone, I wouldn't say somebody was one of my closest fiends.
Captain Holt: Oh, you might. We had a very contentious relationship. She never forgave me for embarrassing her in front of Derek Jeter.
Adam Jarver: Well, I embarrassed her in front of A-Rod and J.Lo together.
Captain Holt: For 15 years I replaced her anti-wrinkle cream with sour cream.
Adam Jarver: I replaced her Lactaid pills with Tic Tacs. Dead moron was crapping her pants for months.
Captain Holt: She hacked into my Netflix account and watched the Lizzie McGuire movie on repeat to ruin my algorithm.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Terry said he had some news from the office of Commissioner Wuntch.
Captain Holt: [groans] What does that human blister want now? Does she intend to demote me even further? Or perhaps she'll transfer me to the swamps of New Jersey so I can patrol the sinkhole where she was spawned.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Or it's possible the announcement has nothing to do with you.
Captain Holt: Oh, good thinking, Peralta. You're right. Maybe Madeline wants to inform us all that she's a Cheuksin.
Charles: A what?
Captain Holt: A Cheuksin. A Korean toilet ghost, lives in an outhouse, wraps her hair around your throat and chokes you to death while you move your bowels.
Jake: You know what? I will give you $6,000 if the announcement is she's a Cheuksin.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, she's dead.
Captain Holt: Oh, Terry. Zombies can't die. This is some sort of scam. If she were dead, we would be hearing the sounds of children singing in the streets.

Quote from Captain Holt

Rosa: Oh, you must be feeling better. You're heating up your favorite meal; beans.
Captain Holt: They're refried. It's bad enough they were cooked once, let alone twice, and now the toaster oven makes it three times. I couldn't be crying for help any louder.

Quote from Captain Holt

Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]

Quote from Charles

Jake: Hello, gentlemen. Guess who's walking the red carpet this Saturday?
Charles: Chord Overstreet.
Jake: Who?
Charles: Sam Evans from "Glee."
Jake: No, me. Why would you guess that? I was clearly talking about me.
Charles: Okay, but for the record, I bet Chord Overstreet will also be walking one.
Jake: Stop talking about Chord Overstreet.

Quote from Jake

Jake: My friends, I have a proclamation to bestow upon ye.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why are you talking like that?
Charles: And why'd you have us come in here? Is this about the tickets?
Jake: It is indeed about said tickets, and said proclamation about said tickets is in fact...
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, just tell us. No one is liking this.
Charles: I'm loving it. You sound so smart.
Jake: Oh, thank you, my loyal subject Charles. Now, as you know, this decision has been quite hard upon me... title of mine sex tape... but I have made it at long last, and it is my decree that the recipient shall be... Both of you.
Charles: What? Did you talk to Mikey J. and get more tickets?
Jake: Indeed I did not, but it is my decision that I will cut all of said tickets in twain.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: Look, since you can't say anything nice, try saying the opposite of whatever you're thinking.
Captain Holt: Interesting. I'll give it a whirl. Madeline Wuntch was... A friend.
Rosa: See? It's not that hard to say something ni... Oh, you're vomiting.
Captain Holt: [barfing]

Quote from Captain Holt

Adam Jarver: She made me guard that doctor who came back to New York with Ebola.
Amy: Sir, maybe you want to keep it down. There's people...
Captain Holt: That witch ruined my life! She demoted me from captain to uniformed officer.
Adam Jarver: Eight years ago she had me kicked off the force entirely. You were not her greatest rival, and the proof is right here.
Madeline Wuntch: [on video] Hello, Adam. I may be dying but I burned down your cabin in Maine. You were my one true rival.
Adam Jarver: There you have it.
Captain Holt: I meant nothing to her. That cockroach Madeline was two-timing me!

Quote from Jake

Amy: Well, I called the doctor to see if that was a common side effect and apparently, it isn't.
Jake: Oh, no. Is everything okay?
Amy: Yeah. She did have one guess as to what might be causing it. And, um, she was right. [holds up pregnancy test]
Jake: [exhales] Ames. Are we having a baby?
Amy: We're having a baby.
[elsewhere, Boyle bolts up in bed:]
Charles: It happened!

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