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‘Ding Dong’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Ding Dong

707. Ding Dong

Aired March 12, 2020

Captain Holt deals with a personal loss. Jake must decide whether to take Terry or Charles to an exclusive event.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Wait, Wuntch is dead?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah. The Commissioner's office just notified us.
Captain Holt: No way that's true. As Wuntch says when she sees deodorant, "I'm not buying it."
Rosa: [laughs]

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Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Why would Wuntch fake her own death?
Captain Holt: The same reason she visits Mexico once a year and sucks the blood from all the goats. For kicks.
Sergeant Jeffords: Look, I don't know what to tell you, but she's dead. What do you want? To open up her coffin and check for yourself?
[later:]
Captain Holt: Oh, she's very dead.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: Oh, my God! I just heard about Wuntch! She was so young!
Captain Holt: For a redwood tree. Uh, I don't understand what's going on. Why are you crying?
Amy: A person is dead. I feel sad.
Captain Holt: That's insane. You don't feel sad when a monster dies in a monster movie. In "E.T.," do you feel sad when E.T. dies?
Amy: Yes.
Rosa: He wasn't a monster.
Captain Holt: He caused a real commotion.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: It isn't just Wuntch. I started seeing a fertility doctor and she has me taking hormones to help with ovulation and my emotions are in overdrive.
Captain Holt: Well, I know just the thing to cheer you up. Wuntch is dead! Bagel! Bagel! Bagel!
Rosa: Sir, I am loving this color on you, but don't you think you should tone it down?
Captain Holt: Why, in case I run into her family? I'm not planning any trips to the Bronx Zoo.

Quote from Captain Holt

Rosa: Where are you going?
Captain Holt: To find out if there was another man.
[later:]
Captain Holt: So, um, Adam is it? I only ask because Madeline never mentioned you.
Adam Jarver: Interesting, 'cause she mentioned you to me, as a friend.
Captain Holt: Friend? I think you added an "R" to the word "fiend."
Adam Jarver: No, I'm sure it was friend. I mean, based on context alone, I wouldn't say somebody was one of my closest fiends.
Captain Holt: Oh, you might. We had a very contentious relationship. She never forgave me for embarrassing her in front of Derek Jeter.
Adam Jarver: Well, I embarrassed her in front of A-Rod and J.Lo together.
Captain Holt: For 15 years I replaced her anti-wrinkle cream with sour cream.
Adam Jarver: I replaced her Lactaid pills with Tic Tacs. Dead moron was crapping her pants for months.
Captain Holt: She hacked into my Netflix account and watched the Lizzie McGuire movie on repeat to ruin my algorithm.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Terry said he had some news from the office of Commissioner Wuntch.
Captain Holt: [groans] What does that human blister want now? Does she intend to demote me even further? Or perhaps she'll transfer me to the swamps of New Jersey so I can patrol the sinkhole where she was spawned.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Or it's possible the announcement has nothing to do with you.
Captain Holt: Oh, good thinking, Peralta. You're right. Maybe Madeline wants to inform us all that she's a Cheuksin.
Charles: A what?
Captain Holt: A Cheuksin. A Korean toilet ghost, lives in an outhouse, wraps her hair around your throat and chokes you to death while you move your bowels.
Jake: You know what? I will give you $6,000 if the announcement is she's a Cheuksin.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, she's dead.
Captain Holt: Oh, Terry. Zombies can't die. This is some sort of scam. If she were dead, we would be hearing the sounds of children singing in the streets.

Quote from Captain Holt

Rosa: Oh, you must be feeling better. You're heating up your favorite meal; beans.
Captain Holt: They're refried. It's bad enough they were cooked once, let alone twice, and now the toaster oven makes it three times. I couldn't be crying for help any louder.

Quote from Captain Holt

Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]

Quote from Charles

Jake: Hello, gentlemen. Guess who's walking the red carpet this Saturday?
Charles: Chord Overstreet.
Jake: Who?
Charles: Sam Evans from "Glee."
Jake: No, me. Why would you guess that? I was clearly talking about me.
Charles: Okay, but for the record, I bet Chord Overstreet will also be walking one.
Jake: Stop talking about Chord Overstreet.

Quote from Jake

Jake: My friends, I have a proclamation to bestow upon ye.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why are you talking like that?
Charles: And why'd you have us come in here? Is this about the tickets?
Jake: It is indeed about said tickets, and said proclamation about said tickets is in fact...
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, just tell us. No one is liking this.
Charles: I'm loving it. You sound so smart.
Jake: Oh, thank you, my loyal subject Charles. Now, as you know, this decision has been quite hard upon me... title of mine sex tape... but I have made it at long last, and it is my decree that the recipient shall be... Both of you.
Charles: What? Did you talk to Mikey J. and get more tickets?
Jake: Indeed I did not, but it is my decision that I will cut all of said tickets in twain.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: Look, since you can't say anything nice, try saying the opposite of whatever you're thinking.
Captain Holt: Interesting. I'll give it a whirl. Madeline Wuntch was... A friend.
Rosa: See? It's not that hard to say something ni... Oh, you're vomiting.
Captain Holt: [barfing]

Quote from Captain Holt

Adam Jarver: She made me guard that doctor who came back to New York with Ebola.
Amy: Sir, maybe you want to keep it down. There's people...
Captain Holt: That witch ruined my life! She demoted me from captain to uniformed officer.
Adam Jarver: Eight years ago she had me kicked off the force entirely. You were not her greatest rival, and the proof is right here.
Madeline Wuntch: [on video] Hello, Adam. I may be dying but I burned down your cabin in Maine. You were my one true rival.
Adam Jarver: There you have it.
Captain Holt: I meant nothing to her. That cockroach Madeline was two-timing me!

Quote from Jake

Amy: Well, I called the doctor to see if that was a common side effect and apparently, it isn't.
Jake: Oh, no. Is everything okay?
Amy: Yeah. She did have one guess as to what might be causing it. And, um, she was right. [holds up pregnancy test]
Jake: [exhales] Ames. Are we having a baby?
Amy: We're having a baby.
[elsewhere, Boyle bolts up in bed:]
Charles: It happened!

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: So you were right. Wuntch was not able to claw through her coffin and write the email herself. It turns out, the lawyer for her estate sent it.

Quote from Amy

Amy: I wish I had taken the LSATs. Not to be a lawyer. Just seems like a fun test.
Rosa: Dude, you're bumming us out.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: All right. Uh, the email contains a link to a video. I'm going to play it. Brace yourselves. If it shows Madeline, be sure not to look directly into her eyes.
Rosa: Because we'll turn to stone?
Captain Holt: No. Because her eyes are ugly.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: No, that's what Wuntch wanted. You're letting her win.
Rosa: Sweaty Amy's right. If you really wanna get back at her, you'll team up with Adam and give her a nice funeral.
Amy: It's like The Durrells of Corfu when Prudence and Louisa joined forces...
Captain Holt: To sink the catamaran of the bookseller Yorgos who wronged them both. Yes! I will team up with Adam. Wow. [laughs] For a moment there, I almost forgot who the real villain was. The woman who recently died.


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