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‘Bureau’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Bureau

322. Bureau

Aired April 12, 2016

With Pimento's (guest star Jason Mantzoukas) life still in peril, Captain Holt calls on an old friend in the FBI (guest star Dennis Haysbert) to help with a seemingly impossible heist. Meanwhile Amy makes a breakthrough while undercover, and Terry and Gina discover an information leak in the Nine-Nine.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Whoo-hoo-hoo! We did it! What? I'm only human. You can't always expect me to be the coolest guy ever.
Bob Annderson: Coolest guy ever? Try telling that to Alan Greenspan.
Captain Holt: Nice burn, Bob!

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Quote from Captain Holt

Guard: Another Sex-and-the-Citiot?
Captain Holt: Guilty as charged. My favorite season has to be the third one. Everything was going right for Carrie. Her face was on every bus, her column was the talk of the town, and she met everyone's favorite furniture maker, Aidan Shaw. Sure, she melted down when he tried to introduce her to his parents, and she flipped out when she bumped into Big getting out of that cab with Natasha, whom he had married. Hmm.
Who can blame her? They barely knew each other. The best episode that year was episode six, entitled "Are We Sluts?" You know the one. Carrie was all in her head because she and Aidan weren't having sex. Meanwhile, across town, Charlotte couldn't stop having sex.
And Samantha? Samantha was just being Samantha. The season finale that year was entitled "Cock-a-Doodle-Do."

Quote from Gina

Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God! I was the leak! I got to take that picture down. Gina, I am so sorry I blamed you.
Gina: And I knew you would say something like that, so I went ahead and bought myself a cake on your behalf. Check it out. [Cake reads "Gina, I'm so sorry I blamed you"]
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, dang.
Gina: And this has been here for the last half-hour, detective.

Quote from Captain Holt

Bob Annderson: This whole area is video-monitored by this guard here.
Captain Holt: I can distract him with conversation. What do you know about him?
Bob Annderson: Watches a lot of TV. I heard him mention "Sex and the City."
Captain Holt: Then I will discuss both of those shows with him.
Jake: Ooh. "Sex and the City" is one show. It's not a show called "Sex" and then another show called "The City."
Captain Holt: Okay. Good start. Now I know that.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I called you here to discuss where we are with Operation 225641441636324.
Rosa: What?
Captain Holt: I assigned a numerical value to each letter in the word "pimento," which I then squared.
Jake: Oh, Captain. How dare you try and sneak math into this?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Our priority is still finding Figgis' agent in the FBI. I think it's time for me to call in a favor from an old colleague at the bureau, Bob Anderson. I would've contacted him sooner, but this is a rogue op, and he's a real stickler for the rules.
He once picked up a penny off the street, which he then reported on his taxes.
Jake: Sounds like a barrel of laughs.
Captain Holt: Fortunately, he isn't.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Hello, Bob. Good to see you.
Bob Annderson: And you. Apologies. It's inappropriate for me to partake in such informal conversation in front of your detectives.
Captain Holt: It's all right. I am equally to blame.
Jake: Oh, my God. There's two of them!

Quote from Rosa

Bob Annderson: So, Raymond, what evidence do you have that there's a dirty agent in the FBI? Let's see the file.
Captain Holt: We don't have a file.
Bob Annderson: You're working file-less?
Rosa: We saw the guy commit a felony. He tried to have a cop killed. Crazy hot cop.
Jake: Well, he's a specific type.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Look, the guy we're looking for was wearing a ski mask, but he's about 5'10". Caucasian. He's got a big scar on his right hand. We've been calling him ScarJo, like the actress, Scarlett Johansson.
Captain Holt: What? An actress? I didn't know that was where that was from. Bob, I'm so sorry.
Bob Annderson: No, I'll look past it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Bob Annderson: Okay. There's an agent that matches that description. His name is Ryan Whelan. You think you could ID him if you saw him?
Jake: Oh, yeah. I'd recognize that scar from 20 miles away.
Bob Annderson: You must have fantastic vision.
Captain Holt: Or it's a gigantic scar.
Jake: I was clearly exaggerating. Why do you have to ruin everything?

Quote from Captain Holt

Rosa: We've been watching this guy all day. Can't believe we haven't even arrested him yet. We know he's the guy.
Captain Holt: We have to build a case first. 4:13 p.m. Subject finishes his coffee.
Or tea. Mark the beverage as "unknown."

Quote from Jake

Jake: We will be represented by these things I had in my pocket. All I had was lint. Just a pocketful of lint. Everybody remember what your lint looks like.
Bob Annderson: My lint is round. My lint is approximately 1 centimeter in diameter. My lint is blue.
Captain Holt: My lint is oblong. My lint is approximately 1/2 centimeter in length. My lint is also blue.
Jake: Wow, so no pushback on the lint thing? This is great.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Then we're ready. Let's break into the FBI.
Jake: Oh, come on, Captain. This is such a big moment. Say it with more gusto.
Bob Annderson: Indeed. Like this: let's break into the FBI.
Captain Holt: Oh, I see. Let's break into the FBI.
Bob Annderson: No. Let's break into the FBI.
Captain Holt: Let's break into the FBI.
Bob Annderson: Let's break into the FBI.
Captain Holt: Let's break into the FBI. I feel like I'm doing it.
Bob Annderson: Let's break into the FBI.
Captain Holt: Let's break into the FBI.
Jake: Okay! I think we got it. (with gusto) Now, let's break into the FBI!

Quote from Captain Holt

Rosa: Time for waiting is over. Now is the time for groin-stomping.
Bob Annderson: Damn right, it is! Let's go arrest that punk.
Jake: He says "punk" just like you.
Captain Holt: Where do you think he learned it, punk?

Quote from Captain Holt

Bob Annderson: Why not? I really have embraced my wild side today.
Captain Holt: As have I. Chocolate and nuts. Actually, that's overkill.
Bob Annderson: Indeed.

Quote from Gina

Sergeant Jeffords: Did you see this morning's newspaper?
Gina: No. I get all my news from a text message chain with my friends. [gasps] The attorney general might step down! I'm kidding. It's a GIF of a rabbit eating spaghetti.

Quote from Hitchcock

Sergeant Jeffords: The briefing was a week ago. Just tell us everyone you talked to since then.
Hitchcock: Well, let's see. On Saturday, I got together with my friends, and we went to the dog track.
Sergeant Jeffords: We need names.
Hitchcock: I lied. There's not multiple friends. It's just Scully.

Quote from Gina

Gina: So there's Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha, but New York City is really the fifth character.

Quote from Scully

Hitchcock: How dare you, sir? Do you really think we would leak information on purpose?
Gina: No. We think you're dum-dums and you did it by accident.
Hitchcock: Oh. Well, that's very possible.
Scully: Yeah, I could see that.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Sup, Sarge? Just digging through the garbage like a normal person?


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