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‘Captain Kim’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Captain Kim

702. Captain Kim

Aired February 6, 2020

A new captain at the Nine-Nine attempts to ingratiate herself with Jake and the squad by inviting them over to her house for a dinner party.

Quote from Jake

Jake: NYPD, freeze! Taking down the bad guys without breaking up our convo. That how we do it in the Nine-Nine.
Amy: You're going the wrong direction.
Jake: Damn it. All these hallways look the same. That was such a cool walk-off.

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Quote from Charles

Jake: I say we use those meetings to figure out why she's really here. She may seem perfect, but I guarantee there's a "but." And I'm gonna find that "but" and drill down on it.
Charles: Come on, man. You have to know how that sounds.
Jake: Shut up, cool Charles. I hate this new dynamic.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: It's like there's something great at this party for everyone, even me. She's serving my favorite dessert: carrots.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Okay, we've got her meeting the mayor, her dog-sitting for Bo Obama, Malala giving her an award, but no photos of Wuntch.
Captain Holt: That's because vampires don't appear on film. Perhaps we should be looking for a 17th-century woodblock print.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Okay, look, Captain Kim lied to us. There's something in this house that proves she's conspiring with Madeline Wuntch, and we're gonna find it.
Amy: I am not letting you snoop around in her stuff and ruin this party.
Jake: Oh, okay. Well, good luck trying to stop us.
Amy: Oh, Jake. You don't know who you're dealing with, do you? I was a student chaperone at every dance from middle school on. I've stopped more horny teenagers from making out to Savage Garden than you can count.
Jake: Cool story, but we're not horny teens. We're horny adults. And tonight we're going all the way. Come on, Holt, let's shake this narc.
Amy: That's right, I am a NARC, a Nationally Accredited and Registered Chaperone.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: [over radio] The service road a quarter mile away is also clear. Hold on. There's a pigeon approaching. Hold the mission. Shoo. Shoo. Shoo. Shoo.
Jake: Great work with that pidge, officer.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Brace yourselves. You're about to look into the face of pure evil.
Captain Julie Kim: Ah, good morning, good morning, good morning. I'm Captain Julie Kim.
Charles: And I'm Chuck. If you want results, stay the hell out of my way. [tosses coffee cup]
Captain Julie Kim: Okay, wow, I guess I know who the office badass is.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Well, she's not lying about her resume. Did you know The Rock's character in "The Fast and the Furious" was based on her? Hobbs. Or Shaw.
Jake: She's not a Hobbs or a Shaw. If anything she's a Trevor. That the guy my mom dated after she divorced my dad.
Sergeant Jeffords: So this is all about your daddy issues?
Jake: Step-daddy issues. This is a new thing. I'm complicated. Anyways, Trevor seemed perfect too, you know? He was nice to my mom, he drove a limousine, he would take us out to restaurants. But then my mom caught him cheating, and we never saw him again. So it turns out when people are too good to be true, they are.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Working with the FBI. That's your dream job, Jake.
Jake: First of all, my dream job is spy falsely accused of betraying his country, forced to work alone to clear his name by taking down the mysterious organization that framed him known only as S.H.A.D.E. Secondly, it wasn't a real job offer. She's up to something.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: All right, I know what's going on here. You two still don't trust Captain Kim, and you're here to snoop on her.
Captain Holt: I don't know what you're talking about.
Amy: Please. Look at your shoes. You only wear sneakers for their literal purpose: sneaking.
Jake: That's crazy. He's wearing perfectly normal-
Captain Holt: No, she's right. The clown shoes gave me away.

Quote from Jake

Captain Julie Kim: [o.s.] Hello?
Captain Holt: She's coming. Hide.
Jake: Title of your sex tape? In here.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Excuse me, but does it seem slightly warm to anyone? I feel it is quite warm.
[cut to:]
Jake: What was that? You were supposed to cause a drunken scene.
Captain Holt: I was. I raised the volume of my voice 9% as inebriated people do, and I spoke of the resultant rise in body temperature.
Jake: Well, you need to do more.
Captain Holt: More than that? Pfft, okay.

Quote from Charles

Sergeant Jeffords: Did you just give away your magic jacket?
Charles: Oh, Terry, it wasn't the jacket. I realize now that Chuck was in here. I've had another man deep inside me this whole time.
Sergeant Jeffords: Welcome back, Charles.
Charles: Oh, right away? It was the jacket.

Quote from Scully

Jake: Oh, well, what a sweet and thoughtful moment, which would not have been possible without my meddling.
Scully: How dare you try to weasel out of this when the love of my life is splattered all over that room.
Jake: The chair?
Scully: Get her name out of your mouth.
Jake: Her name is the chair?
Scully: [aggressively] I warned you!

Quote from Amy

Jake: Wait a minute. That's it. If there's something great for everyone, there's something great for the narc.
[cut to:]
Jake: Babe, hi. How are you enjoying the party?
Amy: Trying to chat me up? It won't work. Chaperone's code forbids fraternization with chaperonees.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Oh, I love this song. Oh, I'll have one of those.
[cut to:]
Jake: That was more?
Captain Holt: I paired a crab cake with a cooked Côtes du Rhône, like an animal.
Jake: Okay, we need a new plan.
Captain Holt: No, no, I have just the thing.
Jake: It's gonna be too small again. You have to really-
Captain Holt: I'm going to throw myself down the stairs.
Jake: What?
Captain Holt: Ahh! Augh! Ohh.


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