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‘Captain Latvia’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Captain Latvia

410. Captain Latvia

Aired December 13, 2016

Charles enlists Jake's help in tracking down his son's favorite toy for Christmas, and the two find themselves accidentally facing off against a Latvian criminal ring as a result. Back at the precinct, the team gears up for their annual Christmas carol competition against their sworn enemy: the MTA...

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: I hate that we lose to those pasty-assed mole people every year.
Captain Holt: Oh, there's no point in mincing your words. They're knaves!
Gina: Captain, you kiss Kevin with that mouth?
Captain Holt: You bet I do. And tonight, I'm gonna sing with it. We're taking down the MTA.

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Quote from Jake

Jake: Trust me, it's gonna be fine.
Charles: Really? 'Cause you said that about "Die Hard 5," Jake.
Jake: Oh. It's not gonna be fine.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I assumed you've climbed out of your rat tunnels to taunt us about tonight's charity caroling competition.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Hey, you Melvin?
Melvin: I am, who are you?
Charles: I'm Charles, from being on hold, and I want my package.
Melvin: Yeah, I already told you, that package isn't here.
Charles: Well, I made a sacred promise to my son, and you're not gonna make a liar out of me, so why don't you take another look? We'll wait. 'Cause we've got all night long. [Charles picks up Melvin's mug and smashes it in his hand]
Jake: Damn.
Charles: Oh, I don't know if you knew this, but I'm a cop. So maybe this time, don't lie to me.
Melvin: Hey, I didn't know you guys were police.
Charles: Well, now you do, genius. [Charles smashes another mug]
Jake: How do you keep doing that?
Charles: I don't know.

Quote from Charles

Jake: So, pretty crazy how you took out that Latvian mob guy back there.
Charles: I know, I felt like a superhero, like the Hulk's mom.
Jake: Why the mom?

Quote from Jake

Jake: What? No, Charles, you're driving.
Charles: Ugh. 1234? Nope. 5555? Damn it.
Jake: Stop. If you keep getting it wrong, we're gonna get locked out forever.
Charles: That's a risk I have to take. Boom, did it, 5683. Fifth most common pass code this year. It spells-
Jake: Fart.
Charles: Love.
Jake: Yep, love.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Charles, stop scooching.
Charles: I am going to scooch. You don't tell me when to scooch.
Jake: I can't get by. Curse my beautiful bubble butt.

Quote from Charles

Charles: See, all Boyle men are blessed with a flat ass, which is perfect for scooching.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Why are you acting this way?
Charles: 'Cause I made a promise to my son. You can't understand 'cause you're not a father. You never will be.
Jake: Hey, yes, I will!
Charles: When, Jake? We're all waiting.
Jake: What are we even arguing about now?
Charles: It's about me saving Christmas, duh. Oh, damn it, my pants are snagged.
Jake: Ha-hah! Now you have to wait for backup.
Charles: No, I don't. I'm gonna shimmy them off.
Jake: Oh, God, the eye contact is the worst part.
Charles: Ah. I told you, Jake. I'll do anything to perk up my little man.
Jake: You gotta know how gross that sounds in your underwear.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Who are these golden-throated dorks?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Thank you for allowing us to return. Turns out there wasn't a bomb.
It was a clock made by an over-achieving minority student. What a world we live in.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey there, Nikolaj, my man. How you doing?
Nikolaj Boyle: Hi, Jake, we made Daddy Latvian Christmas cookies. Want one?
Jake: You bet I do.
Genevieve: The potato really brings out the vinegar.
Jake: Neither of those are cookie things. I'm just gonna put that back.


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